Quibbles

i follow rivers

2011-10-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

i grew up on a dead end that had a seductive gape of woods at it's mouth that taunted me as a child simultaneously with fear, adventure and curiosity.

Old Field Road in Southbury, Connecticut, humble in itself if it weren't for the rushing Pomperaug River nestled in a woodsy, leaf laden valley at the bottom of a steep, even more leafy, drop beyond the cul-de-sac.

as it would figure, as a child, i was forbidden to go to the river because my parents had a fear of my drowning in it. an unreasonable fear in my child's mind as my mother never learned to swim and couldn't possibly judge the actual danger properly. i could swim. i could leap from rock to rock, slide down leafy hills on both feet or my bottom if i had to. i was able. capable. sure footed. i wanted that river.

and as it would figure, that raging river became a place where i imagined everything unattainable was possible. i dreamed of high tailing it there whenever i wanted to escape the pain or boredom of my reality. it always played the setting for my dreams, tall stories and yarns...the stories i told my little brother and the neighborhood kids. it was a place of rainbows, cowboys, Indians and later...in my own private stories, love affairs.

it was the place i experienced many things. thrilling adventures with my little brother racing along the path worn by the water's edge when we dared sneak out of the fenced in yard (those were the days when kids were let out of the house in the morning and whistled in for supper at dusk)...and later i remember skinny dipping with my teenage friends, an experience complete with my first awkward gropings that were far from pleasurable experiences. and later, when i was in college after my family had already migrated to Maine, i would bring Dan there, the first boy to awaken me to life outside of the small world i had grown up in and the first to truly break my heart. i swam in it with him and made love to him in it. as if christiening my "worldly" boyfriend from new jersey in it would be enough of a sacrifice to conquer it. nope.

as an adult, i am realizing there has always been something that's taken the Pomperaug's place, a forbidden, unconquerable, dangerous eden. a place i could be happy if only...some tangible happiness i've not allowed myself, or that i've imagined someone keeping is me from.

and as an adult, i'm also realizing that this yonder happiness just isn't cutting it for me any more. i am ready to realize it all in the here and now...that i am allowed to tread wherever i damn well please, dangerous or not. but that i would like it to be an honest experience...in a river that welcomes me openly...not in the shadow at a dead end.

resolutions 2011

2010-12-31T19:12:00.001-08:00

vowing...
serenity
fruitful energy
creativity
FAMILY
love
organization
self respect
acceptance

on society

2010-11-09T19:42:00.000-08:00

trying hard to stop the squirming that comes from watching my oldest child struggle to find where he "fits in"...it's like watching his unique, amazing light flicker in strong wind...and i just want to scream for him to not let that flame go out! i want him to remain true to himself...to not give in to conforming.

*sigh*
i am at a bit of a loss as to how to best support him, except in simply loving his guts and telling him he is perfect the way he is...even if he can't throw a football half way down the field like so-and-so can. i'd so much rather have my Boo than a tom brady. any day. <3

Sia - Breathe Me (KCRW 2007)

2010-10-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

Iron & Wine - Sacred Vision

2010-10-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

my lingerie chest gets a facelift

2010-09-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

kind of wish i had a before shot...gold with bone drawer pulls. i love it. now to get trim on those walls!

:)

2010-08-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

my baby is an imaginary gun slinging, emergency vehicle imitating, mama loving, fat, butter bean...and seriously, i cannot imagine that he will be a man someday. egad.

whoa.

2010-04-05T19:19:00.000-07:00

so...Boo typed his spelling homework on my computer tonight. and left it on the screen for me to print tomorrow after i buy new ink.

i read it. a simple assignment using the words he is supposed to know in a sentence. they were all brilliant, but one struck me. punched me really. for the word "stern"... it is:

"My dad is really stern, but I think he knows that I know that he knows I am as sly as a fox and as quiet as a mouse but I know he is like a bull in a china shop."

and i cannot help but be in awe at the wisdom of this child...

yard scrapers (aka landscapers)

2010-04-05T19:04:00.000-07:00

i went on a walk with my middle son, the apple-cheeked Bones on sunday and as we walked by our own house i commented that we need to get to work on our winter-hit yard. and he said..."it's no fair mommy...how come we have to do it? the neighbor has a yard scraper and we don't!!"

a yard scraper. i love it. bones is a subconsciously poetic genius. tomorrow is his student led, parent/teacher conference. i can't wait to hear the wonderful stuff he has to say.

i am one lucky mama.

way more fun than dying eggs, for sure. PeePSHi!!!

2010-04-03T14:17:00.001-07:00

beautiful delicious forever poppies.

2010-04-02T10:32:00.000-07:00

i happily got my poppy tattoo yesterday...over the old one as planned, but with a twist...chris thought it'd be cool to let the old one peek out just a little and i love the idea of it...it's like the old me sparked the growth of the new me...at the base of the poppies is this little tiny seedling that started it all. there is still an hour of color work left to be done to it...so know that when you look at the photos...but even as is, it is beautiful.

chris was a dream to get tattooed by. i was completely comfortable the whole time and he was gentle, if that can be said about a tattooer. it hurt, but was much different than past experiences.

his style is amazing...unique and he is incredibly intuitive about colors.

it was a great experience.

so, my act of self assertion, of being the boss of my life, my body, my spirit...my visual reminder that i am the hub of a family and to stay true to that self and my kids is set in ink. it was a highly symbolic act for me...and i am so happy about finally doing it. thank you, chris dingwell!!!!

my world...

2010-03-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

this is in the deep chill of the winter...but a view of our desolate backyard without the old barn or the new dream of one. i am trying to will flourishing beauty and a safe place to play into my world...send barn energy this way. <3

weep

2010-03-13T12:11:00.000-08:00

i cradle your giant head
like a milk-fat baby
as your juicy man tears plop
into the plush of my lap

long overdue, you blubber,
sputter and cough out a cry
and despite my resistance to you
it renders you beautiful

i...nk

2010-03-10T19:32:00.000-08:00

i went to see a man about a wallaby today!

well, actually i visited chris dingwell about a tattoo. one that i have been destined to get for about 20 years. it is quite symbolic and had to happen right now...right this very minute!!! it is a commitment to myself and my children to be true to myself. it is a symbol of the love and nourishment i give off in this life. it is covering over the first tattoo that i ever got...bought for me by my high school boyfriend and will cover my ankle, the front of my leg and part of my foot. it feels like i am symbolically busting out of the tight skin of a bubble designed to restrain someone and bursting into my own true form. big, beautiful red poppies that symbolize happiness, nourishment, beauty, growth and an uncontainable, intoxicating life force. i can hardly wait. april 1st. it is the day.

chris is amazing. a sweet friend for many years...and one of the most dynamic and distinctive tattooers around. he and i have talked about this for a few years now...and i am finally putting my foot down and getting down to business. with all that has gone on in my life recently, i need to do something to symbolize my strength...my independence and my outlook on life. i really thought that my mama tattoo would come first... (Matt W! don't forget me!!) but i am still working on that one. certain issues are dictating that this happen now.

peek at the breathtaking work that he does from sanctuary tattoo in portland, maine. you'll be floored.

peace out.

mantra of the day

2010-03-09T14:29:00.000-08:00

"i will not be a participant in my own diminishment."
said the orchid trying to eek out a life in siberia...

staying true to my my raucous lovey self

2010-03-06T05:11:00.000-08:00

the sun shining through my kitchen windows illuminates the dust. it is symbolic. despite my crazed efforts to keep my world neat tidy and organized there is a layer of dust that has settled. i think instead of a vacuuming i need to take this world outside and give it a good shake.

the two big boys and i went to see Alice In Wonderland last night...in 3-d at imax. and it was like an amazing vacation. seriously. i left the theatre feeling like i had gone away. perhaps it was that i was without baby for over two hours...it's been ages since i've been away from him...but really i think it was the absolutely engulfing cinematography. it blew me away and sucked me in. <3

the story is what punched me in the face. i think sometimes i doubt myself...and take the path certain people around me expect me to take.

and i suppose that there is nothing really wrong with listening to others sometimes...however, my life, when i live it my way, is always a glorious burst of raucous flaming joyous love. and i love it that way. there are times that my pop gets dampened and i am not as me as i could be if i had just followed my own heart. in the words of the hatter, i lose my "muchness."

so lesson learned at big disney movie = follow my own heart and f@ck the naysayers and overbearing uninvited people trying to "guide" me. <3

and the biz card...

2010-03-04T17:08:00.000-08:00

i just wanted to post the business card i whipped up for my friends...

poetry. kind of.

2010-02-27T12:08:00.000-08:00

i have poetry in my blood. some unnamed great great uncle of mine was poet laureate of italy way back when...and i have always loved writing it. not that i am any good at it, it is more of a personal and therapeutic act than anything else. i do so love words.

my personal history with poetry is spotted...i wanted to major in it after getting a full scholarship for writing to Southern Connecticut State University, but my dad convinced me to major in something more practical, journalism. i listened to dad, unfortunately, but did finally take a poetry class in my junior or senior year at SCSU. it didn't go well.

i was asked to leave poetry 101 by the well known writer, my professor, Charles Fort. for vulgarity!!! hahaha! rebellious, in your face and overly ineloquent youth that i was...he asked us to write a poem about our most hated household chore and i wrote about cleaning a toilet that had been over exposed to men...yellow crust and short and curlies and whatnot. it was an effective, gag inducing poem. exactly how i feel when subjected to such ick. i also remember writing a poem about being five and helping my dad hang a deer he had shot in a tree...to drain the blood out of it before it was butchered. it was a bloody and graphic poem...but so was the experience. i was proud when an appalled freshman left the class in disgust. charles wasn't so impressed and viewed me as disruptive.

anyway...
i feel a wad of poetry gurgling in my throat...i think it's my way of purging the unspeakable...i plan on posting it here. i guess this is a warning. it's private...but not. and well...i just want anyone that checks this blog out to stand forewarned. i might get graphic...you never know.

<3

pushing the mirk aside

2010-02-25T13:54:00.000-08:00

i'm sitting around after a long day...sipping a big glass of french red and waiting for some valerian root to kick in. i strained my back today and can hardly move! it figures baby D is cutting molars and is extra needy and that little J is home sick with a sore throat...i cannot even lift the baby it hurts so much!

but i did get a lot of work accomplished despite the doctor's appointment, the incessant rain and the back-wack. yay for me.

i did a little graphics job for a new furniture company in maine called American Doll Furniture. they make lovely furniture in a neat little wood shop down in north berwick, maine. i finished a little stamp that goes on the bottom of each of their pieces...and i have business cards, a letterhead and a pamphlet displaying their work in the works, too. yay!

i also worked on some of the overall design plan for Kate's cookbook. i got myself so excited about it...i want to pass it by her before i get set on working it the way i have in my mind...but i think she is going to love it. the main theme is that the cookbook, the recipes, drawings, stories are personal and i have a plan that will make them FEEL personal and special and handpicked by Kate. in my humble opinion it is her that makes this book so special...she's amazing, funny, creative and that is what has to shine through.

ahhhhhhh...my back is starting to loosen up a little.

it is a good to dive into work instead of swimming around in one's own mirk. i happily pushed a lot of shit in my head aside today to get stuff accomplished and i am so proud of myself.

peace...

ohhhhhh...shizzle and a purl stitch.

