i...nk

i went to see a man about a wallaby today!

well, actually i visited chris dingwell about a tattoo. one that i have been destined to get for about 20 years. it is quite symbolic and had to happen right now...right this very minute!!! it is a commitment to myself and my children to be true to myself. it is a symbol of the love and nourishment i give off in this life. it is covering over the first tattoo that i ever got...bought for me by my high school boyfriend and will cover my ankle, the front of my leg and part of my foot. it feels like i am symbolically busting out of the tight skin of a bubble designed to restrain someone and bursting into my own true form. big, beautiful red poppies that symbolize happiness, nourishment, beauty, growth and an uncontainable, intoxicating life force. i can hardly wait. april 1st. it is the day.

chris is amazing. a sweet friend for many years...and one of the most dynamic and distinctive tattooers around. he and i have talked about this for a few years now...and i am finally putting my foot down and getting down to business. with all that has gone on in my life recently, i need to do something to symbolize my strength...my independence and my outlook on life. i really thought that my mama tattoo would come first... (Matt W! don't forget me!!) but i am still working on that one. certain issues are dictating that this happen now.

peek at the breathtaking work that he does from sanctuary tattoo in portland, maine. you'll be floored.

peace out.

mantra of the day

"i will not be a participant in my own diminishment."
said the orchid trying to eek out a life in siberia...

staying true to my my raucous lovey self

the sun shining through my kitchen windows illuminates the dust. it is symbolic. despite my crazed efforts to keep my world neat tidy and organized there is a layer of dust that has settled. i think instead of a vacuuming i need to take this world outside and give it a good shake.

the two big boys and i went to see Alice In Wonderland last night...in 3-d at imax. and it was like an amazing vacation. seriously. i left the theatre feeling like i had gone away. perhaps it was that i was without baby for over two hours...it's been ages since i've been away from him...but really i think it was the absolutely engulfing cinematography. it blew me away and sucked me in. <3

the story is what punched me in the face. i think sometimes i doubt myself...and take the path certain people around me expect me to take.

and i suppose that there is nothing really wrong with listening to others sometimes...however, my life, when i live it my way, is always a glorious burst of raucous flaming joyous love. and i love it that way. there are times that my pop gets dampened and i am not as me as i could be if i had just followed my own heart. in the words of the hatter, i lose my "muchness."

so lesson learned at big disney movie = follow my own heart and f@ck the naysayers and overbearing uninvited people trying to "guide" me. <3

and the biz card...

i just wanted to post the business card i whipped up for my friends...

poetry. kind of.

i have poetry in my blood. some unnamed great great uncle of mine was poet laureate of italy way back when...and i have always loved writing it. not that i am any good at it, it is more of a personal and therapeutic act than anything else. i do so love words.

my personal history with poetry is spotted...i wanted to major in it after getting a full scholarship for writing to Southern Connecticut State University, but my dad convinced me to major in something more practical, journalism. i listened to dad, unfortunately, but did finally take a poetry class in my junior or senior year at SCSU. it didn't go well.

i was asked to leave poetry 101 by the well known writer, my professor, Charles Fort. for vulgarity!!! hahaha! rebellious, in your face and overly ineloquent youth that i was...he asked us to write a poem about our most hated household chore and i wrote about cleaning a toilet that had been over exposed to men...yellow crust and short and curlies and whatnot. it was an effective, gag inducing poem. exactly how i feel when subjected to such ick. i also remember writing a poem about being five and helping my dad hang a deer he had shot in a tree...to drain the blood out of it before it was butchered. it was a bloody and graphic poem...but so was the experience. i was proud when an appalled freshman left the class in disgust. charles wasn't so impressed and viewed me as disruptive.

anyway...
i feel a wad of poetry gurgling in my throat...i think it's my way of purging the unspeakable...i plan on posting it here. i guess this is a warning. it's private...but not. and well...i just want anyone that checks this blog out to stand forewarned. i might get graphic...you never know.

<3

pushing the mirk aside

i'm sitting around after a long day...sipping a big glass of french red and waiting for some valerian root to kick in. i strained my back today and can hardly move! it figures baby D is cutting molars and is extra needy and that little J is home sick with a sore throat...i cannot even lift the baby it hurts so much!

but i did get a lot of work accomplished despite the doctor's appointment, the incessant rain and the back-wack. yay for me.

i did a little graphics job for a new furniture company in maine called American Doll Furniture. they make lovely furniture in a neat little wood shop down in north berwick, maine. i finished a little stamp that goes on the bottom of each of their pieces...and i have business cards, a letterhead and a pamphlet displaying their work in the works, too. yay!



i also worked on some of the overall design plan for Kate's cookbook. i got myself so excited about it...i want to pass it by her before i get set on working it the way i have in my mind...but i think she is going to love it. the main theme is that the cookbook, the recipes, drawings, stories are personal and i have a plan that will make them FEEL personal and special and handpicked by Kate. in my humble opinion it is her that makes this book so special...she's amazing, funny, creative and that is what has to shine through.

ahhhhhhh...my back is starting to loosen up a little.

it is a good to dive into work instead of swimming around in one's own mirk. i happily pushed a lot of shit in my head aside today to get stuff accomplished and i am so proud of myself.

peace...

ohhhhhh...shizzle and a purl stitch.

i have been in a real funk lately...feeling some hard times...hard lessons to learn. i suppose it's par for the course...we all have to grow and growth doesn't come without pain.

the good part about this experience is that i have looked inward a lot throughout the whole undermining mess, trying to figure out where the bad feelings, the insecurities, are coming from. and i have realized that i truly love myself...and my life. that i need to stop looking for love and acceptance and kindness from others...no matter who they are. i have come to really understand that to be happy, i need to find and hold dear the goodness i have within...the sweetness that comes from caring for myself and my family, appreciating the beauty in my life, from giving my all to meaningful work. i don't need to look outside of me. it's all right here. and it's protective like an armor. it doesn't matter what hurtful things people do or say with a strong heart. <3

luckily, when i look inward there is a bright light shining. i am happy. i am warm. i have enough love and light within myself to get me through any hard time. plus, i have the best friends anyone could ever wish for. no matter what fate has in store for me, i have the strength to handle it.

i do admit though...a new $210 avocado green, scoop neck, chunkily knit, knee length sweater dress that i found on the clearance rack for a mere 5 bucks at tj maxx didn't hurt either. it's beautiful. the knit is almost backward looking...like it was purled instead. i love it. it's clever and so well made. with leg warmers and knee high socks on, well...i am ruling my little kingdom quite happily. i just may borrow one of the kids' crowns from the dress-up box tonight.

note to self: ~must not forget that i am queen bee.