poetry. kind of.

i have poetry in my blood. some unnamed great great uncle of mine was poet laureate of italy way back when...and i have always loved writing it. not that i am any good at it, it is more of a personal and therapeutic act than anything else. i do so love words.

my personal history with poetry is spotted...i wanted to major in it after getting a full scholarship for writing to Southern Connecticut State University, but my dad convinced me to major in something more practical, journalism. i listened to dad, unfortunately, but did finally take a poetry class in my junior or senior year at SCSU. it didn't go well.

i was asked to leave poetry 101 by the well known writer, my professor, Charles Fort. for vulgarity!!! hahaha! rebellious, in your face and overly ineloquent youth that i was...he asked us to write a poem about our most hated household chore and i wrote about cleaning a toilet that had been over exposed to men...yellow crust and short and curlies and whatnot. it was an effective, gag inducing poem. exactly how i feel when subjected to such ick. i also remember writing a poem about being five and helping my dad hang a deer he had shot in a tree...to drain the blood out of it before it was butchered. it was a bloody and graphic poem...but so was the experience. i was proud when an appalled freshman left the class in disgust. charles wasn't so impressed and viewed me as disruptive.

anyway...
i feel a wad of poetry gurgling in my throat...i think it's my way of purging the unspeakable...i plan on posting it here. i guess this is a warning. it's private...but not. and well...i just want anyone that checks this blog out to stand forewarned. i might get graphic...you never know.

<3

pushing the mirk aside

i'm sitting around after a long day...sipping a big glass of french red and waiting for some valerian root to kick in. i strained my back today and can hardly move! it figures baby D is cutting molars and is extra needy and that little J is home sick with a sore throat...i cannot even lift the baby it hurts so much!

but i did get a lot of work accomplished despite the doctor's appointment, the incessant rain and the back-wack. yay for me.

i did a little graphics job for a new furniture company in maine called American Doll Furniture. they make lovely furniture in a neat little wood shop down in north berwick, maine. i finished a little stamp that goes on the bottom of each of their pieces...and i have business cards, a letterhead and a pamphlet displaying their work in the works, too. yay!



i also worked on some of the overall design plan for Kate's cookbook. i got myself so excited about it...i want to pass it by her before i get set on working it the way i have in my mind...but i think she is going to love it. the main theme is that the cookbook, the recipes, drawings, stories are personal and i have a plan that will make them FEEL personal and special and handpicked by Kate. in my humble opinion it is her that makes this book so special...she's amazing, funny, creative and that is what has to shine through.

ahhhhhhh...my back is starting to loosen up a little.

it is a good to dive into work instead of swimming around in one's own mirk. i happily pushed a lot of shit in my head aside today to get stuff accomplished and i am so proud of myself.

peace...

ohhhhhh...shizzle and a purl stitch.

i have been in a real funk lately...feeling some hard times...hard lessons to learn. i suppose it's par for the course...we all have to grow and growth doesn't come without pain.

the good part about this experience is that i have looked inward a lot throughout the whole undermining mess, trying to figure out where the bad feelings, the insecurities, are coming from. and i have realized that i truly love myself...and my life. that i need to stop looking for love and acceptance and kindness from others...no matter who they are. i have come to really understand that to be happy, i need to find and hold dear the goodness i have within...the sweetness that comes from caring for myself and my family, appreciating the beauty in my life, from giving my all to meaningful work. i don't need to look outside of me. it's all right here. and it's protective like an armor. it doesn't matter what hurtful things people do or say with a strong heart. <3

luckily, when i look inward there is a bright light shining. i am happy. i am warm. i have enough love and light within myself to get me through any hard time. plus, i have the best friends anyone could ever wish for. no matter what fate has in store for me, i have the strength to handle it.

i do admit though...a new $210 avocado green, scoop neck, chunkily knit, knee length sweater dress that i found on the clearance rack for a mere 5 bucks at tj maxx didn't hurt either. it's beautiful. the knit is almost backward looking...like it was purled instead. i love it. it's clever and so well made. with leg warmers and knee high socks on, well...i am ruling my little kingdom quite happily. i just may borrow one of the kids' crowns from the dress-up box tonight.

note to self: ~must not forget that i am queen bee.

free art work!

i'm having a little give away on my facebook art page... come and become a fan, enter the drawing and perhaps win a 5x7 digitally toned blind contour drawing "pods"...