2010-02-23T12:12:00.001-08:00

i have been in a real funk lately...feeling some hard times...hard lessons to learn. i suppose it's par for the course...we all have to grow and growth doesn't come without pain.

the good part about this experience is that i have looked inward a lot throughout the whole undermining mess, trying to figure out where the bad feelings, the insecurities, are coming from. and i have realized that i truly love myself...and my life. that i need to stop looking for love and acceptance and kindness from others...no matter who they are. i have come to really understand that to be happy, i need to find and hold dear the goodness i have within...the sweetness that comes from caring for myself and my family, appreciating the beauty in my life, from giving my all to meaningful work. i don't need to look outside of me. it's all right here. and it's protective like an armor. it doesn't matter what hurtful things people do or say with a strong heart. <3

luckily, when i look inward there is a bright light shining. i am happy. i am warm. i have enough love and light within myself to get me through any hard time. plus, i have the best friends anyone could ever wish for. no matter what fate has in store for me, i have the strength to handle it.

i do admit though...a new $210 avocado green, scoop neck, chunkily knit, knee length sweater dress that i found on the clearance rack for a mere 5 bucks at tj maxx didn't hurt either. it's beautiful. the knit is almost backward looking...like it was purled instead. i love it. it's clever and so well made. with leg warmers and knee high socks on, well...i am ruling my little kingdom quite happily. i just may borrow one of the kids' crowns from the dress-up box tonight.

note to self: ~must not forget that i am queen bee.

free art work!

2010-02-22T12:19:00.001-08:00

i'm having a little give away on my facebook art page... come and become a fan, enter the drawing and perhaps win a 5x7 digitally toned blind contour drawing "pods"...

foody!

2010-02-19T13:06:00.000-08:00

i have been working on Kate Cheney Chappell's cookbook all week and have been swimming in great new recipes to try. i figured that it is the best way to help write acookbook...dive into the recipes and the food.

so i went grocery shopping at my new favorite spot, market basket in portsmouth, NH this week. it's no whole food market, but i recently discovered that most of whol foods own brand of veg comes from China. so what's the difference? market basket has good quality food, a lot of organic and all natural products and i have been saving about $75 a week shopping there.

so this evening, my kitchen is fully stocked and i'm ready to cook! trouble is i'm almost on over load! everything sounds so good i can't decide what to cook first!

to circ or not to circ...

2010-02-18T18:01:00.000-08:00

i read a big long debate tonight on circumcision. i realized that a lot of moms-to-be out there do not have good information about circs and that they are COMPLETELY not necessary. i guess i never realized a mother with no strong attachment to the idea of circumcision would want their child to undergo such an unnecessary ordeal.

i do not know a single parent who did not circumcise their son to regret it...however i know many parents who have that do.

for the record... circumcision as a cleanliness issue is a total myth. there is seriously nothing necessary about it. it hurts baby, takes a long time to heal and is basically some weird form of accepted mutilation. anyone having a boy baby and wanting info feel free to contact me and i'll share.

you can go to youtube and watch a live circumcision. that should help you understand what you are doing before hand for sure...don't think it'll be as easy as it is to watch the video as it will be to witness your own baby go through it either. ouch.

i just have to say...

2010-02-11T02:14:00.000-08:00

i was always a night owl...even as a kid...i hated to miss a beat of the day and go to sleep! and then, in the morning, i'd hate to pull myself from my amazing, vivid dreams to wake up.

put, these days, i find an asston of pleasure in the wee hours of the morning before anyone has woken up. who knew?? i can do yoga without a baby crawling through my legs...no one is talking at me...there are no needs floating about except my own.

and coffee tastes that much better in the quiet of pre-dawn, before 6 AM.

this morning, it's 5:15, i've already showered, dressed, done the dishes that i abandoned last night to care for sick baby D and i am about to do some yoga and then begin a bit of cookbook work before waking the brood, making their lunches etc...

<3 this type of morning <3

______________________________________

two hours later: and right after i published this entry Baby D woke up and has had me covered in hummus, chewed pretzel, boogers, orange pulp and tears... :( he is feverish and restless and miserable. so i take it back...i love the above kind of morning when everyone is healthy. but, this kind of morning, actually, i do not love.

down with chaos...

2010-02-10T12:48:00.001-08:00

with all of the work i have coming in, i am finding myself needing to organize the tiny corner of our house i share with our rat terrier. big time.

this little 6x3 space, packed with bookshelves and drawers of art supplies and my beloved mac and scanner and my epson printer, is the hub of all of my different roles. it is my command center. and i am definitely not known for being organized. i tend to live in and thrive in chaos if left to my own devices.

but over the past four or five months there has seriously been a drastic shift in me. i have begun to appreciate sparsity and having a place for everything. back in september j hired someone to help me clean the house. it was such a blow to my ego at first! then i learned to make having her come every other week work for me...and now, (with our new tightened budget we can't afford her) i can and do keep the house clean all by myself. it is surprising even to me, but i have had family that knows my chaotic nature stop by unexpectedly and exclaim at their surprise at how tidy our world is these days. i kind of love it. i think i've become obsessed. <3

so...i have begun to organize this little nook. it has been clean, just not entirely organized. i created an area designated to files which hold all of our financial stuff and records...an area designated to kids' school stuff...an area designated to the cookbook design job...an area designated to jewelry and art supplies...a space for photographic equipment...sigh...the list goes on and on. i'm not finished, but i feel like i can successfully begin the book now and not feel like i am drowning in disorder.

i really think that being organized, and purposeful is helping me and my family get to a better place...to achieve our individual and collective goals.

<3 cheers to cleanliness & orderliness.

while i'm on a roll...

2010-02-09T09:51:00.000-08:00

things have started to move and shift in my life towards the changes i've been wanting to make. it's pretty wild. i suppose i shouldn't be surprised by it, but alas, i am. happily, joyfully surprised.

i have been having so much fun with my little weekly art auctions on facebook. people have responded really well to them and i think they have drawn people into looking at my work. i have had several inquiries into pieces of work through facebook as a result of them. also, i have a new etsy customer that is looking to purchase a significantly large body of work from me, my work was featured in a new treasury on etsy and i have been approached to do a large commissioned piece of work.

also, the cookbook design project that i have been patiently waiting to begin is about to take off! i may even get the information i need today. that is the hugest blessing. being able to do design work, from home, being paid by the hour. *sigh* it truly is a gift.

i am looking to put a babysitting exchange together, where moms trade hours of watching each other's kids so that i can get some time in to do a cleaning job or two or what-have-you. but...

it's really exciting to think about how amazing it would be if i could make enough money doing creative work that filled me with joy!!! to think if i didn't have to leave my baby to go clean or wait tables or host in a restaurant?? not that i wouldn't love that work...i just don't love it as much as i do making art and jewelry and designing.

it's funny...well, not really "funny"...i guess it's more "telling" why i am so determined to support my own art and school debts and to have my own money to spend on art supplies. when i told J last night about how well the past couple of weeks have been for me with selling my work, he laughed at me, in front of our children and told me i may as well pay my debt by going to Bingo. bingo. he equated selling my work to playing bingo.

i should have known better than to put myself out there like that, i guess. i certainly do now. all i have to say about that is, "just you wait, buddy. just you wait."

things are coming together. <3

From the Spray Art Auction...

2010-02-08T14:26:00.000-08:00

Having another weekly art auction on my Facebook Art page...Click Here to View it!!!!

h a p p y.

2010-02-06T04:26:00.000-08:00

i woke up sweet and early this saturday morning...all of my kids piled into my bed and popped in the Curious George DVD we had rented. so i snuck out of bed to write about joy. i am utterly filled with it.

the changes of the past month have been pretty big. kids went from homeschooling to school at the local public schools. i went to having not three children all day, but one. baby went from fighting for attention to getting plenty of it. our family developed a budget system. i decided that i want more financial independence and developed a plan to be put into the works to make that happen.our home is well-managed due to some odd shift in my nature over the past 4 months. i have become kind of anal about it staying tidy and lo and behold it is working! J comes home from work now feeling stress free and looks at me with some serious sexy regard when i yell at him to pick up his socks and dirty shirt, or snap when he puts his keys and cell phone down on the mantle. the freak likes it. things around here are feeling managed. organized. and good. and i dare say that each of us five are getting exactly what we each need.

and it's wild. i think it may be the first time ever that we are all happy and fulfilled at the same time.

hooray for joy, the strength to change and the bravery to make difficult decisions.

curriculums for sale...

2010-02-05T12:15:00.001-08:00

thought i'd put it out there that we are selling the two Calvert curriculums we purchased this year...we have both the 4th and 2nd grade 2009/10 curriculums complete without the math course. they are in excellent shape. no writing in the text books, and about 10% of the workbooks with pencil or erasable ink markings that can be erased.

the 4th grade is 295 and the 2nd grade is 285...postage is included in the prices and i do accept paypal.

peace.

UPDATE: sold the fourth grade curriculum, as of 2/5 we still have the second grade. weeee!!!

a touch of independence...

2010-02-04T12:37:00.000-08:00

i opened my own checking account. and i've earned a little bit of money to stick in it. and though this is a small fete (i don't even have as much money as my children do in my account yet) i feel quite liberated. i can't explain the disempowerment i feel as the stay-at-home parent, though i love taking care of my brood more than anything...

my man and i have successfully put a budget into the works...successful in that we didn't kill each other in the process. and so far our household has held to the budget. things are tight...and we have a lot of saving hopes and very responsible goals incorporated into it. art, however has been left out of the budget. and the debt that i have accrued in the hopes of staying a "working artist" so that i can go to a good grad school for art therapy eventually (accumulating supplies and gear and equipment with which to create art and get my BA) has been pretty much scowled upon.

so i am determined...DETERMINED...to earn my own money that will pay for art supplies both past and present. i need to creatively find ways to work and earn money while still maintaining my home (we can no longer afford the help i had with the house that i had while the children were homeschooling...though i must say it helped me organize the world here enough so keeping it tidy is far more manageable) and still taking care of my family the way i like to.

the first thing i am going to do, to start, is have a weekly art auction like i have been for the past couple of weeks. this is helping me to alleviate my stockpile of work, use up my supplies and get my creative urges out. it brings in a little money, too...not what i'd get in a gallery, but also i really do love the thrill of the auction thing. so it's all good.

secondly, i have begun more work on the cookbook that i am working from home designing and trying to get publishing (or self publishing it if all else fails) for Kate Cheney Chappell. i've been in touch with an amazing publishing company and am hoping that i can inspire her to get me more stuff to work on and get a handful of hours in designing the book from home every week. that job is so exciting to me, too...i can hardly wait for it to take off more! she's in such demand though!

also, i have begun to think about green cleaning again. i know it may sound weird and even yucky to some people, but i actually like making a person's home feel clean, smell wonderful and taking stress off of people. i used to do it and had planned to start a healthy business for moms. i wanted to be able to provide green work for people during "mother's hours" and my business plan even incorporated getting them health insurance. but when i became pregnant with baby D...it just got to be too much. i really developed a fondness for several of the people i worked for though...and i was thinking that if i went back to cleaning for them that i would do it at a reduced rate if i could bring my baby. there is no way that i will put him into daycare and my family is just not really available for such a regular babysitting schedule. so i would knock 10 bucks an hour off the cost of cleaning if he could come. there are also a few people that i have yet to clean for that i can imagine this scenerio working with. it could be a way for someone who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford a good green cleaning to get one!!! it may or may not work...

and lastly, if i can't make enough to significantly reduce my debt with the above work...i am thinking of going back to Street & Co for one night of work a week. great money. great people. amazing food...i love it there and i often miss it. the reason it is last on the list howwever is because i would be impeding on J's life. he'd need to take care of the children and support my working because it is at night and i am honestly not sure he is capable of that.

so...i have a plan. i have a checking account. i have a little nest egg growing...i am hoping to pay all of my own credit and student loan debts every month...this month already i may be able to do that if i can get on the ball! and then once it is all paid off (i could do it in about 10 months if i bust a move on) i want to save up for several things not in our "budget"...yoga teacher training...a metalsmithing jewelry class at heartwood college of art...a really nice camera, like a canon Rebel...and the tattoo i have been dreaming of getting that represents my family and motherhood...

i am filled with a surprising amount of patience. and i know i can do it all by myself.

peace out.

money.

