last winter kicked our butts...the recession took it's toll on our family business, but with luck, the tightening of our belts and endurance we did make it through and now the business appears to be stronger and healthier than ever...like after a good fast, the body is able to do more and be healthier. it burns away anything that was holding it back.
we have someone new in the office...it is actually a relief to me. i did like helping my husband, j...but i did not love that work and the ever present need to get to the office everyday made each day soooo stressful on top of all the other things i have to do...raising three children with a husband who is married also to his business is no piece of cake. something had to give... i realized this one day when all of the kids were in the office with me and j came in and said..."we need a babysitter!" and i replied, "no honey, we need a bookkeeper." it's that simple. i want to raise my own kids.
back to the business end...it's not quite august yet, but the winter approaching is a bit daunting already. i cannot imagine having to endure another like last year...and i guess what i am trying to find a way to do here, is still have the grace-filled family oriented life i so desire, with art, homeschooling and time to cook every single day, but also have the opportunity and ability and time to earn money of my own to ease the fears in my mind...
basically, home schooling our two older sons is something i cannot bare to give up on. also, my art work...this is something i can't physically stop doing. i have been known to sneak it into my days...i am afraid to even write this, but it actually appears to be taking off. i have numerous sales on my little etsy sites every week...and i have two craft fairs that i am planning on doing this year, one in september and one in march, so i do need to keep producing. and now that the bookkeeping is out of the way, i should have plenty of time to do these things, art and homeschooling and taking care of my family and cooking yummy food and all of those other domestic things i do...BUT...
i have a job prospect.
one that is almost too good to pass up.
i mention it in my last blog entry...a book, putting material together and doing the design and layout work for a fellow, well known artist whom i totally admire. actually i love her work, both her artwork and life work. Kate. it would be a great contact, a great opportunity and on top of that i can work from home...and this could be the insurance we need that we won't become one of the people to go under in these awful economic times if something (or nothing as the case may be) were to happen again with our construction biz...
i have a meeting scheduled to discuss the book with her in september, right after the first craft fair...
i suppose with that fair out of the way, i will be able to breathe for a little while on the art front and work on kate's project...with the boys' schooling taking up three to three to half hours in the morning, plus extra-curricular stuff and field excursions...i could always reserve three hours from 8:30 to 11:30 in the evenings daily to work on the book and squeeze in more if need be. i'm a night owl anyway and do my best work in the dark hours...sigh.
i just wouldn't want the new project to consume all that i love and undermine what i am trying to accomplish through simplifying...we already have one parent in this household consumed by work and business...we don't need another. i keep asking myself...is there a way to balance all of this???? can i give my children the education they deserve, take care of my family, create art, and have a job where someone is depending on me from the outside????
and scribbling hours and schedules down on paper is not the answer...i think perhaps diving in may be.
o, thoughts to ponder.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
balancing roles and goals. beyond a mere variable...
i have had wads of crumpled up pieces of paper around me all day today as i calculate and weigh and try to balance the life that lays ahead of me and my family...but i think there are too many variables for me to capture it. it isn't like doing the books, where things are calculable and usually balance out in the end, or they just don't balance out and thus we need more money. this has to do with time...with love...with values...with priority...with the gifts and curses that have been bestowed on my life. things things are hard to weigh balance and calculate. they are immeasurable. they are beyond a mere variable.
i have been offered a job. one that is from a source other than my husband, who has been my employer, desite the difficulty of he and i working together, for almost two straight years. best of all it is a creative job for someone i admire. the creation and design of a book. a creative cookbook which incorporates the poetry and art of the person's family mingled with the recipes that have been passed down through generations...a family history through the exploration of the family's creations.
and i can work from home. i have everything i need to do it. everything, that is, except a clear slot of time daily...
