dia de los muertos...

the beginning of our little project to honor the dead...

Powwow

this monday began quite turmoiled. it felt like the sour taste one has in the mouth after vomiting. seriously it was rough.

J was home sick all weekend. sick to the point where he couldn't hold baby D or be too close with the kids so that he didn't get them sick. and of course they wanted to be near him so badly it hurt them. his being home, in essence, it felt more like having an extra child.

though i love being around my husband, this weekend was exhausting. especially after the long week i had had with new work, sending my jewelry off to a new shop for consigning, homeschool, and my general mommy duty stuff...oh boy...and of course the kids were sure to use poor behavior that was not normal to them, and well, to sum things up, i felt as though i am a very unsuccessful mother for sure.

this morning, monday, was no different...J was home and i began school only to have the boys completely not listen to me and putting up a fight over everything i was asking them to do. J just kept looking at me and trying to tell me how to handle it, but to me it just sounded like, "this is what you are doing wrong, pam...this is your fault because, pam"...and i nearly broke down in a fit of tears that in other times of my life would have put me out of commission for a good day or two.

i felt as though my efforts were in vain, like a horrible tired wreck of a woman with no more strength to muster. i don't get a break from my kids these days, ever. and well...i woke up from a longnight's sleep feeling completely exhausted the moment one of my sons opened his mouth.

but i am a mom. and there is no room for break-downs, melt downs, tantrums, tears, or being tired.

instead i pulled myself together, i forced myself to ignore the feeling of wanting to crumble and sat the kids down with me as their dad left for work. we had a Powwow. we gathered our strength.

we sat down cross-legged and talked to each other about the issues we have with each other, areas we need to improve on, like i need to be more patient and more kind when things go wrong...and Boo needs to be more vocal about things when he is asked questions and more present, more focused, less distracted...Bones needs to be more positive and do his work with less of a negative grudge and not create distractions. we also talked about our many strengths and the things we love about homeschooling and why we want to work on the things getting in the way of it. we want to homeschool, all three of us. we want it work we are willing to work on ourselves to make it work...and well, we left our little powwow feeling empowered.

thankfully.

it is a huge and wonderful task to school my children...but i do need to insert a place for myself to be able to breathe. i need a few moments a week to myself. and the plan had been for J to have the kids for cooking classes on saturday mornings so that i could kickbox and get out my stress and steam, but that isn't working. i need to find another way. sigh. this is a big task in itself.

xo

common ground

so...of all the autumn fairs in maine, i have to say i love common ground the best. Boo describes it best when he says, "it isn't all about getting our money." :) it is a fair that feels like old times, without rides or loud blaring pop music, though there are two stages with great live music and everything is based on organic farming and living harmoniously with the earth. tens of thousands of people come together to celebrate living simpler and i think it one of our favorite things to do all year.

the kids favorite part of the fair is such a simple pleasure, it is hard to really translate the oodles of fun they have...sliding down a dusty hill on waxed boxes. they do it every year and would spend hours upon hours doing it were they not given limits!

really it is a beautiful thing when kids, TONS OF THEM, are entertained without anyone having spent a cent...no Zipper, or Arctic Coaster that zooms through the air with loud rock music blasting...it is simple, pure, fun. and i guarantee it will be what they remember...not the rides at other fairs. :)

i love maine.

now, if only the stupid, graphic pro-lifers that stand with their nasty posters of dead babies outside the gate of common ground would realize they do more harm than any good for their cause then we would have the perfect fair. :)

autumnal goods

i finished ginging's fall sweater jacket today...i had to show it off...i just love it so much. well, him in it sooo much i should say. i made the pattern up...it was my first hood. i think the bumps are kind of charming. only problem is the two older, much larger brothers want them now, too. looks like handworks are in order for homeschooling! they can make their own. with all i have to do i'd be done in the summer!

a little shrine for mama...

i just wanted to share the sweet little thing that Little J and R did for me...right in front of the place i do dishes, i have my speakers and a beautiful antiqued buddha staring me in the face. the boys decided to decorate my little space as a surprise for me...and it has been nothing but pleasure doing the dishes since. so sweet...so nicely arranged! notice the little vine rainbow in front...R's touch. i love my boys.