2010-01-25T11:05:00.000-08:00

sucks. i hate money.

but of course, i need money. just like everyone else.

i have begun to suspect that it was kind of ridiculous of me to have invested so much money into an education in art, expecting to get a financial return on it. student loans...investments in expensive computers, printers, a printing press of my own, inks, jewelry supplies, framing...good quality paper and clay and everything in between. it adds up so quickly. and here i am with a family...and debt. and i sense i am also left with a husband that doesn't see the value in that debt...there is part of him that clearly sees me as living in a dreamworld, and thus i am taking it upon myself to pay it off with money i earn using my artistry and all the other skills i've acquired along this journey of life.

the first step in this is to have weekly art auction from my facebook art page...you can click here to check it out. this way i will reduce my overzealously created inventory, reduce my debt a little bit and hopefully give me an excuse to use some of those supplies i've collected to make more things for the auctions!

i am also expecting to be putting together the cookbook i've done a little work on already for kate cheney chappell, and that will be income that i can hopefully dedicate solely to my amassed art education debt...

and now since the boys have returned to school and i am left with just the baby, i have been considering going back to doing a green cleaning job once a week, too...i actually love doing it. for the right person, who is someone that appreciates the holistic, stress-relieving quality in the work. i use essential oils and leave a persons home a sparkling haven that i know brings a sense of well-being to my customers. i had a green cleaning business that i gave up when i was pregnant with the baby...it was hard to stomach the cleaning, and to physically do it after a while, too. but now, well, now i'd take on one project a week in a second...especially if baby could come. my motor is ticking...

and lastly, i have been thinking of going back to work at night for one night a week. Street & Co...i do so miss it. the adult company, the great food, the inspiration of being around such talented cooks and frankly, just great people. plus it's easy and good money for a night of being a grown-up.

i think, if i did all of these things, or most of them, i should be able to have my debt significantly reduced within a year. and without the debt...won't i be able to create art feeling a little less guilt about the money i dump into it, especially if it's money over and above what it is our family needs??

sigh.

some of the best advice i ever got was to not give up my art to be a mother and a wife. anyone can go through the motions it takes to care for a family, to keep a house...but no one is going to influence my children and husband the way i can with my creative spirit allowed to shine...it is a gift only i can give them even if it means i need to work more to pay for it. i have to find a way to keep it in my world.

exhale

2010-01-15T08:59:00.000-08:00

there we go...a full week back to public school completed, with lighthearted smiles, giggles and pure happiness through the entire transition. i am so proud of my boys. so proud of myself for recognizing what needed to happen in our family! it has been a really joyful thing for each child and me!

baby has had so much of me, that even daddy notices he is more adjusted. he's a happy little peach to begin with, but he's really settled feeling now. this decision has affected his life the most i think...alone time with mommy is a cherished and very coveted thing. this makes me smile that i can provide him with such nurturing.

so now, as i have more time on my hands i have had my home tidier, and am tackling things i have needed to do, but haven't had the energy or time to accomplish with all the kids at home. big things like working on my personal list of positive changes in my life, artwork that has been dying to escape my imagination and creating a budget for our home and setting up our household finances on Quicken.

the biggest of these tasks for me personally is that i am redefining my role in my household. i am to be the happy hub of this home. "happy" being the operative word. everyone comes home expecting nourishment. i need to be able to give that to all of these fellas and i can't do that if i am not nourished as well. i have been having some revelations recently about what would make me really happy in my life...and these are the changes i am manifesting in my life. sometimes change can be a little painful, and i can't deny it...the transitions i am personally going are painful. but because i am committed to myself and my family i am making the best of it.

i can honestly say that a lot of the transitions being spurred into motion by me are a result of me realizing that though i love myself more than i ever have in this lifetime, i have unfulfilled needs and aspirations. this leaves me with a bit of a hole...and leaves me feeling vulnerable. i have had so much anxiety and worry and even jealousy floating in my body in the past few months...such toxic feelings. thus...i am purging them with positive and pursuing something that has yet to be defined specifically, but is being birthed as i make all the good, healthy positive change i can.

<3

mama loves her babytime...

2010-01-12T13:41:00.000-08:00

some cherished time with my sweet baby...

2010-01-12T13:13:00.000-08:00

so i did it...i went ahead and made the decision of sending my oldest sons, Bones and Boo, back to school. and i am happy to say they are already well adjusted to it...in a matter of less than a week! they are thrilled to be back, actually, with friends and learning.

and i cannot deny i am reveling in the peace and quiet and in the time to enjoy my baby! Ginging is so happy to have me all to himself. and i eat him up...today he crawled around on the floor blowing and chasing a feather...ecstatic in his ability to move the flffy thing with his breath! it was beautiful and i was so happy, felt so lucky to be witness to it. we bathed together and fresh out of the tub he nursed to sleep, his tummy against mine...

he is my last child...and i have to remember to slow down and savor the moments that he needs me...before i know it these little boys will be men, with hairy armpits and huge feet and be able to throw me over their shoulders...they won't need me. and i'll miss them through to my bones.

reminder to self: slow down and enjoy this life...

inner struggles

2009-12-30T08:32:00.000-08:00

*big sigh*

as the new year approaches and i look back on this past year all i can do is sigh. i have loved every moment. but, nevertheless i am contemplating really significant changes for the times to come.

in september i began homeschooling my two older sons...and i have had the baby around us as well. a lot of people have asked me how i do it with all three of them and it isn't an easily answered question...i just do it. it takes some creativity and some self direction from the kids, but it works. and each one gets attention and love and has their needs met. not that it is always peaches and cream...

but, when i took on the endeavor of home schooling these sons of mine, things were a bit different. J was going to teach them to cook on saturday mornings so that i could have one morning a week to myself...he was going to be in charge of science...and yet it is now january and that has never even once happened. work is extremely busy for him, which is a blessing in itself...and it is where his priority lies. he is striving for success in his field. he works 90+ hours a week. i try to be supportive of his desire, but consequently i have not had a moment without children at my hem. literally. not. one. moment.

i am feeling burnt out. and i am feeling lost, my Self and my needs are getting lost in the mix. i hardly ever even have a chance to shower.

and on top of that i am disheartened by the curriculum we purchased to use for our schooling. it is rigid, archaic and its chosen literature is the first i have ever heard my children call "boring." wth all the great literature out there for children it is so sad to see the lame stuff they've picked. in essence, the curriculum sucks...and we follow the motions of it with less than half a heart. i feel like i am doing my children an educational disservice using this boring non-progressive curriculum. i want more for them...which is why i chose to homeschool them in the first place. i have added my own pieces to our education, like herbology and japanese, but it isn't like i know all about child development and what they should be optimally learning when. i don't feel confident enough to create my own curriculum, nor do i think my husband would support that...homeschooling has turned into a lonely experience and i can see it will just get more so as the winter progresses...

and for other personal reasons, too...i feel saddled by certain aspects of this endeavor...saddled in a way that makes me feel like i have no control or freedom and i do not like it. i have three children on me all the time and i sometimes need to be able to just pick up and do something (and i'm not talking about fun things, but necessary thing)...a luxury i don't have right now.

*big sigh*

so i am strongly contemplating sending my boys back to public school...and trying to look at it in a positive light not as a failure...i am not a monk. i am not wholly selfless...and that is part of my sparkle. i, as a person, add to my family's light and beauty by being me..and i must take care of myself to be the best me for them...for us all.

big thoughts...big thoughts...

i want some of your brown sugar...

2009-12-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

it's dreary...cold and sleeting... here in maine today. and i just discovered that brown sugar has made this day totally bearable! in the form of a home facial!

1/2 cup brown sugar
enough extra virgin olive oil to saturate the sugar
a few drop of lemon juice
a drop or two of lavender essential oil

mix all together and put on clean face...rub slowly and gently in circular motion all over face and neck...then rinse off well with warm water for an amazingly invigorating feeling and a fabulous healthy glowing complexion. it is great on hands, too! probably would do wonder for your feeties, but i won't be taking these chunky socks off anytime soon to find out. brrrrrr...

growing up...

2009-12-06T04:24:00.000-08:00

my oldest son, Boo, who is 9, woke up this morning before anyone else...well, daddy was off to work before the sun rose and i was up doing yoga. he cuddled up in a furry throw on the couch and watched me on the floor in front of him...the house was dark, just full of a minute bit of fresh sunlight reflecting off the first snow of 2009...

all of a sudden i saw him as a man. it was the oddest sensation. he will grow tall and have muscles and facial hair...he will start to smell soon. right now he still has the tangy but delicious scent of a dirty little boy...but he already has started to flex his need for private space and time alone....soon he'll be gone and this time period of caring for him, raising him will be over as if it were a quick flash.

it is hard to imagine my life without his insights everyday. he is such a transcendentalist... he keeps me from having my feet too stuck in what i think is reality...he'll always pull another layer out to keep things from being stagnant. such a beautiful mind...such an amazing kid.

and this is part of why i homeschooled him this year, because it is all over so quick...and i wanted to raise my own children, to be with them, to truly know them and also to allow them to be themselves. we recently had a big group of friends over for thanksgiving and one of them commented on how amazing our environment is, that our kids are in a place where they are safe to be their true selves. i want to preserve that. to let them grow as individuals.

it is easy to blend in and be one of the masses if you're stuffed into a box enough times, but it is hard to stand on one's own after needing to feel the security of likeness for so long. i have been witnessing this in people lately...and i am hoping to help my kids escape it. i want them to have full and fantastic lives of their own and feel as though they would burst with love for themselves whenever they think of who they are...just like i do for them whenever i look at them.

how do you make time slow down? i want to be in this cocoon of my little family forever. *sigh*

nurser...

2009-12-05T15:37:00.000-08:00

i loved this photo...had to share.

a ghost of thanksgiving past

2009-11-16T04:38:00.000-08:00

so...as i plan out my first thanksgiving dinner, i can't help but think backward to thanksgivings past for inspiration.

this kind of thought can take me in a number of ways depending on my mood. it could be nostalgic, culinary, sad, happy, or hilarious.

i am choosing today's ghost to be the nostalgic kind...remembering thanksgiving at my parents home in connecticut as a small child...

i must have been four or five and i can still remember parts of that thanksgiving so clearly. there was a light dusting of snow and my grandparents had traveled north to our home in southbury from danbury to feast with us. i remember walking on our little dead end road with my portuguese grandfather "Dado," holding his hand past the neighbors' yard wondering if my buddy Dave from up the hill would come crashing down it to sled...funny, it was probably my last thanksgiving with Dado, but i can't be sure. the memory has lived quietly for so long i haven't cross-referenced it yet.

our dining room was an often still and dusty, slate floored room that was normally gated at either entrance to keep out our bouncy brittany spaniel, and probably us, the children, as well. it was attached to another room we called the "front room" which was like a parlor...with our nicest furniture and our piano in it. my dollhouse lived in that room, too...and i was allowed to quiety play in it, my little pretend world...a whole other story altogether. i tended to gravitate toward that parlor side of the room which had wood plank flooring, i think. it was warmer, more welcoming on that side. that stone floor was chilly on bare feet...

our long wood dining table would have been set to perfection complete with a table cloth to hide where i had pressed too hard writing my name, permanently tattooing the wood. we would set matching china plates, the good silverware and Mom would whip out decorum to fit the season...the pewter trinkets on the buffet next to the table would have been dusted by one of us children during the day, probably me, in preparation for company. Mom would have stretched up herself to dust the big rustic chandelier over the table.