i am planning to home school my children...the two older ones. it will take up about 4 hours of my day. and then some extra curricular stuff. i am trying to scrounge 5 hours a day to work...but it isn't easy as a mom and wife...sharing a world with a dad/husband that works 80+ hours a week running and nurturing a construction company. i do all the house stuff pretty much alone as it is. right now i work about 3-4 hours a day for him doing the accounting. but i loathe it. i am constantly thinking of what there is to eat when i do that work...when i am creating and making art or writing i forget that i need food. it is who i am. it is what i should be doing...and we have already planned to fill my job with a new person...when we find someone.
but there is something within me that tells me i should be a mom and that that should be enough. our school system here on the craggy coast of maine where i live is great as far as public school goes. but the budget isn't allowing for special programs...things for kids who need extra help are getting cut and things for kids needing more challenges are also getting cut. i have one of each type of kid. there are 21-24 kids per teacher without aids...and well, i know i can do a better job than the teachers can with that many students. neither of my kids felt successful this year and they are both good kids, with talents and brains and wits. the teachers are so overwhelmed, in my opinion, that they cannot individualize the education. and i suppose they aren't supposed to.
i want to teach my kids. and i want five hours to do some work to make some $$ of my own and gain some new experience. i am thinking i will have to take a break from creating my own art to do this book, which has been estimated at taking about a year to complete...i won't take the metal class i had planned on squeezing in even in order to focus more clearing on it.
i am just trying to find the time to work amongst all of the things i will need to do as a homeschooling parent/wife/homemaker. a homeschooling parent that can't rely on the other parent to take over...is there a way to balance schooling my kids, and fulfilling my needs as a creative person, as well as making some money of my own? i mean, i make art now, but i literally need to steal the time to make art. this will be someone else's art, but it will be an actual income. one that i can count on and calculate. art sales are few and far between...i could feasibly pay off a lot of my student debt and art material debt that i've collected over the years. if i focus. it would relieve so much stress on me.
but will there be a yummy home cooked meal on the table like there is now? will i get the stupid laundry and dishes done? will i focus on my kids enough? when will i find the time to do everything i need to do? i can't chart it on paper. i don't know what the f'n'a to do.
sigh.
i have been offered a job. one that is from a source other than my husband, who has been my employer, desite the difficulty of he and i working together, for almost two straight years. best of all it is a creative job for someone i admire. the creation and design of a book. a creative cookbook which incorporates the poetry and art of the person's family mingled with the recipes that have been passed down through generations...a family history through the exploration of the family's creations.
and i can work from home. i have everything i need to do it. everything, that is, except a clear slot of time daily...
i am planning to home school my children...the two older ones. it will take up about 4 hours of my day. and then some extra curricular stuff. i am trying to scrounge 5 hours a day to work...but it isn't easy as a mom and wife...sharing a world with a dad/husband that works 80+ hours a week running and nurturing a construction company. i do all the house stuff pretty much alone as it is. right now i work about 3-4 hours a day for him doing the accounting. but i loathe it. i am constantly thinking of what there is to eat when i do that work...when i am creating and making art or writing i forget that i need food. it is who i am. it is what i should be doing...and we have already planned to fill my job with a new person...when we find someone.
but there is something within me that tells me i should be a mom and that that should be enough. our school system here on the craggy coast of maine where i live is great as far as public school goes. but the budget isn't allowing for special programs...things for kids who need extra help are getting cut and things for kids needing more challenges are also getting cut. i have one of each type of kid. there are 21-24 kids per teacher without aids...and well, i know i can do a better job than the teachers can with that many students. neither of my kids felt successful this year and they are both good kids, with talents and brains and wits. the teachers are so overwhelmed, in my opinion, that they cannot individualize the education. and i suppose they aren't supposed to.
i want to teach my kids. and i want five hours to do some work to make some $$ of my own and gain some new experience. i am thinking i will have to take a break from creating my own art to do this book, which has been estimated at taking about a year to complete...i won't take the metal class i had planned on squeezing in even in order to focus more clearing on it.
