ohhhhhh...shizzle and a purl stitch.

i have been in a real funk lately...feeling some hard times...hard lessons to learn. i suppose it's par for the course...we all have to grow and growth doesn't come without pain.

the good part about this experience is that i have looked inward a lot throughout the whole undermining mess, trying to figure out where the bad feelings, the insecurities, are coming from. and i have realized that i truly love myself...and my life. that i need to stop looking for love and acceptance and kindness from others...no matter who they are. i have come to really understand that to be happy, i need to find and hold dear the goodness i have within...the sweetness that comes from caring for myself and my family, appreciating the beauty in my life, from giving my all to meaningful work. i don't need to look outside of me. it's all right here. and it's protective like an armor. it doesn't matter what hurtful things people do or say with a strong heart. <3

luckily, when i look inward there is a bright light shining. i am happy. i am warm. i have enough love and light within myself to get me through any hard time. plus, i have the best friends anyone could ever wish for. no matter what fate has in store for me, i have the strength to handle it.

i do admit though...a new $210 avocado green, scoop neck, chunkily knit, knee length sweater dress that i found on the clearance rack for a mere 5 bucks at tj maxx didn't hurt either. it's beautiful. the knit is almost backward looking...like it was purled instead. i love it. it's clever and so well made. with leg warmers and knee high socks on, well...i am ruling my little kingdom quite happily. i just may borrow one of the kids' crowns from the dress-up box tonight.

note to self: ~must not forget that i am queen bee.

money.

sucks. i hate money.

but of course, i need money. just like everyone else.

i have begun to suspect that it was kind of ridiculous of me to have invested so much money into an education in art, expecting to get a financial return on it. student loans...investments in expensive computers, printers, a printing press of my own, inks, jewelry supplies, framing...good quality paper and clay and everything in between. it adds up so quickly. and here i am with a family...and debt. and i sense i am also left with a husband that doesn't see the value in that debt...there is part of him that clearly sees me as living in a dreamworld, and thus i am taking it upon myself to pay it off with money i earn using my artistry and all the other skills i've acquired along this journey of life.

the first step in this is to have weekly art auction from my facebook art page...you can click here to check it out. this way i will reduce my overzealously created inventory, reduce my debt a little bit and hopefully give me an excuse to use some of those supplies i've collected to make more things for the auctions!

i am also expecting to be putting together the cookbook i've done a little work on already for kate cheney chappell, and that will be income that i can hopefully dedicate solely to my amassed art education debt...

and now since the boys have returned to school and i am left with just the baby, i have been considering going back to doing a green cleaning job once a week, too...i actually love doing it. for the right person, who is someone that appreciates the holistic, stress-relieving quality in the work. i use essential oils and leave a persons home a sparkling haven that i know brings a sense of well-being to my customers. i had a green cleaning business that i gave up when i was pregnant with the baby...it was hard to stomach the cleaning, and to physically do it after a while, too. but now, well, now i'd take on one project a week in a second...especially if baby could come. my motor is ticking...

and lastly, i have been thinking of going back to work at night for one night a week. Street & Co...i do so miss it. the adult company, the great food, the inspiration of being around such talented cooks and frankly, just great people. plus it's easy and good money for a night of being a grown-up.

i think, if i did all of these things, or most of them, i should be able to have my debt significantly reduced within a year. and without the debt...won't i be able to create art feeling a little less guilt about the money i dump into it, especially if it's money over and above what it is our family needs??

sigh.

some of the best advice i ever got was to not give up my art to be a mother and a wife. anyone can go through the motions it takes to care for a family, to keep a house...but no one is going to influence my children and husband the way i can with my creative spirit allowed to shine...it is a gift only i can give them even if it means i need to work more to pay for it. i have to find a way to keep it in my world.

inner struggles

*big sigh*

as the new year approaches and i look back on this past year all i can do is sigh. i have loved every moment. but, nevertheless i am contemplating really significant changes for the times to come.

in september i began homeschooling my two older sons...and i have had the baby around us as well. a lot of people have asked me how i do it with all three of them and it isn't an easily answered question...i just do it. it takes some creativity and some self direction from the kids, but it works. and each one gets attention and love and has their needs met. not that it is always peaches and cream...

but, when i took on the endeavor of home schooling these sons of mine, things were a bit different. J was going to teach them to cook on saturday mornings so that i could have one morning a week to myself...he was going to be in charge of science...and yet it is now january and that has never even once happened. work is extremely busy for him, which is a blessing in itself...and it is where his priority lies. he is striving for success in his field. he works 90+ hours a week. i try to be supportive of his desire, but consequently i have not had a moment without children at my hem. literally. not. one. moment.

i am feeling burnt out. and i am feeling lost, my Self and my needs are getting lost in the mix. i hardly ever even have a chance to shower.