Mom would have cooked all day...stuffed mushrooms, huge and stuffed full of sausage to start the day's feasting, or so i choose to imagine. the big turkey which she would ask Dad to help her baste. the myriad of side dishs that she would prepare to go with the turkey. two types of stuffing...one with chestnuts, homemade, the other the kind that came from a bag or box. Dad always fought us for the chestnut and we didn't put up much of a fight...back then. there would have been a football game on TV and in the kitchen the stero would be playing Italian Christmas music already...or John Denver.

i think there was probably a big buck hanging out of the tree down near our clubhouse, too...Thanksgiving marked the end of hunting season...and my dad usually was a lucky shot. several years i helped him hang a deer from that tree so the blood would drain, hoisting it with him a rope fixed firmly through the bones of its lifeless ankle. it's that cluster of grisly memories that drove me to be a vegetarian for most of my adolescence. i'm not sure if there was a deer that year though...but to me it seems there should have been, seeing as Dado was a butcher and that this is one of my last memories of him...he died sometime close to this period. of lung cancer, though he didn't even smoke. age 65. and it just seems fitting to have a giant slab of dead meat hanging waiting to be readied to feed out little family for the winter. so i am leaving it in my memory, true or not.

i don't have many memories of him, Dado. but i am thankful for the ones i do have. and i am hoping that my children's grandparents find ways of making lasting memories in the lives of my boys...even if they are mostly due to an early snow...or partially fictionalized due to a melange of childhood memories all wanting to be seen and heard at once. :)

gotta' tell ya'...

2009-11-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

raking leaves in 65 degree weather in november with three amazing boys is bliss...

how to seduce your husband...

2009-11-06T06:48:00.001-08:00

our tiny little world in a bubble...

2009-11-06T06:41:00.001-08:00

i love me a sweet little terrarium. we went walking in the woods yesterday, one of out wonderbrook park tours with our little rat terrier Rontu bouncing along side us all the while. moss was growing everywhere, mushrooms, leaves...everything is starting to decay beautifully.

we couldn't help being inspired to save some of that beauty for the winter! so we built some terrariums! these are photos of the largest ones, the tiny ones were too hard to capture with my crappy camera.

it's really cool, different types of plush moss, tiny mushrooms you cant even see in the photo, and even a little wee fern!

love will rule...some day. and i know my children will see that day.

2009-11-04T06:26:00.000-08:00

my children have been so passionately fighting for equal rights this fall right along side of me.

they firmly believe, as do i, that all people deserve equal and fair dignified treatment. that if two people want to have a family together and be married that they have that right innately and that they shouldn't even need to ask anyone's permission.

but they did have to. and we went and voted and petitioned for equal rights for all. no to any form of discrimination we say.

we went to sleep with images of a more just and love-filled world in our heads only to wake up to find that the majority of people in our state voted away the rights of gays and lesbians to be married. the hate-filled, bigoted, ignorant, brain-washed and stupid sector of our voting population prevailed. and the world feels heavy and darker than before.

my heart sunk. a steady flow of tears came down my cheeks as i tried to birth a way of explaining how this happened to my children. i let them sleep late i thought for so long.

when i told them the news, that gays and lesbians are still being discriminated against and that we have yet to win the battle, they both cried. how could they not? and then a little while later, after it had sunk in, we sat down and talked about it.

Bones' reaction was, "why can't those people just live the way they want to live and let other people live how they want to live? it doesn't hurt them!!"

Boo's reaction was, "i still love maine...i love my state, but i am finding it hard to feel love for people that could be so unloving."

and they both have a point. then we talked about the origination of the fear and bigotry that most likely was the cause of this lack of enlightenment. and we decided that we were simply going to wish those people, that type of thought away. we aren't going to give it weight or a place in our lives. we all felt anger and sadness, but we still feel passionate about this cause and we will still fight for it. we will let our anger and sadness be fuel and we will continue the work of having our society be fair and just for ALL people.

crazy. it's just crazy.

dia de los muertos part ii

2009-10-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

and our skulls are done! we had a blast doing this project. now what to create with them???

dia de los muertos...

2009-10-28T04:09:00.001-07:00

the beginning of our little project to honor the dead...

the new herb times!

2009-10-21T09:41:00.001-07:00

it's a hard-knock life

2009-10-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

yes...i did recently watch Annie. the boys, despite their initial protests, loved it, too. i knew they would.

but my post really isn't about orphans, or hard financial times...it's about dealing with difficult people. like mrs.hannigan in annie. the orphans needed her and had to take her abuse for the most part...but wouldn't it have been nice if they could have set boundaries for themselves in order to keep her at bay??

i am so lucky to be surrounded by amazing boys and a loving man that support me as i deal with relationships that i find toxic. i am lucky. j and i have worked hard to find a place of trusting and understanding one another in hard circumstances...and we have succeeded.

some of my experience with toxic relationships have been with people that can be simply released into the abyss of the universe such as the family i discussed in the previous post about karate...they were toxic, mentally ill and potentially very harmful to my family. it was the right thing to do to set large boundaries to keep them from hurting my kids. i could not help them myself.

but then there are some relationships that are more challenging, relationships with people ingrained in one's life that cannot be simply cut off like fat from a roasting chicken. these relationships are necessary, yet can be toxic all the same. abusive even.

in such a case, i am finding, there needs to be clear boundaries. a verbally abusive family member cannot be enabled to be insensitive and hurtful. what excuse is there to allow oneself to get to the point of lashing out with hatred, volatility, curses and even violence? to get to the point of complete disrespect for people in their life...people who are a big part of their life. a person pushed to that type of extreme needs to seek help for themself. period. and cannot be allowed their cruelty. clear limits have to be stated and adhered to in order for the relationship to work at all.

not to say that that person or people need be denied forgiveness or love, or the chance to better themselves, though what they say may be hurtful, spiteful, cruel. i do believe that this type of person needs to be held accountable for their own hurtful reactions, outbursts and irreverence. however, from experience i can say that the abuser often times does not recognize their own abuse, no matter how hard the abused tries to show them. the abuser may try to run from ownership of it and even throw the blame for it onto the abused.

it is this point in the cycle of abuse when i realize i cannot help the abuser...but simply need to uphold my limits and protect and love my family, whether or not they all ask for it (some family members may take the abuse so as not to cause a stir, thus unwittingly enabling the abuse, but do not want it in their lives....unable to defend themselves for some fear is holding them back).

and thus it is...that i will not stand to see abusive behavior thrown at my family...nor will i stand for disrespect to them either, especially from someone whom we give unconditional support and energy to. i am setting clear boundaries and stating what i will and will not tolerate clearly. and this may feel uncomfortable for me to do...and for the others involved, it may also come as a relief to some who find it hard to defend themselves...it may feel hurtful to the abuser, but it is necessary for all involved. and perhaps that abuser will eventually see that their behavior has been cruel, and malicious, and simply abusive...and then again, perhaps not.

karate...and fighting.

2009-10-14T19:09:00.000-07:00

i feel like i am really making myself vulnerable by writing about this subject...and yet i am continuing to write about it. it may help someone else deal a problem in the future...so i must divulge...

a few years ago my family was part of a parent-run holistic school in our area. to sum it up briefly and unemotionally, the school was a haven for kids with some serious disabilites...some of those disabilities being that they were abused and thus abusive...and there was little supervision at the school and much protection from the governing body of such harmful kids...basically after a short while we realized the school posed a greater risk than it was worht and we left...the first of over a half dozen parent to abandon the idyllic vision the school tried to bring from the 60's.

there was one child in particular that in my opinion posed the biggest threat. he was 9/10 at the time and only liked to play with the 4 and 5 year olds. he was violent in his play and speach and actions...and he lied, stole and had accidents (still pooped inhis pants at school) he taught the 4, 5 and 6 year olds a game where you can kill the bad guys by sucking their...well...you can imagine. no one actually had physical abuse come to them...although the ideas placed before them could have been argued as abuse.

my son was the first to divulge the weirdness going on. we left the school immediately upon knowing that this was going on...only to have the mother of the said child remove the child from school...and to my knowledge he has never returned. i have not kept up on the family's gossip. nor have i listened to the hate talk they have tried to spread about my family in their circle of crazies.

seriously...i can't express to you the kind of mom the mom was adequately. she talked about fairies, and wondered why on earth didn't i smoke or do drugs after i refused her offer of a cigarette or a joint for the 50th time.

she was in outer space, exposing her kid to who knows what...and i don't dare lay blame on who was abusing the boy, but i do sincerely feel he was being abused. his behavior was learned. it was all about control. it was more than not okay. and a year before we had come to this school he had forced two kids several years younger than himself to do "things" to each other...no one told us until after we had come forward about our pkans to leave...although long after we voiced our suspicions... no one ever pressed charges. no one ever filed a report to save their own kids' butts from a "record"...

anyway. my kids started in a karate class tonight. said abusive kid is in this class. he is 4 or 5 years older than my oldest...and i worry. we have as much right to take the class as he does...not that we are trying to impose, but it is the best, closest, most affordable class and my kids have the right to take it.

seeing him. his crazy mother. made me remember the insanity of that school. of the people trying to protect this child. trying to sacrifice my child for his good. i felt defensive. offensive even. i don't know if i can handle having to sit in the same room as her once a week when really i want to wrestle her and make her see her lifestyle is really abusive to her kid...

sigh.

curriculums...

2009-10-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

so after much debate and research and quibbling in my own mind about the financial stresses of buying curriculums, i have done it! ordered them...and they are on their way.

i think getting some work of my own made me feel more comfortable with the cost factor. last winter was hard on us financially and the idea of overburdening us with expensive materials that we might not need felt idiotic.

but, i found the best products for what we wanted as a family and luckily for us they both offer payment plans. Calvert Homeschool for 4th and 2nd grade both without math (because we already have a wonderful math system from our school district.) and also Rosetta Stone Japanese for homeschoolers.

So, we will add to our math, herbology and all the art and writing and reading we are doing with some serious structure. i feel this is most important in learning a language. i had pieced together several books and dvd-r for learning japanese, but it is very disjointed. having a full, well organized system for learning to speak and read and write a language is by far a better idea. the other materials we have will still come in hand for enrichment, too.

and the academic curriculum is welcome. it is J's idea. a piece he needs to feel comfortable in the boys' schooling. a piece he feels people benefit from, routine. i can't really argue that point either. i had looked for a more progressive curriculum, however, along with progressive comes more work in organizing the materials and finding them, etc... with the new work project i have going on i am going to need all that time for making money... thus the ultimate decision to go with Calvert. we'll see how it turns out.

it's so exciting. the materials should be arriving any day. i can hardly wait to chat with my father-in-law in japanese!

a micro organic elderberry business venture!