i am just trying to find the time to work amongst all of the things i will need to do as a homeschooling parent/wife/homemaker. a homeschooling parent that can't rely on the other parent to take over...is there a way to balance schooling my kids, and fulfilling my needs as a creative person, as well as making some money of my own? i mean, i make art now, but i literally need to steal the time to make art. this will be someone else's art, but it will be an actual income. one that i can count on and calculate. art sales are few and far between...i could feasibly pay off a lot of my student debt and art material debt that i've collected over the years. if i focus. it would relieve so much stress on me.
but will there be a yummy home cooked meal on the table like there is now? will i get the stupid laundry and dishes done? will i focus on my kids enough? when will i find the time to do everything i need to do? i can't chart it on paper. i don't know what the f'n'a to do.
sigh.
Monday, June 15, 2009
a few thought on thighs.
yes, thighs.
i admit it. i have cellulite. i kickbox like mohammad ali (in my own mind) and i do yoga and can fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, but i have an asston of cellulite and funky veins on the backs of my legs. they are not pretty. well, at least what mainstream media and the society affected by it would consider pretty.
one of my kids teachers is having a pool party to end the school year this week. i just was part of an email with a few of the moms from the class...moms who i admire and think of as being healthily involved in their children's lives. but, they were talking about not swimming at the party because of what they look like in bathing suits! my jaw hit the floor. i just have to write on this because it is way too early in the morning to be brewing up such feminist irk inside without an outlet for it.
our children will never remember the cellulite or the veins on our legs when they are grown up. they will not be disturbed by it. what they will remember is us hopping in the pool unabashed to play marco polo, or to be in the shallow end starting a game with the Not-So Good swimmers who may be feeling intimidated by the kids that swan dive. or they'll remember us hopping in to give a little pointer or two to teach them to swim better. that's a good memory...one that is a shame to throw away just to bolster a meaningless insecurity in ourselves.
if we get out there, feeling like we have the right to be, no matter what we may look like in a bathing suit, our children will be way less likely to question their own looks when they go to put on a swimsuit. way more likely to feel entitled to live happily and love their bodies. hell, when they're older with their own children, they'll be more likely to be an active participant in their children's lives rather than sitting on the sidelines because they have a chubby belly or orange peel textured thighs.
isn't this how our daughters have developed these hyper-exaggerated needs to look like super models all the bloody time? isn't it part of why they are not happy with their bodies? because we model that for them with our own insecurities? isn't it time we decided to throw all that beauty-biz hogwash away and realize that we have as much right to live life to the fullest no matter what we look like??? isn't it time we learn that life is too short to not love ourselves?
enough ranting. love yourself. and those around you will learn from it.
peace.
i admit it. i have cellulite. i kickbox like mohammad ali (in my own mind) and i do yoga and can fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes, but i have an asston of cellulite and funky veins on the backs of my legs. they are not pretty. well, at least what mainstream media and the society affected by it would consider pretty.
one of my kids teachers is having a pool party to end the school year this week. i just was part of an email with a few of the moms from the class...moms who i admire and think of as being healthily involved in their children's lives. but, they were talking about not swimming at the party because of what they look like in bathing suits! my jaw hit the floor. i just have to write on this because it is way too early in the morning to be brewing up such feminist irk inside without an outlet for it.
our children will never remember the cellulite or the veins on our legs when they are grown up. they will not be disturbed by it. what they will remember is us hopping in the pool unabashed to play marco polo, or to be in the shallow end starting a game with the Not-So Good swimmers who may be feeling intimidated by the kids that swan dive. or they'll remember us hopping in to give a little pointer or two to teach them to swim better. that's a good memory...one that is a shame to throw away just to bolster a meaningless insecurity in ourselves.
if we get out there, feeling like we have the right to be, no matter what we may look like in a bathing suit, our children will be way less likely to question their own looks when they go to put on a swimsuit. way more likely to feel entitled to live happily and love their bodies. hell, when they're older with their own children, they'll be more likely to be an active participant in their children's lives rather than sitting on the sidelines because they have a chubby belly or orange peel textured thighs.