and on top of that i am disheartened by the curriculum we purchased to use for our schooling. it is rigid, archaic and its chosen literature is the first i have ever heard my children call "boring." wth all the great literature out there for children it is so sad to see the lame stuff they've picked. in essence, the curriculum sucks...and we follow the motions of it with less than half a heart. i feel like i am doing my children an educational disservice using this boring non-progressive curriculum. i want more for them...which is why i chose to homeschool them in the first place. i have added my own pieces to our education, like herbology and japanese, but it isn't like i know all about child development and what they should be optimally learning when. i don't feel confident enough to create my own curriculum, nor do i think my husband would support that...homeschooling has turned into a lonely experience and i can see it will just get more so as the winter progresses...

and for other personal reasons, too...i feel saddled by certain aspects of this endeavor...saddled in a way that makes me feel like i have no control or freedom and i do not like it. i have three children on me all the time and i sometimes need to be able to just pick up and do something (and i'm not talking about fun things, but necessary thing)...a luxury i don't have right now.

*big sigh*

so i am strongly contemplating sending my boys back to public school...and trying to look at it in a positive light not as a failure...i am not a monk. i am not wholly selfless...and that is part of my sparkle. i, as a person, add to my family's light and beauty by being me..and i must take care of myself to be the best me for them...for us all.

big thoughts...big thoughts...

Powwow

this monday began quite turmoiled. it felt like the sour taste one has in the mouth after vomiting. seriously it was rough.

J was home sick all weekend. sick to the point where he couldn't hold baby D or be too close with the kids so that he didn't get them sick. and of course they wanted to be near him so badly it hurt them. his being home, in essence, it felt more like having an extra child.

though i love being around my husband, this weekend was exhausting. especially after the long week i had had with new work, sending my jewelry off to a new shop for consigning, homeschool, and my general mommy duty stuff...oh boy...and of course the kids were sure to use poor behavior that was not normal to them, and well, to sum things up, i felt as though i am a very unsuccessful mother for sure.

this morning, monday, was no different...J was home and i began school only to have the boys completely not listen to me and putting up a fight over everything i was asking them to do. J just kept looking at me and trying to tell me how to handle it, but to me it just sounded like, "this is what you are doing wrong, pam...this is your fault because, pam"...and i nearly broke down in a fit of tears that in other times of my life would have put me out of commission for a good day or two.

i felt as though my efforts were in vain, like a horrible tired wreck of a woman with no more strength to muster. i don't get a break from my kids these days, ever. and well...i woke up from a longnight's sleep feeling completely exhausted the moment one of my sons opened his mouth.

but i am a mom. and there is no room for break-downs, melt downs, tantrums, tears, or being tired.

instead i pulled myself together, i forced myself to ignore the feeling of wanting to crumble and sat the kids down with me as their dad left for work. we had a Powwow. we gathered our strength.

we sat down cross-legged and talked to each other about the issues we have with each other, areas we need to improve on, like i need to be more patient and more kind when things go wrong...and Boo needs to be more vocal about things when he is asked questions and more present, more focused, less distracted...Bones needs to be more positive and do his work with less of a negative grudge and not create distractions. we also talked about our many strengths and the things we love about homeschooling and why we want to work on the things getting in the way of it. we want to homeschool, all three of us. we want it work we are willing to work on ourselves to make it work...and well, we left our little powwow feeling empowered.

thankfully.

it is a huge and wonderful task to school my children...but i do need to insert a place for myself to be able to breathe. i need a few moments a week to myself. and the plan had been for J to have the kids for cooking classes on saturday mornings so that i could kickbox and get out my stress and steam, but that isn't working. i need to find another way. sigh. this is a big task in itself.

xo

work stuff.

work stuff.. ha! that sounds like such a droll boring statement. but really when i entitled this blog post i was writing those words with more than a glint of excitement. WORK STUFF! YAY!

i have work brewing. work for this wonderful local artist/entrepreneur designing and putting together a cookbook which is also a family history...i met with her today. hearing about her project today has gotten me so excited to do the work. and the idea of making my own money, money that is per hour and not per chance like selling artwork, well...the crescendo of this coming my way is simply stifling...i don't want to breathe until it is in the works.

but i am breathing. and happily i have run into another fortunate outlet for my artwork, at least for my jewelry. Beth Fowler is opening up an amazing little eclectic marketplace in connecticut called Loam and has asked me to put some of my work in her shop. it is perfect for this to happen right now. it takes a lot of energy to sell my work...and if she is doing it, well, i can concentrate on creating and working on this book.

and mostly, being able to work from home on both my own art and this book i get to concentrate on my kids and their schooling, which is going so well. i have learned that lots of kisses and eye gazing helps me to get them feeling focused and feel appreciated. i love my kids so much. they are amazing, try so hard and they love me.

i have to add that i love being an at-home mom. so much. i am so thankful to J for working so hard so that i can be there consistently for Boo, Bones and Baby D...but there is also something to be said for earning a bit of one's own money. 'nuff said on the subject.

xo