2009-10-13T12:37:00.001-07:00

so...the boys and i have made an organic elderberry tincture...well, we're one week away from its completion. it is a two week process.

we are so excited about it and found that many other people are as well! elderberry is in the media spotlight for flu immunity boosting properties...so the kids have decided to open a little business to raise some money for homeschooling supplies. (note:we're not claiming it's miracle drug, or anything of the sort. :) but we've been taking elderberry syrup and we all feel great.)

they are selling their organic elderberry tincture for $8 an ounce. packaged in a dropper jar, it's made with organic elderberries and vegetable glycerin and spring water. and will be shipped for $4.50 priority mail anywhere in the continental USA. our first batch will be ready on tuesday the 20th of october and the second will be ready 28th of october. so far, all but two ounces from next week's batch are reserved, but there is plenty available to be shipped on the 28th.

anyone interested can leave a comment below and we can exchange info...f.y.i. i do have a paypal account or you can mail the kids a check...

elderberry & lemon balm

2009-10-06T18:23:00.000-07:00

we have been following the monthly zine put out by luna herbs...or herbal roots.

last month we studied elderberry and this month, october, we are studying lemon balm. and i have to say, there is no coincidence that good things have been upon us because of it.

a study recently came out with elderberry being in the forefront as the herb to fight H1N1 virus...swine flu. it is supposedly a powerful antioxidant. we made some elderberry syrup, and are still in the process of making a tincture from dried elderberries...and i am a firm believer in its power as a profalactic. it has been unwittingly put to a test...

J has been sick with a debilitating cold for about a week. he has been home with us...potentially spreading his germs...yet not one of the kids nor i feel sick in the very least. i attribute this to the fact that we have been slurping delicious elderberry syrup everyday and i swear it is what has kept us healthy. J is usually the one who doesn't get sick! but, alas, he has not been part of our elderberry learning.

we made cookies from lemon balm tonight and they were delicious, too. lemon balm is an antiviral herb. and we are planning to use it to its fullest! thanks luna herbs! we love you.

xo

Powwow

2009-10-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

this monday began quite turmoiled. it felt like the sour taste one has in the mouth after vomiting. seriously it was rough.

J was home sick all weekend. sick to the point where he couldn't hold baby D or be too close with the kids so that he didn't get them sick. and of course they wanted to be near him so badly it hurt them. his being home, in essence, it felt more like having an extra child.

though i love being around my husband, this weekend was exhausting. especially after the long week i had had with new work, sending my jewelry off to a new shop for consigning, homeschool, and my general mommy duty stuff...oh boy...and of course the kids were sure to use poor behavior that was not normal to them, and well, to sum things up, i felt as though i am a very unsuccessful mother for sure.

this morning, monday, was no different...J was home and i began school only to have the boys completely not listen to me and putting up a fight over everything i was asking them to do. J just kept looking at me and trying to tell me how to handle it, but to me it just sounded like, "this is what you are doing wrong, pam...this is your fault because, pam"...and i nearly broke down in a fit of tears that in other times of my life would have put me out of commission for a good day or two.

i felt as though my efforts were in vain, like a horrible tired wreck of a woman with no more strength to muster. i don't get a break from my kids these days, ever. and well...i woke up from a longnight's sleep feeling completely exhausted the moment one of my sons opened his mouth.

but i am a mom. and there is no room for break-downs, melt downs, tantrums, tears, or being tired.

instead i pulled myself together, i forced myself to ignore the feeling of wanting to crumble and sat the kids down with me as their dad left for work. we had a Powwow. we gathered our strength.

we sat down cross-legged and talked to each other about the issues we have with each other, areas we need to improve on, like i need to be more patient and more kind when things go wrong...and Boo needs to be more vocal about things when he is asked questions and more present, more focused, less distracted...Bones needs to be more positive and do his work with less of a negative grudge and not create distractions. we also talked about our many strengths and the things we love about homeschooling and why we want to work on the things getting in the way of it. we want to homeschool, all three of us. we want it work we are willing to work on ourselves to make it work...and well, we left our little powwow feeling empowered.

thankfully.

it is a huge and wonderful task to school my children...but i do need to insert a place for myself to be able to breathe. i need a few moments a week to myself. and the plan had been for J to have the kids for cooking classes on saturday mornings so that i could kickbox and get out my stress and steam, but that isn't working. i need to find another way. sigh. this is a big task in itself.

xo

work stuff.

2009-09-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

work stuff.. ha! that sounds like such a droll boring statement. but really when i entitled this blog post i was writing those words with more than a glint of excitement. WORK STUFF! YAY!

i have work brewing. work for this wonderful local artist/entrepreneur designing and putting together a cookbook which is also a family history...i met with her today. hearing about her project today has gotten me so excited to do the work. and the idea of making my own money, money that is per hour and not per chance like selling artwork, well...the crescendo of this coming my way is simply stifling...i don't want to breathe until it is in the works.

but i am breathing. and happily i have run into another fortunate outlet for my artwork, at least for my jewelry. Beth Fowler is opening up an amazing little eclectic marketplace in connecticut called Loam and has asked me to put some of my work in her shop. it is perfect for this to happen right now. it takes a lot of energy to sell my work...and if she is doing it, well, i can concentrate on creating and working on this book.

and mostly, being able to work from home on both my own art and this book i get to concentrate on my kids and their schooling, which is going so well. i have learned that lots of kisses and eye gazing helps me to get them feeling focused and feel appreciated. i love my kids so much. they are amazing, try so hard and they love me.

i have to add that i love being an at-home mom. so much. i am so thankful to J for working so hard so that i can be there consistently for Boo, Bones and Baby D...but there is also something to be said for earning a bit of one's own money. 'nuff said on the subject.

xo

common ground

2009-09-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

so...of all the autumn fairs in maine, i have to say i love common ground the best. Boo describes it best when he says, "it isn't all about getting our money." :) it is a fair that feels like old times, without rides or loud blaring pop music, though there are two stages with great live music and everything is based on organic farming and living harmoniously with the earth. tens of thousands of people come together to celebrate living simpler and i think it one of our favorite things to do all year.

the kids favorite part of the fair is such a simple pleasure, it is hard to really translate the oodles of fun they have...sliding down a dusty hill on waxed boxes. they do it every year and would spend hours upon hours doing it were they not given limits!

really it is a beautiful thing when kids, TONS OF THEM, are entertained without anyone having spent a cent...no Zipper, or Arctic Coaster that zooms through the air with loud rock music blasting...it is simple, pure, fun. and i guarantee it will be what they remember...not the rides at other fairs. :)

i love maine.

now, if only the stupid, graphic pro-lifers that stand with their nasty posters of dead babies outside the gate of common ground would realize they do more harm than any good for their cause then we would have the perfect fair. :)

corn corn corn.

2009-09-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

took the honey babies to a corn maze in dayton or hollis or biddeford on friday...don't honestly know what town it was in, but it was directly next to skelton falls...a hydro-electric project. the maze was super wicked awesome fun...we were lost for so long...there were ten check points and it took us almost 45 minutes of circles to find out way to the third...we were happily lost and learned to work together and finally freed ourselves from the damn corn!!!

acres and acres and acres of corn. corn corn corn.

down with materialism and up with that material i packed away for a rainy day!

2009-09-24T21:27:00.001-07:00

i am trying to be good, as in frugal, these days. down with materialism...at least with shopping. i love buying and trading with other artisans and all though...don't get me wrong.

tonight though, because i really felt that urge for something new and fun to wear on all of our outings this weekend (it is going to be quite the adventure filled weekend!)...so i grabbed a piece of leopard print jersey i was hanging onto to make something out of someday and i went to town on it.

and out of it came the perfect little fall skirt! raw edges, nothing fancy, longer in the back than in the front...it is stretchy and comfy and fits perfectly...my picture doesn't do it justice...perhaps i'll have a better one to post after the weekend is over!

i had no idea what i was doing honestly...but it came out perfectly. all i can say is yay! Yay! YAY!!

xo

sax class

2009-09-23T07:30:00.000-07:00

saxophone lessons at the public school began for my oldest son...9 year old Boo, today.

for the first time in his life, Boo, who is a perpetually messy-haired kid, asked me for a comb. he wanted to comb his hair for his class. this shook me. i cannot explain how significant this event is. i'm not sure what it means, besides that he has become concerned with his appearance, but i can say with certainty that big things are afoot.

we got to band early to orient ourselves.

upon arrival we discovered that the band director is not a band director at all. nope. it is an alias, a front. he is an impostor, he told my kids. he does it for the pay and is actually a jazz saxophonist...but shhhhh....don't tell the principal.

he homeschools four of his children...or his wife does. he has a smashingly funny personality and Boo and Bones took to him right away. he is even going to help us find a used clarinet so we can teach Bones clarinet at home...he is so eager to learn a wind instrument seeing his brother take this new exciting challenge on. and i can play clarinet...so why not!?

all i can say is that we feel so lucky for Boo to be able to take band and sax with school. i can see in him a huge excitement and it sparks one in me, too.

curried lamb stew...perfect for an autumn eve out by a fire with friends

2009-09-22T20:21:00.000-07:00

we are lucky to live near a farm called "ewe and I'...they raise sheep. and you can buy organic lamb there. though, unfortunately i can't afford that lamb at present, i had to put it out there for anyone who can. i love to support local businesses.

anyway...lamb stew. yummy, soul warming stew with a bit of a kick. and add a big dollop of israeli couscous and you have a masterpiece.

you'll need:
some oil...i like EV olive oil, although i am known to use toasted sesame oil every once in a while
some lamb...i use a piece of shoulder or shank cut into big hunks the size of two or three bites
a sweet onion
4 gloves of garlilc
some salt
1 Tbsp tumeric
1 tsp
ground ginger
1/4 tsp dried red pepper flakes
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
3 Tbsp honey
1 Tbsp
bragg's amino acid
3 Tbsp red wine
1 cup of black lentils (or any lentils...but black are petite, tender and pretty darn sexy)
salt and fresh ground pepper
pre-prepared israeli cous cous with some good freshly shredded aged cheese like parmesan reggiano tossed into it.

create:
put some oil in a big cast iron pot or the like and warm over medium heat...brown the lamb in the oil on all sides in batches and put to the side

peel the onion and garlic and chop into tiny bits. put some more oil in the pan you browned the lamb in and brown the onion and garlic, adding a little salt.

stir in the tumeric, ginger, cinnimon, pepper and nutmeg, with some freshly ground pepper.

stir in the honey, the Bragg's and wine. Put the lamb in the pan...pour in cold water until all of the ingredients are well covered...bring to a boil, then put lid on pan. reduce heat and simmer for 1-1 1/2 hours or until the meat is tender and falls apart with some forking.

add the lentils to the pot and cook another 20 or so minutes without the lid on until lentils are soft and all the liquid has thickened a bit.

put some couscous at the bottom of each bowl and spoon the stew over the top.

kick your feet up with some awesome people around a fire, dig in and enjoy.

and the devil on the other shoulder is screaming for...Those Chocolate Chip Cookies...aka: how i get my work-a-holic husbnad to pay attention to me.

2009-09-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

best Chocolate chip cookies i've eaten or made (and i've made plenty...it's how i bribe my husband into doing things for me)...and believe it or not they're vegan!

