inner struggles

*big sigh*

as the new year approaches and i look back on this past year all i can do is sigh. i have loved every moment. but, nevertheless i am contemplating really significant changes for the times to come.

in september i began homeschooling my two older sons...and i have had the baby around us as well. a lot of people have asked me how i do it with all three of them and it isn't an easily answered question...i just do it. it takes some creativity and some self direction from the kids, but it works. and each one gets attention and love and has their needs met. not that it is always peaches and cream...

but, when i took on the endeavor of home schooling these sons of mine, things were a bit different. J was going to teach them to cook on saturday mornings so that i could have one morning a week to myself...he was going to be in charge of science...and yet it is now january and that has never even once happened. work is extremely busy for him, which is a blessing in itself...and it is where his priority lies. he is striving for success in his field. he works 90+ hours a week. i try to be supportive of his desire, but consequently i have not had a moment without children at my hem. literally. not. one. moment.

i am feeling burnt out. and i am feeling lost, my Self and my needs are getting lost in the mix. i hardly ever even have a chance to shower.

and on top of that i am disheartened by the curriculum we purchased to use for our schooling. it is rigid, archaic and its chosen literature is the first i have ever heard my children call "boring." wth all the great literature out there for children it is so sad to see the lame stuff they've picked. in essence, the curriculum sucks...and we follow the motions of it with less than half a heart. i feel like i am doing my children an educational disservice using this boring non-progressive curriculum. i want more for them...which is why i chose to homeschool them in the first place. i have added my own pieces to our education, like herbology and japanese, but it isn't like i know all about child development and what they should be optimally learning when. i don't feel confident enough to create my own curriculum, nor do i think my husband would support that...homeschooling has turned into a lonely experience and i can see it will just get more so as the winter progresses...

and for other personal reasons, too...i feel saddled by certain aspects of this endeavor...saddled in a way that makes me feel like i have no control or freedom and i do not like it. i have three children on me all the time and i sometimes need to be able to just pick up and do something (and i'm not talking about fun things, but necessary thing)...a luxury i don't have right now.

*big sigh*

so i am strongly contemplating sending my boys back to public school...and trying to look at it in a positive light not as a failure...i am not a monk. i am not wholly selfless...and that is part of my sparkle. i, as a person, add to my family's light and beauty by being me..and i must take care of myself to be the best me for them...for us all.

big thoughts...big thoughts...