isn't this how our daughters have developed these hyper-exaggerated needs to look like super models all the bloody time? isn't it part of why they are not happy with their bodies? because we model that for them with our own insecurities? isn't it time we decided to throw all that beauty-biz hogwash away and realize that we have as much right to live life to the fullest no matter what we look like??? isn't it time we learn that life is too short to not love ourselves?
enough ranting. love yourself. and those around you will learn from it.
peace.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
oh, issues.
sometimes it is so hard to to see straight when there is a problem with my kids...they make a bad choice or two and otherwise steady adults are swaying back and forth trying to determine what to say and how to aproach the situation.
this is when i used to find myself opening up about situations really helps find a good solution. in my own life that is. it is why when i was younger people found it hard to gossip about me...i was always doing it about myself. :) but do i really want to put my children's issues out in the world for all to see? not so sure about that one. i guess that's what close knit networks of unconditional friendship is for.
peace.
this is when i used to find myself opening up about situations really helps find a good solution. in my own life that is. it is why when i was younger people found it hard to gossip about me...i was always doing it about myself. :) but do i really want to put my children's issues out in the world for all to see? not so sure about that one. i guess that's what close knit networks of unconditional friendship is for.
peace.
i've been finding it hard to come up with something to write about...a problem i don't encounter too often. i think it is because my husband and i had a conversation about blogs...the internet and how odd it is truly is to put words out into the universe not knowing where they are going, who they are going to hit and how they may come back at you.
well, since the third grade i have kept a journal. i'd write in it to clear my head, make sense of my thoughts and well...i find it natural to put my thoughts down in words...i'll just try to keep it a bit anonymous. (yea right.:))
well, since the third grade i have kept a journal. i'd write in it to clear my head, make sense of my thoughts and well...i find it natural to put my thoughts down in words...i'll just try to keep it a bit anonymous. (yea right.:))
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
a deep breath QUICK! only five minutes to write!
when i think of how to describe the worldview from which i come, i don't even know where to begin. eclectic? i suppose. i'm a working artist, longing in the back of my mind to continue on to get my master's in art therapy. i'm the bookkeeper for my husband's construction firm. i'm a wife. a passionate homemaker. i practice yoga alone almost daily. i live to kickbox. i am a total foody and cook for my family with complete abandon. i love handmade things. and most importantly, i'm a mom. and i love my kids. every ounce of their guts. in fact, my world is happily centered around them.
like i believe most parents do, i want the best for my kids. this can mean something different to each person that you ask...but to me it means that i strive to create an affirmative, wholesome, healthy and balanced life for my children to thrive in. a life they can be free to be themselves in. one where mistakes are okay...learning their own way and being different are okay...actually beyond okay, where these things are welcomed and encouraged. in today's crazy consumer driven world, i have found i often need to tread off the beaten path to achieve this life for my children. indeed, it is a constant striving, as we are not even "there" yet. and it is this adventure, this journey of creating a love filled life for my family within the hectic day to day to-and-fro that i intend to sort out and document in this blog.
hope you'll join me on the journey and share your thoughts.
like i believe most parents do, i want the best for my kids. this can mean something different to each person that you ask...but to me it means that i strive to create an affirmative, wholesome, healthy and balanced life for my children to thrive in. a life they can be free to be themselves in. one where mistakes are okay...learning their own way and being different are okay...actually beyond okay, where these things are welcomed and encouraged. in today's crazy consumer driven world, i have found i often need to tread off the beaten path to achieve this life for my children. indeed, it is a constant striving, as we are not even "there" yet. and it is this adventure, this journey of creating a love filled life for my family within the hectic day to day to-and-fro that i intend to sort out and document in this blog.
hope you'll join me on the journey and share your thoughts.
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