1 cup earth balance(or butter for you non-vegans)
1 1/4 c sugar
1 Tbsp molasses
1 tsp vanilla extract (real, of course)
2 1/2 c flour (i use unbleached white whole wheat and it is great...but regular flour will do.)
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 cups chips

set oven to 350
combine thoroughly each ingredient in order listed except chips...should be creamy and firm, but if it is dry add a touch of water. then add chips. lick the beaters. drop by teaspoon fulls on a cookie tray and bake 8-10 minutes...let cool on sheet 5 minutes before taking off...

pour yourself some milk, cow, rice, soy, goat or otherwise, dunk and enjoy!!!

the little angel on my shoulder calls for...the best kale salad ever

2009-09-22T18:23:00.000-07:00

i love kale. period. simply one of the best foods on the planet. and i just got this amazing recipe for a kale salad which is sooo easy it's not even funny...of course i have bastardized it to my liking...

so here it is...(ingredients are rough estimates...)
kale. raw. lots of it. chopped up in tiny bite size pieces.
some bragg's amino acids (about 3 Tbs)
the juice of a citrus fruit...the original recipe called for a lemon, but i recently just subbed a clementine for it and it was fabulous. let the pulp fall right in, too.
some EV olive oil (a few tsps)
finely sliced shallot (one big fat one or so...)
apple cider vinegar (as much as needed depending on how much kale you've used)
chopped red cabbage
salt and pepper to taste

mix it all up and let sit for a little while...or not.it's also great right after you toss it, too.
and soooo bloody good for you. every time i have felt i wanted to shed some pounds kale became my best friend...for a good reason. mmmmm.

a cacophony of joyful noises...

2009-09-22T17:04:00.000-07:00

Boo got his alto sax in the mail today...the day before lessons begin at the public school. i was so nervous...i thought it wouldn't get here in time. i thought i wouldn't be able to find one we could afford...but it all happened harmoniously and joyfully. luckily it WAS on the day before lessons begin. i don't think this excited boy could wait longer than 24 hours to start his learning!

i have never seen him so excited. he was abubble...kept saying..."i feel so good, mommy!" "i am just so excited!!!" it was so wonderful to witness. i knew he would love it. i imagine the band director handing him the diagram of how to play the notes...and i tell you he will learn them all in a matter of one day. he learned to read music in one half hour lesson...he will learn to play that sax in one evening alone with it and the information. i am so excited to watch it go down.

sigh.

i love my kids and their eagerness to learn and create. Boo played that sax as best as he could muster today and Bones played a bit of the songs he and Boo have been working out on the piano while Baby D wailed like a dying seal trying to mimic Boos' sax playing. Rontu (the dog) and i sat trying not to wince. it was horrifically beautiful and i am so excited for my children to know the gift of music.

i do have the endurance to last through their learning years. hell...i was teaching myself violin when i was J's neighbor...talk about aural pain. and he still fell in love with me. :) i owe it to me kids to meditate through this time period. :)

yay! music!!

Work.

2009-09-21T06:30:00.000-07:00

i have had so much change in my life recently, with much more to come.

tubby time

2009-09-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

autumnal goods

2009-09-17T15:11:00.000-07:00

i finished ginging's fall sweater jacket today...i had to show it off...i just love it so much. well, him in it sooo much i should say. i made the pattern up...it was my first hood. i think the bumps are kind of charming. only problem is the two older, much larger brothers want them now, too. looks like handworks are in order for homeschooling! they can make their own. with all i have to do i'd be done in the summer!

and we're off!!!

2009-09-15T07:34:00.001-07:00

yesterday marked the official start of our homeschooling year. we have yet to get our curriculums, so we are working on the outside-the-curriculum stuff for now.

we began with some math review, and reading. and the boys chose some independent research topics. we had to sign up for soccer, so we rode our bikes to the parks in rec office and then to the library to get books...J Boo chose sharks and Bones chose volcanos. should be fun topics and warrant a trip to the boston museum of science. yay!!! we biked over 8 miles yesterday with baby in tow!

J Boo began his archery workshop with our town yesterday...and he had a great time. and got a double bull's eye to boot. yay jetty.

today we began using the math books we got from the public schools...everyday math. they seem great and easy enough for me to understand. i am thinking they will be the math we use instead of calvert. saves us a couple hundred bucks.

we are also starting our first herbology unit....a new herb each month for a year!!!! we begin with elderberries! in the spirit of hogwarts we go! who knows, maybe one of them will be a naturopath...or a witch doctor.

bones starts his music class today and we are still hunting for a sax for j boo...his band starts next week and we haven't found one yet. :( eeee....time is ticking. sooo much to do so little time!

a Picnic with my son...and thousands of other people, too...IN THE RAIN!!!

2009-09-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

i participated in Portland Maine's very own Picnic music and arts festival yesterday...and as a helper i brought my very willing 9 year old son Little J along. he would be in charge of the $$, making change and stuff...and he brought along his deck of tarot cards in case he got the gumption to do a little reading for people.

well...the day began quite swimmingly. sales galore, a totally positive and interested response to my work...but then the rain hit...
hard.

and paper and rain, despite manmade shields just don't mix...

Little J helped with protecting things...he was morally supportive and just sooo GOOD. he wound up hiding under the table for the last hour that we hung in there reading a book under a giant furry leopard print blanket to keep dry and warm.

my point here, is that he was amazing. helpful, enthusiastic, adaptable and entertained himself with raindrops when he had nothing else to do...i loved spending some alone time with him. it reminded me of the year and half when it was ust he and i, before the other two meatballs came. my children are all so unique to themselves...and i love them so much.

i got several compliments from neighboring sales people about how wonderful he is...

and they are right. great kid. great time. thanks J Boo for being my helper and sorry the by donation readings didn't pan out (dry space was quite limited)...maybe the december Picnic will be condusive!!

warm woolies...

2009-09-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

when the cold weather starts to whistle in the distance i hunker down like a good mama hen and crochet or knit until my fingers bleed.

if you are like me and create WAY too many warm things consider donating them to "nest"...follow the link below for more info.
http://nestmaine.blogspot.com/

hooray for good eggs. i am all for risking being called a socialist and pitching in.

fingerprints

2009-09-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

my mom keeps things. pretty much everything.

so it's no wonder that when i realized my oldest son would love an ancient typwriter for his very special birthday (he turns 9 on 9/9/09) that she would have one sitting in her basement. an old smith-corona that belonged to my beloved great aunt, Shash.

shash stood for francis, pronounced by a child. shash.

the typewriter is old...sticky and covered in muck and oily dirt. i took out a cloth tonight, some alcohol and a brush to begin the process to clelaning it.

but i am a bit freaked out.

i have a deep rooted love and adoration of things with history, a love and passion that i passed down to Little J. it is odd though, that shash's fingerprints bring back such vivid memories...she lived with my family during my high school years and i helped to care for her as she aged. she was obese and had arthritis and had a hard time moving about. she needed a lot of help to put it mildly. but she was grateful and pleasant...and so generous. it wasn't like she was a burden. not to me, at least. although there were some sites, scents and unpleasantries i'm sure she'd hope i would forget...but i haven't.

especially not with seeing her fingerprints all over this typewriter. her fingers were often coated with stuff...food, most of the time. when she woke up she would begin to prepare dinner if only in her mind. she was a single woman all of her life, rumor has it a virgin. a business woman, first woman to work at Western Connecticut State University in the business office even. she was the first feminist i ever knew...and i didn't even know the term for it back then. she traveled the world on her good state worker's pay. and what were her tales from her travels? they were about food. from french gourmet to hot dog carts the woman could recall practically every meal she had in her life. and she did. fondly. often.

she had a passion for eating. and it showed in her physique, which ultimately made her life sour. she had to give up her mobility, her freedom because she could no longer lift her heavy legs from gas to brake. she needed to ring a little bell that sat next to her auto-lift recliner so i would come in and help her to the bathroom, or change her clothing, help her bathe or pick up the imagined string she thought was all over the floor. she walked with a walker that bent and buckled underneath her great weight. eventually she wound up in a wheel chair. eventually my parents wound up wanting to leave connecticut for maine and she wound up giving it all up and choosing a nursing home for herself...where the food sucked.

i remember the night she died. i was my now husband's neighbor. it was the night i went to see that stupid war movie with matt damon in it...in the theatre with that stupid, idiot boyfriend i was dating back then. i came home, thinking about world war 2 and the era my aunt was from and i sadly discovered that she was gone. i was in maine. she was in connecticut. and she was just gone. i think she was 84. i was 25.

a month later i bought my little house. J came around four or five months after that and has been here ever since...and then the babies started making their entrances into the world. J, our three children and i all live in that little house still, although it looks much differnt than it did 11 years ago when i bought it. it makes me sad that she died right before these great transitions of mine. she didn't get to experience it. she never really got to know the woman i have become.

but her typewriter is sitting in this old 1790's cape of ours...that old heavy beast covered in her fingerprints...it will see my offspring and know them. hopefully it will click and clack it's way into the heart of Little J, my writer with a passion for the ancient, the used, things with a past...

i do need to clean off the fingerprints. though they do leave a lovely patina...i have to admit, i relate them to the smears on the bathroom wall next to the roll of toilet paper that i cleaned up for her while holding my breath...and the smudges all over the house from where she leaned on the walls or the furntiture to help her move around. at 16, for me, sometimes it was hard not to gag. but i am stronger and kinder and wiser from having loved her...and lived so closely with her.

Shash. i love you. thanks for the typewriter. and the many lessons. (and thanks mom, for having it still!)

xo

running our rat terrier's derrier off

2009-09-02T08:33:00.000-07:00

every fall reminds me of cross country...the smell of leaves, the chill of early morning that opens to comfortable sunshine. perfect time of the year to run...

Little J and R ran track with our town this summer and they loved it. there is something so primal and raw and basic about running that it drew them in just like it drew me in years ago. it is a sport where you compete with others, against others, but ultimately it is about yourself and doing your personal best. my kids loved it more than any other sport they've participated in so far.

so, because our little rat terrier Rontu is getting a bit fat, we have begun taking him on jogs. 2 to 3 miles. at first the kids were riding their bikes as i ran with the baby in the jogging storller and Rontu on the leash...but today they decided to run the whole way.

and they did it!

Little J has the demeanor of a distance runner, stable, well-paced and not a word of complaint out of his mouth. he made it effortlessly the whole way and even claimed he could go further!

R, on the other hand is more of a sprinter. he whined and complained and tried to find every excuse to stop, though he managed to make it through the whole 2 1/2 miles...and he ran as fast as lightening for the last 1/4 mile of it even! sounds a lot like my style when i first moved from sprinting to distance running in high school!!!

it has become a habit, this daily jaunt. and a good one. we need to get that doggy of ours down to 19 pounds...from 23!!!! porker!

no one said it would be easy...

2009-08-31T17:39:00.001-07:00

i never thought it was going to be easy...homeschooling my children that is. in fact i know it is going to be quite a challenge. especially the transition to such a schedule after so many months of free-for-all.

though we aren't going to begin using our curriculum for a couple of weeks i have begun to prep the boys and myself for the structure to come. we woke up early this morning and took our dog on a 3+ mile run/bike ride. then came home and did some math placement testing. getting the boys out of their routine of free play time was not so easy. they did put up a bit of grouchy foot stamping, especially R. but they settled into their desks and put their thinking caps on and really got into the challenges they were presented with. yes, once i got them working it all went quite smoothly. we have more testing tomorrow. and another bike ride to come in the morning down to town hall to sign up for all of their extracurriculars. archery! karate! football...robots!!!!

oh! and as it works out, saturdays are going to be the boys cooking lessons with daddy! every saturday morning i will head up to portland to my cherished kickboxing class so i can box my demons, sweat my ass off and release my stress and J will be with the three kids teaching them cooking skills. and kitchen cleaning skills! soooo excited for that. not only do i get to maintain my favorite and only activity that i do alone, but my kids will be able to witness their daddy in the kitchen (he virtually never cooks...or cleans up for that matter. work work work is his agenda). hope it inspires them.

eeee.

a little shrine for mama...

