this winter.
it is longer than ones that have lasted well into June...and it is only just officially spring.
i turn forty in two days. and i am excited about that. feeling healthy and well and good for my age. yet...a little sun deprived and perhaps in need of a cleanse. thank goodness for my juicer.
and thus i will live well over this weekend and celebrate and come monday i will cleanse this body of toxins and juice for ten days straight.
also, in this, my fortieth year, i vow to drink more water than coffee and or wine. and as my youngest son will start school this year, i vow to find work that pays that i can do in the day when the children are away...i have grown tired of working nights away from my family. i have been so lucky to able to be with these boys rather than send them to day care. but it has been a sacrifice giving up some nights with them every week for sure.
breathing deeply. excited to be with my sister and friends tomorrow and my husband and sons on sunday for my actual birthday. <3 p="">

packed up my things in that little fisherman's cape on the coast of cape porpoise...sighed at the window by the kitchen sink, the one with the perfect view of Goat Island Light, the lighthouse that saved me from despair. heading home...to that little mustard colored house built piece by piece by the father of my babies and me. my home. my family. my love. 

and i breathe deeply at the thought of heading home. of all it means and what the past year and half has meant. sigh away, i must.

i broke off a hunk of that broad shoulder i've leaned on like it was a hunk of baguette and shoved it in my pocket in case i should need it. i left the rest there in cape porpoise. i have no need for that any more. 

as i see things, i'm okay. i'm reassured. there is love and light and color and happiness abounding. possibilities are endless. the boys are gleeful. i smile a lot. 

the few bits of tattered what if's that lingered in my mind and heart are being placed in a box...a heart shaped box and folded into a piece of art to be forever entombed.

nigh-night cape porpoise. i've loved you up and have had my sweet fill. <3  

i follow rivers

i grew up on a dead end that had a seductive gape of woods at it's mouth that taunted me as a child simultaneously with fear, adventure and curiosity.

Old Field Road in Southbury, Connecticut, humble in itself if it weren't for the rushing Pomperaug River nestled in a woodsy, leaf laden valley at the bottom of a steep, even more leafy, drop beyond the cul-de-sac.

as it would figure, as a child, i was forbidden to go to the river because my parents had a fear of my drowning in it. an unreasonable fear in my child's mind as my mother never learned to swim and couldn't possibly judge the actual danger properly. i could swim. i could leap from rock to rock, slide down leafy hills on both feet or my bottom if i had to. i was able. capable. sure footed. i wanted that river.

and as it would figure, that raging river became a place where i imagined everything unattainable was possible. i dreamed of high tailing it there whenever i wanted to escape the pain or boredom of my reality. it always played the setting for my dreams, tall stories and yarns...the stories i told my little brother and the neighborhood kids. it was a place of rainbows, cowboys, Indians and later...in my own private stories, love affairs.

it was the place i experienced many things. thrilling adventures with my little brother racing along the path worn by the water's edge when we dared sneak out of the fenced in yard (those were the days when kids were let out of the house  in the morning and whistled in for supper at dusk)...and later i remember skinny dipping with my teenage friends, an experience complete with my first awkward gropings that were far from pleasurable experiences.  and later, when i was in college after my family had already migrated to Maine, i would bring Dan there, the first boy to awaken me to life outside of the small world i had grown up in and the first to truly break my heart. i swam in it with him and made love to him in it. as if christiening  my "worldly" boyfriend from new jersey in it would be enough of a sacrifice to conquer it. nope.

as an adult, i am realizing there has always been something that's taken the Pomperaug's place, a forbidden, unconquerable, dangerous eden. a place i could be happy if only...some tangible happiness i've not allowed myself, or that i've imagined someone keeping is me from.

and as an adult, i'm also realizing that this yonder happiness just isn't cutting it for me any more. i am ready to realize it all in the here and now...that i am allowed to tread wherever i damn well please, dangerous or not. but that i would like it to be an honest experience...in a river that welcomes me openly...not in the shadow at a dead end.

resolutions 2011

vowing...
serenity
fruitful energy
creativity
FAMILY
love
organization
self respect
acceptance

on society

trying hard to stop the squirming that comes from watching my oldest child struggle to find where he "fits in"...it's like watching his unique, amazing light flicker in strong wind...and i just want to scream for him to not let that flame go out! i want him to remain true to himself...to not give in to conforming.

*sigh*
i am at a bit of a loss as to how to best support him, except in simply loving his guts and telling him he is perfect the way he is...even if he can't throw a football half way down the field like so-and-so can. i'd so much rather have my Boo than a tom brady. any day. <3

Sia - Breathe Me (KCRW 2007)

Iron & Wine - Sacred Vision

my lingerie chest gets a facelift

kind of wish i had a before shot...gold with bone drawer pulls. i love it. now to get trim on those walls!

