money.

sucks. i hate money.

but of course, i need money. just like everyone else.

i have begun to suspect that it was kind of ridiculous of me to have invested so much money into an education in art, expecting to get a financial return on it. student loans...investments in expensive computers, printers, a printing press of my own, inks, jewelry supplies, framing...good quality paper and clay and everything in between. it adds up so quickly. and here i am with a family...and debt. and i sense i am also left with a husband that doesn't see the value in that debt...there is part of him that clearly sees me as living in a dreamworld, and thus i am taking it upon myself to pay it off with money i earn using my artistry and all the other skills i've acquired along this journey of life.

the first step in this is to have weekly art auction from my facebook art page...you can click here to check it out. this way i will reduce my overzealously created inventory, reduce my debt a little bit and hopefully give me an excuse to use some of those supplies i've collected to make more things for the auctions!

i am also expecting to be putting together the cookbook i've done a little work on already for kate cheney chappell, and that will be income that i can hopefully dedicate solely to my amassed art education debt...

and now since the boys have returned to school and i am left with just the baby, i have been considering going back to doing a green cleaning job once a week, too...i actually love doing it. for the right person, who is someone that appreciates the holistic, stress-relieving quality in the work. i use essential oils and leave a persons home a sparkling haven that i know brings a sense of well-being to my customers. i had a green cleaning business that i gave up when i was pregnant with the baby...it was hard to stomach the cleaning, and to physically do it after a while, too. but now, well, now i'd take on one project a week in a second...especially if baby could come. my motor is ticking...

and lastly, i have been thinking of going back to work at night for one night a week. Street & Co...i do so miss it. the adult company, the great food, the inspiration of being around such talented cooks and frankly, just great people. plus it's easy and good money for a night of being a grown-up.

i think, if i did all of these things, or most of them, i should be able to have my debt significantly reduced within a year. and without the debt...won't i be able to create art feeling a little less guilt about the money i dump into it, especially if it's money over and above what it is our family needs??

sigh.

some of the best advice i ever got was to not give up my art to be a mother and a wife. anyone can go through the motions it takes to care for a family, to keep a house...but no one is going to influence my children and husband the way i can with my creative spirit allowed to shine...it is a gift only i can give them even if it means i need to work more to pay for it. i have to find a way to keep it in my world.

love will rule...some day. and i know my children will see that day.

my children have been so passionately fighting for equal rights this fall right along side of me.

they firmly believe, as do i, that all people deserve equal and fair dignified treatment. that if two people want to have a family together and be married that they have that right innately and that they shouldn't even need to ask anyone's permission.

but they did have to. and we went and voted and petitioned for equal rights for all. no to any form of discrimination we say.

we went to sleep with images of a more just and love-filled world in our heads only to wake up to find that the majority of people in our state voted away the rights of gays and lesbians to be married. the hate-filled, bigoted, ignorant, brain-washed and stupid sector of our voting population prevailed. and the world feels heavy and darker than before.

my heart sunk. a steady flow of tears came down my cheeks as i tried to birth a way of explaining how this happened to my children. i let them sleep late i thought for so long.

when i told them the news, that gays and lesbians are still being discriminated against and that we have yet to win the battle, they both cried. how could they not? and then a little while later, after it had sunk in, we sat down and talked about it.

Bones' reaction was, "why can't those people just live the way they want to live and let other people live how they want to live? it doesn't hurt them!!"

Boo's reaction was, "i still love maine...i love my state, but i am finding it hard to feel love for people that could be so unloving."

and they both have a point. then we talked about the origination of the fear and bigotry that most likely was the cause of this lack of enlightenment. and we decided that we were simply going to wish those people, that type of thought away. we aren't going to give it weight or a place in our lives. we all felt anger and sadness, but we still feel passionate about this cause and we will still fight for it. we will let our anger and sadness be fuel and we will continue the work of having our society be fair and just for ALL people.

crazy. it's just crazy.