2009-08-27T13:47:00.001-07:00

i just wanted to share the sweet little thing that Little J and R did for me...right in front of the place i do dishes, i have my speakers and a beautiful antiqued buddha staring me in the face. the boys decided to decorate my little space as a surprise for me...and it has been nothing but pleasure doing the dishes since. so sweet...so nicely arranged! notice the little vine rainbow in front...R's touch. i love my boys.

the desk!

2009-08-27T13:36:00.000-07:00

so...we have both of our school desks ready to roll! painted with several smooth velvety black layers of blackboard paint on top for fun calculations, doodling and generally to just make the desks irresistible to their owners. the crafty trick worked! school is weeks away and the boys have spent several hours at their desks today! writing, figuring, drawing, designing some comics...they love them.

i highly recommend this easy upgrade to a tired desk or a table. the kids just love it.

Honest Pretzels

2009-08-25T06:44:00.000-07:00

for the past couple of weeks we've had a daily guest, my niece, M. it's been a lot of fun having her everyday when her mom shoves off to work. an added element of zip and zest.

she is here today and forgot her bathing suit! egad... :) so i am trying to plan something fun for us to do to pass the time. we went bike riding yesterday...so today i thought perhaps we'd bake something yummy and eat it out in our little teahouse in the backyard. have a boy-friendly teaparty. lately i have been feeling like i need to instill some more chivalry in my sons anyway. they have been kind of anti-girl. and that is just not okay. :)

so i plan on searching through one of my favorite kid friendly cookbooks Honest Pretzels...and cooking away with three kids. but first i need to do the dishes from last nights' supper (i stayed up late being an artist and posting new work online and sacrificed a clean kitchen to do it, but i didn't even get it all up yet!!!...no rest for the motivated. you can check out the fruits of my labor at www.tangiblesbysf.etsy.com or in person at PICNIC the craft fair i am gearing up for in September.).

Honest Pretzels...here we come!!!!!

intention

2009-08-18T06:46:00.000-07:00

so, the looming letters of intent are going out in the mail today. they are sitting in the box with their breast cancer awareness stamps on them ready to be picked up by our mailman.

i have emails to write to the principals of the boys' respective would-be schools to let them know they will not be full time students and officially request that the kids take music and band still. both have agreed to this already, but i haven't confirmed it on our end.

it feels pretty wild knowing we will endeavor to do this. trying to organize this world to accommodate this dream is going to be the biggest challenge including making the boys' two distinctly different personalities and learning styles mesh together, and entertaining baby D (or ensuring he naps at a certain time anyway.) while it all goes on.

but i am feeling brave, although i have a kink in my back from sleeping with a fan on for the first time all summer last evening...i am ready for the challenge. intent on success. success for our whole family. :)

wish us luck.

yoga...with the kids and all...

2009-08-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

we do yoga.

we LOVE yoga.

i do yoga most days, my own little practice. i don't have the time alone without kids, or the funds to actually take steady classes with someone at the present time. and anyway, i find myself feeling pretty satisfied with my peaceful time on my own in the mornings before the kids get up, or in the evening when everyone has quieted down. i would love to take a class...but i actually really like leading others in yoga. so when the kids join in my sessions i am the happiest.

because we will have such a structured first part of every day once our schooling adventure begins, i have decided that i am incorporating yoga into our routine. J. has asked that i make it happen early early in the day so that he can be a part of it, too. i love that. family yoga every single morning first thing. and then breakfast together...what a way to start the day and feel connected as a family and grounded as an individual.

out on a date with the boys last week, i found "Yoga Pretzels." and i bought it. :)

it's a card game similar to "Dinner Games" which my children already love. we've played a few times, and it's fun, practical and gives everyone a chance to lead the little group's yoga session...i plan on using it along with my own favorite poses to fill the little 45 minute morning sessions.

we chose our path...and have begun whacking the weeds on it down!!!

2009-08-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

so...we have made our decision to go ahead with our homeschooling plan. it is done. we have settled it in our hearts.

the final thread hanging to the normalcy of school as most people know it was cut when Big J. and i, in a discussion about life, basically came to the conclusion that life is short, and that there is nothing more important to us than our children. we want to spend as much healthy time and energy with them as possible and give them all we can. our two chosen occupations allow us to do this, so why not take advantage of that and live the way we want to??? neither he nor i have ever taken the worn down path in life. living by our guts, our instincts, works for our family...and i believe teaching our children that they don't have to be like everyone else, that they don't need to squish themselves into some box, is going to benefit them and help them keep their unique sparkle in the long run.

so we have begun the configuring of our school room...refinished an old desk and painted the top with chalkboard paint for endless figuring out of stuff. we still need to find one more desk to do this to!!!

we bought all of the basic school supplies we'll need, like pencils, chalk, pens, paper, notebooks, rulers, etc...the acquisition of these materials was way too much fun. we felt like supply addicts. Little J, who generally shies away from writing has already filled pages in one of the journals we bought him. :) handwriting can be fun when it isn't work. his teachers at school found getting him to write to be like trying to get a pig to fly...

the kids are almost finished completing the placement tests for the Calvert School...once that is done and the kids' grade levels and math levels are determined we will order their curriculums. i think we have found our japanese program which is the language we have chosen to learn as a family. we are all so excited about this and hope to travel to japan when baby D is a little older. it makes sense as a perfect excursion and foreign language choice since we have family that speaks mostly japanese...and we have family and friends we can visit in japan.

on the arts fronts we have designed our program which will combine all of the arts into a giant project for the first half of the year. the program is basically a puppet show production that will involve the design and creation of puppets, a set, a play with musical accompaniment and then the actual performance. we are hoping to get other folks involved in this because we imagine it to be way better way bigger. :)

we got our piano tuned. still trying to figure out if we will continue on with our regular piano lessons or venture out into something new. R is showing a strong interest in the guitar and he will attend music class at the public school. we have sent the old saxophone in to get restored for Little J to take sax and band at the middle school, too.

i found a really cool robotics workshop at the local library for each of the boys in november. they screamed with joy when i told them about it. R has mentioned that when he grows up he wants to design robots, specifically for the purpose of helping moms. :) i'll help foster that dream!

we have two september adventures planned...both the blue hill fair (which is the fair charlotte's web was written about...big sis K will actually be singing there this year!) and MOFGA's common ground country fair. hoping to camp out for each! nothing like overnight field trips!

and lastly we have outlined our physical extracurriculars. Little J chose archery and R chose flag football to start the year. they will both play their beloved soccer as well. they both will take karate as a constant throughout the year and we are joining the YMCA as a family so we can all swim together (and so i can undeniably have a chance to shake my groove thing as well).

so we sit in the middle of august, poised and ready for this coming challenging adventure! so thrilled for all that lies ahead.

pups...

2009-08-12T09:41:00.000-07:00

in april we lost my big honey, Puck. a 115 pound 14 year old mutt whom i adopted from the pound in new haven Ct when i was hardly more than a pup myself. he was so tiny back then...i carried him home from the pound in my palm. he grew to be giant buddy with an even bigger heart. the best dog that ever was as far as i was concerned.

i can still taste the feeling of burying him. i can still hear my wailing as i dug his grave all by myself. the day i said goodbye to that sweet boy was harder than i ever imagined it would be. the warm wind whipped around and blew my dirty hair into my tear streaked face...like pucky's spirit had been set free, finally. he had wallowed in a corner for years, aging aging aging...slowly deteriorating...

shudder.

it was so hard.

we have a new dog, Rontu. well, we've had him going on three years this fall. he's a little wiry, high strung rat terrier. the kids all love him and he loves them. he is very loyal and bright. he guards me constantly, sitting at my feet protecting me and the baby. he's a sweet sweet little dog. when i adopted him i thought it would help Pucky have some energy, but alas it didn't. Puck was too old to kick it with such a young spritely dog.

lately i have been pining for more canine love. i have been wandering through the pet rescue websites and thinking of adopting a dog that needs a home. a lot of families have had to give up their beloved pets in this crummy economy...but my husband is not really into animals and has put a serious hold on the idea of more pets. :(

that is...until today. one of the people who works for my husband has to give up his dog because of issues with his living arrangements. Willy. and, Willy just happens to be our dog Rontu's litter mate. they are full brothers and love each other already. In fact, when i adopted Rontu, Willy was the only other pup left in the litter and i wished i could take him as well...

the idea is a little daunting...another being to take care of...but in my experience, having dogs together, loving each other and playing together and learning together is a really good thing. and we as a family have plenty of love to give. and Willy is a good boy, handsome as all get out and he is Rontu's brother for goodness sake...how could we say no?

the decisions left to be made are whether he will be our dog, and join our family permanently or whether he will be here in a sort of foster care until our friends have a different living situation...

i would hate for the kids or the dogs to be broken hearted because willy would have to leave, however, i also don't want to live in avoidance of pain that may or may not come. for all the pain i felt when Puck pass away, I would not have traded it for the joy he and i experienced together. no way no how.

<3

facing our demons...the real life kind.

2009-08-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

my kids love karate...
in our little maine town however, there isn't much in the way of good martial arts schools. two and a half years ago the boys began taking karate at a school that was 40 minutes north of us, twice a week...and the grand tally for classes was just under $200 per month. ouch.
to us, in this economy, that's a big expense. plus the gas and the time spent antsy in the car right after school...
there is a place in our town that has reasonably priced, supposedly really good karate classess for kids aged 7 and up. in the past we haven't been able to take them because my middle son wasn't 7 until this past june...but now he is...and the cost would only be about 35 a month...total...and they are only about a mile and a half away.
the one major issue is that back then, when my oldest son was 5 and 6 we had a crisis involving this very disturbed child who was 10 at the time...he targeted my oldest son and bullied him, cruelly. (it's a long, long story that i get vehemently angry when telling involving a way too idealistic, parent run school and an abused kid without supervision...just glad i trusted my gut on the issue is all i have to say). we have avoided this twisted child and his dark family for years.
but now as we find ourselves yearning for martial arts again, with funds, gas and other things in mind, that in-town class seems really appealing. and i have a hunch this bully is still in the class...one more year.
i have been mulling it over and over. my kids have grown tremendously in the past few years. they have developed into responsible people who call it like they see it...they stand for no injustice done to anyone, or anything...and i have to trust that they can handle themselves in a karate class with this...this...other child. that they will not let each other take abuse. of course, i will be there to oversee things, but being in the same room with this older kid is a big deal for us...
point...i think we are ready as a little collective to take on our past demons. to face him. and do it with our heads held high.

i can't deny it gives me a twinge in my belly, though.

refurbishing the old...

