this winter.
it is longer than ones that have lasted well into June...and it is only just officially spring.
i turn forty in two days. and i am excited about that. feeling healthy and well and good for my age. yet...a little sun deprived and perhaps in need of a cleanse. thank goodness for my juicer.
and thus i will live well over this weekend and celebrate and come monday i will cleanse this body of toxins and juice for ten days straight.
also, in this, my fortieth year, i vow to drink more water than coffee and or wine. and as my youngest son will start school this year, i vow to find work that pays that i can do in the day when the children are away...i have grown tired of working nights away from my family. i have been so lucky to able to be with these boys rather than send them to day care. but it has been a sacrifice giving up some nights with them every week for sure.
breathing deeply. excited to be with my sister and friends tomorrow and my husband and sons on sunday for my actual birthday. <3 p="">
Friday, March 22, 2013
Monday, May 28, 2012
packed up my things in that little fisherman's cape on the coast of cape porpoise...sighed at the window by the kitchen sink, the one with the perfect view of Goat Island Light, the lighthouse that saved me from despair. heading home...to that little mustard colored house built piece by piece by the father of my babies and me. my home. my family. my love.
and i breathe deeply at the thought of heading home. of all it means and what the past year and half has meant. sigh away, i must.
i broke off a hunk of that broad shoulder i've leaned on like it was a hunk of baguette and shoved it in my pocket in case i should need it. i left the rest there in cape porpoise. i have no need for that any more.
as i see things, i'm okay. i'm reassured. there is love and light and color and happiness abounding. possibilities are endless. the boys are gleeful. i smile a lot.
the few bits of tattered what if's that lingered in my mind and heart are being placed in a box...a heart shaped box and folded into a piece of art to be forever entombed.
nigh-night cape porpoise. i've loved you up and have had my sweet fill. <3
Friday, October 14, 2011
i follow rivers
i grew up on a dead end that had a seductive gape of woods at it's mouth that taunted me as a child simultaneously with fear, adventure and curiosity.
Old Field Road in Southbury, Connecticut, humble in itself if it weren't for the rushing Pomperaug River nestled in a woodsy, leaf laden valley at the bottom of a steep, even more leafy, drop beyond the cul-de-sac.
as it would figure, as a child, i was forbidden to go to the river because my parents had a fear of my drowning in it. an unreasonable fear in my child's mind as my mother never learned to swim and couldn't possibly judge the actual danger properly. i could swim. i could leap from rock to rock, slide down leafy hills on both feet or my bottom if i had to. i was able. capable. sure footed. i wanted that river.
and as it would figure, that raging river became a place where i imagined everything unattainable was possible. i dreamed of high tailing it there whenever i wanted to escape the pain or boredom of my reality. it always played the setting for my dreams, tall stories and yarns...the stories i told my little brother and the neighborhood kids. it was a place of rainbows, cowboys, Indians and later...in my own private stories, love affairs.
it was the place i experienced many things. thrilling adventures with my little brother racing along the path worn by the water's edge when we dared sneak out of the fenced in yard (those were the days when kids were let out of the house in the morning and whistled in for supper at dusk)...and later i remember skinny dipping with my teenage friends, an experience complete with my first awkward gropings that were far from pleasurable experiences. and later, when i was in college after my family had already migrated to Maine, i would bring Dan there, the first boy to awaken me to life outside of the small world i had grown up in and the first to truly break my heart. i swam in it with him and made love to him in it. as if christiening my "worldly" boyfriend from new jersey in it would be enough of a sacrifice to conquer it. nope.
as an adult, i am realizing there has always been something that's taken the Pomperaug's place, a forbidden, unconquerable, dangerous eden. a place i could be happy if only...some tangible happiness i've not allowed myself, or that i've imagined someone keeping is me from.
and as an adult, i'm also realizing that this yonder happiness just isn't cutting it for me any more. i am ready to realize it all in the here and now...that i am allowed to tread wherever i damn well please, dangerous or not. but that i would like it to be an honest experience...in a river that welcomes me openly...not in the shadow at a dead end.
Old Field Road in Southbury, Connecticut, humble in itself if it weren't for the rushing Pomperaug River nestled in a woodsy, leaf laden valley at the bottom of a steep, even more leafy, drop beyond the cul-de-sac.
as it would figure, as a child, i was forbidden to go to the river because my parents had a fear of my drowning in it. an unreasonable fear in my child's mind as my mother never learned to swim and couldn't possibly judge the actual danger properly. i could swim. i could leap from rock to rock, slide down leafy hills on both feet or my bottom if i had to. i was able. capable. sure footed. i wanted that river.
and as it would figure, that raging river became a place where i imagined everything unattainable was possible. i dreamed of high tailing it there whenever i wanted to escape the pain or boredom of my reality. it always played the setting for my dreams, tall stories and yarns...the stories i told my little brother and the neighborhood kids. it was a place of rainbows, cowboys, Indians and later...in my own private stories, love affairs.
it was the place i experienced many things. thrilling adventures with my little brother racing along the path worn by the water's edge when we dared sneak out of the fenced in yard (those were the days when kids were let out of the house in the morning and whistled in for supper at dusk)...and later i remember skinny dipping with my teenage friends, an experience complete with my first awkward gropings that were far from pleasurable experiences. and later, when i was in college after my family had already migrated to Maine, i would bring Dan there, the first boy to awaken me to life outside of the small world i had grown up in and the first to truly break my heart. i swam in it with him and made love to him in it. as if christiening my "worldly" boyfriend from new jersey in it would be enough of a sacrifice to conquer it. nope.
as an adult, i am realizing there has always been something that's taken the Pomperaug's place, a forbidden, unconquerable, dangerous eden. a place i could be happy if only...some tangible happiness i've not allowed myself, or that i've imagined someone keeping is me from.
and as an adult, i'm also realizing that this yonder happiness just isn't cutting it for me any more. i am ready to realize it all in the here and now...that i am allowed to tread wherever i damn well please, dangerous or not. but that i would like it to be an honest experience...in a river that welcomes me openly...not in the shadow at a dead end.
Friday, December 31, 2010
resolutions 2011
vowing...
serenity
fruitful energy
creativity
FAMILY
love
organization
self respect
acceptance
serenity
fruitful energy
creativity
FAMILY
love
organization
self respect
acceptance
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
on society
*sigh*
i am at a bit of a loss as to how to best support him, except in simply loving his guts and telling him he is perfect the way he is...even if he can't throw a football half way down the field like so-and-so can. i'd so much rather have my Boo than a tom brady. any day. <3
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