Honest Pretzels

for the past couple of weeks we've had a daily guest, my niece, M. it's been a lot of fun having her everyday when her mom shoves off to work. an added element of zip and zest.

she is here today and forgot her bathing suit! egad... :) so i am trying to plan something fun for us to do to pass the time. we went bike riding yesterday...so today i thought perhaps we'd bake something yummy and eat it out in our little teahouse in the backyard. have a boy-friendly teaparty. lately i have been feeling like i need to instill some more chivalry in my sons anyway. they have been kind of anti-girl. and that is just not okay. :)

so i plan on searching through one of my favorite kid friendly cookbooks Honest Pretzels...and cooking away with three kids. but first i need to do the dishes from last nights' supper (i stayed up late being an artist and posting new work online and sacrificed a clean kitchen to do it, but i didn't even get it all up yet!!!...no rest for the motivated. you can check out the fruits of my labor at www.tangiblesbysf.etsy.com or in person at PICNIC the craft fair i am gearing up for in September.).

Honest Pretzels...here we come!!!!!

yoga...with the kids and all...

we do yoga.

we LOVE yoga.

i do yoga most days, my own little practice. i don't have the time alone without kids, or the funds to actually take steady classes with someone at the present time. and anyway, i find myself feeling pretty satisfied with my peaceful time on my own in the mornings before the kids get up, or in the evening when everyone has quieted down. i would love to take a class...but i actually really like leading others in yoga. so when the kids join in my sessions i am the happiest.

because we will have such a structured first part of every day once our schooling adventure begins, i have decided that i am incorporating yoga into our routine. J. has asked that i make it happen early early in the day so that he can be a part of it, too. i love that. family yoga every single morning first thing. and then breakfast together...what a way to start the day and feel connected as a family and grounded as an individual.

out on a date with the boys last week, i found "Yoga Pretzels." and i bought it. :)

it's a card game similar to "Dinner Games" which my children already love. we've played a few times, and it's fun, practical and gives everyone a chance to lead the little group's yoga session...i plan on using it along with my own favorite poses to fill the little 45 minute morning sessions.

facing our demons...the real life kind.

my kids love karate...
in our little maine town however, there isn't much in the way of good martial arts schools. two and a half years ago the boys began taking karate at a school that was 40 minutes north of us, twice a week...and the grand tally for classes was just under $200 per month. ouch.
to us, in this economy, that's a big expense. plus the gas and the time spent antsy in the car right after school...
there is a place in our town that has reasonably priced, supposedly really good karate classess for kids aged 7 and up. in the past we haven't been able to take them because my middle son wasn't 7 until this past june...but now he is...and the cost would only be about 35 a month...total...and they are only about a mile and a half away.
the one major issue is that back then, when my oldest son was 5 and 6 we had a crisis involving this very disturbed child who was 10 at the time...he targeted my oldest son and bullied him, cruelly. (it's a long, long story that i get vehemently angry when telling involving a way too idealistic, parent run school and an abused kid without supervision...just glad i trusted my gut on the issue is all i have to say). we have avoided this twisted child and his dark family for years.
but now as we find ourselves yearning for martial arts again, with funds, gas and other things in mind, that in-town class seems really appealing. and i have a hunch this bully is still in the class...one more year.
i have been mulling it over and over. my kids have grown tremendously in the past few years. they have developed into responsible people who call it like they see it...they stand for no injustice done to anyone, or anything...and i have to trust that they can handle themselves in a karate class with this...this...other child. that they will not let each other take abuse. of course, i will be there to oversee things, but being in the same room with this older kid is a big deal for us...
point...i think we are ready as a little collective to take on our past demons. to face him. and do it with our heads held high.

i can't deny it gives me a twinge in my belly, though.