2009-08-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

the old typewriter that is.

for my oldest son's special birthday coming up. he is going to be 9 on 9/9/09 and it just feels so incredible, numerically speaking!

i had begun shopping for an old typewriter, but lucky me, my mom had one that she was just keeping in storage! a smith-corona, which looks to be from the 1940s that was passed down to her from my Great Aunt Shash. it's a big heavy beautiful old beast with lots of wear, but in super good condition. it's a reporter's typewriter if ever i saw one. but the keys stick and it needs a new ribbon. i am on a quest to refurbish this work of art writer's tool for my little creative writer that can't stand writing by hand! he loves old things with history, too.

i am so excited about it...

home's cool

2009-08-04T06:17:00.000-07:00

the kids and i are gathering up bunches of our things to have a big yard sale in two weeks. all of the money we earn is going to our homeschooling fund. the curriculums j and i have decided to use cost a total of 1600 for the year and there are a bunch of extracurricular activities that the kids are wanting to do that cost money, too. continuing with piano and adding karate, soccer, and the YMCA...museum trips. plus jett is beginning to learn the saxophone in september through school, so we need to find a way to get him one of those, too. we needs a big pot of money to draw from so nothing inhibits our learning...

we are getting so excited. but we do have a lot of organizing and work to do and money to earn.

we decided that our arts project is going to involve all of the arts. puppetry (no big surprise here!) the creation of puppets, a theatre...the writing and performance of a play with the puppets and then a big production that can also involve music. we have even talked about involving other homeschoolers and having the production include a bake sale to be another fund raiser. my kids are little entrepeneurs. guess that happens when your parents are self employed...and also when we have these lofty ideas that cost lots of money it helps to have creative ideas on how to manifest that dough!

i have been thinking about having a homeschooling art group that meets for a couple of hours twice a week. i am just mad about the idea of making puppets. marionettes... and also having some regular social interaction for jett and ronin. not sure if our big farmers' table will quite work for this though...so i am thinking we may find a space to rent for this project. maybe we'll even hold it after school so kids who go to school could join in. it is definitely something to think about...and begin to research. in fact i am falling in love with this idea as i type. it is a great little way for the kids to get their art in, some social time and for me to flex my desire to work with kids in an artistic forum and maybe even make a little money doing it??? hmmmmm. more on this to come.

so first things first...the simultaneous organize and sell of a yard sale. downsizing is always good. i love a good purge!

how to keep a well-intentioned simplification simple??

2009-07-28T06:49:00.000-07:00

last winter kicked our butts...the recession took it's toll on our family business, but with luck, the tightening of our belts and endurance we did make it through and now the business appears to be stronger and healthier than ever...like after a good fast, the body is able to do more and be healthier. it burns away anything that was holding it back.

we have someone new in the office...it is actually a relief to me. i did like helping my husband, j...but i did not love that work and the ever present need to get to the office everyday made each day soooo stressful on top of all the other things i have to do...raising three children with a husband who is married also to his business is no piece of cake. something had to give... i realized this one day when all of the kids were in the office with me and j came in and said..."we need a babysitter!" and i replied, "no honey, we need a bookkeeper." it's that simple. i want to raise my own kids.

back to the business end...it's not quite august yet, but the winter approaching is a bit daunting already. i cannot imagine having to endure another like last year...and i guess what i am trying to find a way to do here, is still have the grace-filled family oriented life i so desire, with art, homeschooling and time to cook every single day, but also have the opportunity and ability and time to earn money of my own to ease the fears in my mind...

basically, home schooling our two older sons is something i cannot bare to give up on. also, my art work...this is something i can't physically stop doing. i have been known to sneak it into my days...i am afraid to even write this, but it actually appears to be taking off. i have numerous sales on my little etsy sites every week...and i have two craft fairs that i am planning on doing this year, one in september and one in march, so i do need to keep producing. and now that the bookkeeping is out of the way, i should have plenty of time to do these things, art and homeschooling and taking care of my family and cooking yummy food and all of those other domestic things i do...BUT...

i have a job prospect.

one that is almost too good to pass up.

i mention it in my last blog entry...a book, putting material together and doing the design and layout work for a fellow, well known artist whom i totally admire. actually i love her work, both her artwork and life work. Kate. it would be a great contact, a great opportunity and on top of that i can work from home...and this could be the insurance we need that we won't become one of the people to go under in these awful economic times if something (or nothing as the case may be) were to happen again with our construction biz...

i have a meeting scheduled to discuss the book with her in september, right after the first craft fair...

i suppose with that fair out of the way, i will be able to breathe for a little while on the art front and work on kate's project...with the boys' schooling taking up three to three to half hours in the morning, plus extra-curricular stuff and field excursions...i could always reserve three hours from 8:30 to 11:30 in the evenings daily to work on the book and squeeze in more if need be. i'm a night owl anyway and do my best work in the dark hours...sigh.

i just wouldn't want the new project to consume all that i love and undermine what i am trying to accomplish through simplifying...we already have one parent in this household consumed by work and business...we don't need another. i keep asking myself...is there a way to balance all of this???? can i give my children the education they deserve, take care of my family, create art, and have a job where someone is depending on me from the outside????

and scribbling hours and schedules down on paper is not the answer...i think perhaps diving in may be.

o, thoughts to ponder.

balancing roles and goals. beyond a mere variable...

2009-06-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

i have had wads of crumpled up pieces of paper around me all day today as i calculate and weigh and try to balance the life that lays ahead of me and my family...but i think there are too many variables for me to capture it. it isn't like doing the books, where things are calculable and usually balance out in the end, or they just don't balance out and thus we need more money. this has to do with time...with love...with values...with priority...with the gifts and curses that have been bestowed on my life. things things are hard to weigh balance and calculate. they are immeasurable. they are beyond a mere variable.

i have been offered a job. one that is from a source other than my husband, who has been my employer, desite the difficulty of he and i working together, for almost two straight years. best of all it is a creative job for someone i admire. the creation and design of a book. a creative cookbook which incorporates the poetry and art of the person's family mingled with the recipes that have been passed down through generations...a family history through the exploration of the family's creations.

and i can work from home. i have everything i need to do it. everything, that is, except a clear slot of time daily...

i am planning to home school my children...the two older ones. it will take up about 4 hours of my day. and then some extra curricular stuff. i am trying to scrounge 5 hours a day to work...but it isn't easy as a mom and wife...sharing a world with a dad/husband that works 80+ hours a week running and nurturing a construction company. i do all the house stuff pretty much alone as it is. right now i work about 3-4 hours a day for him doing the accounting. but i loathe it. i am constantly thinking of what there is to eat when i do that work...when i am creating and making art or writing i forget that i need food. it is who i am. it is what i should be doing...and we have already planned to fill my job with a new person...when we find someone.

but there is something within me that tells me i should be a mom and that that should be enough. our school system here on the craggy coast of maine where i live is great as far as public school goes. but the budget isn't allowing for special programs...things for kids who need extra help are getting cut and things for kids needing more challenges are also getting cut. i have one of each type of kid. there are 21-24 kids per teacher without aids...and well, i know i can do a better job than the teachers can with that many students. neither of my kids felt successful this year and they are both good kids, with talents and brains and wits. the teachers are so overwhelmed, in my opinion, that they cannot individualize the education. and i suppose they aren't supposed to.

i want to teach my kids. and i want five hours to do some work to make some $$ of my own and gain some new experience. i am thinking i will have to take a break from creating my own art to do this book, which has been estimated at taking about a year to complete...i won't take the metal class i had planned on squeezing in even in order to focus more clearing on it.

i am just trying to find the time to work amongst all of the things i will need to do as a homeschooling parent/wife/homemaker. a homeschooling parent that can't rely on the other parent to take over...is there a way to balance schooling my kids, and fulfilling my needs as a creative person, as well as making some money of my own? i mean, i make art now, but i literally need to steal the time to make art. this will be someone else's art, but it will be an actual income. one that i can count on and calculate. art sales are few and far between...i could feasibly pay off a lot of my student debt and art material debt that i've collected over the years. if i focus. it would relieve so much stress on me.

but will there be a yummy home cooked meal on the table like there is now? will i get the stupid laundry and dishes done? will i focus on my kids enough? when will i find the time to do everything i need to do? i can't chart it on paper. i don't know what the f'n'a to do.

sigh.

a few thought on thighs.

2009-06-15T04:46:00.001-07:00

yes, thighs.

i admit it. i have cellulite. i kickbox like mohammad ali (in my own mind) and i do yoga and can fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, but i have an asston of cellulite and funky veins on the backs of my legs. they are not pretty. well, at least what mainstream media and the society affected by it would consider pretty.

one of my kids teachers is having a pool party to end the school year this week. i just was part of an email with a few of the moms from the class...moms who i admire and think of as being healthily involved in their children's lives. but, they were talking about not swimming at the party because of what they look like in bathing suits! my jaw hit the floor. i just have to write on this because it is way too early in the morning to be brewing up such feminist irk inside without an outlet for it.

our children will never remember the cellulite or the veins on our legs when they are grown up. they will not be disturbed by it. what they will remember is us hopping in the pool unabashed to play marco polo, or to be in the shallow end starting a game with the Not-So Good swimmers who may be feeling intimidated by the kids that swan dive. or they'll remember us hopping in to give a little pointer or two to teach them to swim better. that's a good memory...one that is a shame to throw away just to bolster a meaningless insecurity in ourselves.

if we get out there, feeling like we have the right to be, no matter what we may look like in a bathing suit, our children will be way less likely to question their own looks when they go to put on a swimsuit. way more likely to feel entitled to live happily and love their bodies. hell, when they're older with their own children, they'll be more likely to be an active participant in their children's lives rather than sitting on the sidelines because they have a chubby belly or orange peel textured thighs.

isn't this how our daughters have developed these hyper-exaggerated needs to look like super models all the bloody time? isn't it part of why they are not happy with their bodies? because we model that for them with our own insecurities? isn't it time we decided to throw all that beauty-biz hogwash away and realize that we have as much right to live life to the fullest no matter what we look like??? isn't it time we learn that life is too short to not love ourselves?

enough ranting. love yourself. and those around you will learn from it.

peace.

oh, issues.

2009-06-03T18:27:00.001-07:00

sometimes it is so hard to to see straight when there is a problem with my kids...they make a bad choice or two and otherwise steady adults are swaying back and forth trying to determine what to say and how to aproach the situation.

this is when i used to find myself opening up about situations really helps find a good solution. in my own life that is. it is why when i was younger people found it hard to gossip about me...i was always doing it about myself. :) but do i really want to put my children's issues out in the world for all to see? not so sure about that one. i guess that's what close knit networks of unconditional friendship is for.

peace.

2009-06-03T18:15:00.000-07:00

i've been finding it hard to come up with something to write about...a problem i don't encounter too often. i think it is because my husband and i had a conversation about blogs...the internet and how odd it is truly is to put words out into the universe not knowing where they are going, who they are going to hit and how they may come back at you.

well, since the third grade i have kept a journal. i'd write in it to clear my head, make sense of my thoughts and well...i find it natural to put my thoughts down in words...i'll just try to keep it a bit anonymous. (yea right.:))

a deep breath QUICK! only five minutes to write!

2009-05-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

when i think of how to describe the worldview from which i come, i don't even know where to begin. eclectic? i suppose. i'm a working artist, longing in the back of my mind to continue on to get my master's in art therapy. i'm the bookkeeper for my husband's construction firm. i'm a wife. a passionate homemaker. i practice yoga alone almost daily. i live to kickbox. i am a total foody and cook for my family with complete abandon. i love handmade things. and most importantly, i'm a mom. and i love my kids. every ounce of their guts. in fact, my world is happily centered around them.

like i believe most parents do, i want the best for my kids. this can mean something different to each person that you ask...but to me it means that i strive to create an affirmative, wholesome, healthy and balanced life for my children to thrive in. a life they can be free to be themselves in. one where mistakes are okay...learning their own way and being different are okay...actually beyond okay, where these things are welcomed and encouraged. in today's crazy consumer driven world, i have found i often need to tread off the beaten path to achieve this life for my children. indeed, it is a constant striving, as we are not even "there" yet. and it is this adventure, this journey of creating a love filled life for my family within the hectic day to day to-and-fro that i intend to sort out and document in this blog.

hope you'll join me on the journey and share your thoughts.