:)

my baby is an imaginary gun slinging, emergency vehicle imitating, mama loving, fat, butter bean...and seriously, i cannot imagine that he will be a man someday. egad.

whoa.

so...Boo typed his spelling homework on my computer tonight. and left it on the screen for me to print tomorrow after i buy new ink.

i read it. a simple assignment using the words he is supposed to know in a sentence. they were all brilliant, but one struck me. punched me really. for the word "stern"... it is:

"My dad is really stern, but I think he knows that I know that he knows I am as sly as a fox and as quiet as a mouse but I know he is like a bull in a china shop."

and i cannot help but be in awe at the wisdom of this child...

yard scrapers (aka landscapers)

i went on a walk with my middle son, the apple-cheeked Bones on sunday and as we walked by our own house i commented that we need to get to work on our winter-hit yard. and he said..."it's no fair mommy...how come we have to do it? the neighbor has a yard scraper and we don't!!"

a yard scraper. i love it. bones is a subconsciously poetic genius. tomorrow is his student led, parent/teacher conference. i can't wait to hear the wonderful stuff he has to say.

i am one lucky mama.

way more fun than dying eggs, for sure. PeePSHi!!!

beautiful delicious forever poppies.

i happily got my poppy tattoo yesterday...over the old one as planned, but with a twist...chris thought it'd be cool to let the old one peek out just a little and i love the idea of it...it's like the old me sparked the growth of the new me...at the base of the poppies is this little tiny seedling that started it all. there is still an hour of color work left to be done to it...so know that when you look at the photos...but even as is, it is beautiful.

chris was a dream to get tattooed by. i was completely comfortable the whole time and he was gentle, if that can be said about a tattooer. it hurt, but was much different than past experiences.

his style is amazing...unique and he is incredibly intuitive about colors.

it was a great experience.

so, my act of self assertion, of being the boss of my life, my body, my spirit...my visual reminder that i am the hub of a family and to stay true to that self and my kids is set in ink. it was a highly symbolic act for me...and i am so happy about finally doing it. thank you, chris dingwell!!!!

my world...

this is in the deep chill of the winter...but a view of our desolate backyard without the old barn or the new dream of one. i am trying to will flourishing beauty and a safe place to play into my world...send barn energy this way. <3

weep

i cradle your giant head
like a milk-fat baby
as your juicy man tears plop
into the plush of my lap

long overdue, you blubber,
sputter and cough out a cry
and despite my resistance to you
it renders you beautiful

i...nk

i went to see a man about a wallaby today!

well, actually i visited chris dingwell about a tattoo. one that i have been destined to get for about 20 years. it is quite symbolic and had to happen right now...right this very minute!!! it is a commitment to myself and my children to be true to myself. it is a symbol of the love and nourishment i give off in this life. it is covering over the first tattoo that i ever got...bought for me by my high school boyfriend and will cover my ankle, the front of my leg and part of my foot. it feels like i am symbolically busting out of the tight skin of a bubble designed to restrain someone and bursting into my own true form. big, beautiful red poppies that symbolize happiness, nourishment, beauty, growth and an uncontainable, intoxicating life force. i can hardly wait. april 1st. it is the day.

chris is amazing. a sweet friend for many years...and one of the most dynamic and distinctive tattooers around. he and i have talked about this for a few years now...and i am finally putting my foot down and getting down to business. with all that has gone on in my life recently, i need to do something to symbolize my strength...my independence and my outlook on life. i really thought that my mama tattoo would come first... (Matt W! don't forget me!!) but i am still working on that one. certain issues are dictating that this happen now.

peek at the breathtaking work that he does from sanctuary tattoo in portland, maine. you'll be floored.

peace out.

mantra of the day

"i will not be a participant in my own diminishment."
said the orchid trying to eek out a life in siberia...

staying true to my my raucous lovey self

the sun shining through my kitchen windows illuminates the dust. it is symbolic. despite my crazed efforts to keep my world neat tidy and organized there is a layer of dust that has settled. i think instead of a vacuuming i need to take this world outside and give it a good shake.

the two big boys and i went to see Alice In Wonderland last night...in 3-d at imax. and it was like an amazing vacation. seriously. i left the theatre feeling like i had gone away. perhaps it was that i was without baby for over two hours...it's been ages since i've been away from him...but really i think it was the absolutely engulfing cinematography. it blew me away and sucked me in. <3

the story is what punched me in the face. i think sometimes i doubt myself...and take the path certain people around me expect me to take.

and i suppose that there is nothing really wrong with listening to others sometimes...however, my life, when i live it my way, is always a glorious burst of raucous flaming joyous love. and i love it that way. there are times that my pop gets dampened and i am not as me as i could be if i had just followed my own heart. in the words of the hatter, i lose my "muchness."

so lesson learned at big disney movie = follow my own heart and f@ck the naysayers and overbearing uninvited people trying to "guide" me. <3

and the biz card...

i just wanted to post the business card i whipped up for my friends...

poetry. kind of.

i have poetry in my blood. some unnamed great great uncle of mine was poet laureate of italy way back when...and i have always loved writing it. not that i am any good at it, it is more of a personal and therapeutic act than anything else. i do so love words.

my personal history with poetry is spotted...i wanted to major in it after getting a full scholarship for writing to Southern Connecticut State University, but my dad convinced me to major in something more practical, journalism. i listened to dad, unfortunately, but did finally take a poetry class in my junior or senior year at SCSU. it didn't go well.

i was asked to leave poetry 101 by the well known writer, my professor, Charles Fort. for vulgarity!!! hahaha! rebellious, in your face and overly ineloquent youth that i was...he asked us to write a poem about our most hated household chore and i wrote about cleaning a toilet that had been over exposed to men...yellow crust and short and curlies and whatnot. it was an effective, gag inducing poem. exactly how i feel when subjected to such ick. i also remember writing a poem about being five and helping my dad hang a deer he had shot in a tree...to drain the blood out of it before it was butchered. it was a bloody and graphic poem...but so was the experience. i was proud when an appalled freshman left the class in disgust. charles wasn't so impressed and viewed me as disruptive.

anyway...
i feel a wad of poetry gurgling in my throat...i think it's my way of purging the unspeakable...i plan on posting it here. i guess this is a warning. it's private...but not. and well...i just want anyone that checks this blog out to stand forewarned. i might get graphic...you never know.

<3