foody!

i have been working on Kate Cheney Chappell's cookbook all week and have been swimming in great new recipes to try. i figured that it is the best way to help write acookbook...dive into the recipes and the food.

so i went grocery shopping at my new favorite spot, market basket in portsmouth, NH this week. it's no whole food market, but i recently discovered that most of whol foods own brand of veg comes from China. so what's the difference? market basket has good quality food, a lot of organic and all natural products and i have been saving about $75 a week shopping there.

so this evening, my kitchen is fully stocked and i'm ready to cook! trouble is i'm almost on over load! everything sounds so good i can't decide what to cook first!

to circ or not to circ...

i read a big long debate tonight on circumcision. i realized that a lot of moms-to-be out there do not have good information about circs and that they are COMPLETELY not necessary. i guess i never realized a mother with no strong attachment to the idea of circumcision would want their child to undergo such an unnecessary ordeal.

i do not know a single parent who did not circumcise their son to regret it...however i know many parents who have that do.

for the record... circumcision as a cleanliness issue is a total myth. there is seriously nothing necessary about it. it hurts baby, takes a long time to heal and is basically some weird form of accepted mutilation. anyone having a boy baby and wanting info feel free to contact me and i'll share.

you can go to youtube and watch a live circumcision. that should help you understand what you are doing before hand for sure...don't think it'll be as easy as it is to watch the video as it will be to witness your own baby go through it either. ouch.

i just have to say...

i was always a night owl...even as a kid...i hated to miss a beat of the day and go to sleep! and then, in the morning, i'd hate to pull myself from my amazing, vivid dreams to wake up.

put, these days, i find an asston of pleasure in the wee hours of the morning before anyone has woken up. who knew?? i can do yoga without a baby crawling through my legs...no one is talking at me...there are no needs floating about except my own.

and coffee tastes that much better in the quiet of pre-dawn, before 6 AM.

this morning, it's 5:15, i've already showered, dressed, done the dishes that i abandoned last night to care for sick baby D and i am about to do some yoga and then begin a bit of cookbook work before waking the brood, making their lunches etc...

<3 this type of morning <3

______________________________________

two hours later: and right after i published this entry Baby D woke up and has had me covered in hummus, chewed pretzel, boogers, orange pulp and tears... :( he is feverish and restless and miserable. so i take it back...i love the above kind of morning when everyone is healthy. but, this kind of morning, actually, i do not love.

down with chaos...

with all of the work i have coming in, i am finding myself needing to organize the tiny corner of our house i share with our rat terrier. big time.

this little 6x3 space, packed with bookshelves and drawers of art supplies and my beloved mac and scanner and my epson printer, is the hub of all of my different roles. it is my command center. and i am definitely not known for being organized. i tend to live in and thrive in chaos if left to my own devices.

but over the past four or five months there has seriously been a drastic shift in me. i have begun to appreciate sparsity and having a place for everything. back in september j hired someone to help me clean the house. it was such a blow to my ego at first! then i learned to make having her come every other week work for me...and now, (with our new tightened budget we can't afford her) i can and do keep the house clean all by myself. it is surprising even to me, but i have had family that knows my chaotic nature stop by unexpectedly and exclaim at their surprise at how tidy our world is these days. i kind of love it. i think i've become obsessed. <3

so...i have begun to organize this little nook. it has been clean, just not entirely organized. i created an area designated to files which hold all of our financial stuff and records...an area designated to kids' school stuff...an area designated to the cookbook design job...an area designated to jewelry and art supplies...a space for photographic equipment...sigh...the list goes on and on. i'm not finished, but i feel like i can successfully begin the book now and not feel like i am drowning in disorder.

i really think that being organized, and purposeful is helping me and my family get to a better place...to achieve our individual and collective goals.

<3 cheers to cleanliness & orderliness.

while i'm on a roll...

things have started to move and shift in my life towards the changes i've been wanting to make. it's pretty wild. i suppose i shouldn't be surprised by it, but alas, i am. happily, joyfully surprised.

i have been having so much fun with my little weekly art auctions on facebook. people have responded really well to them and i think they have drawn people into looking at my work. i have had several inquiries into pieces of work through facebook as a result of them. also, i have a new etsy customer that is looking to purchase a significantly large body of work from me, my work was featured in a new treasury on etsy and i have been approached to do a large commissioned piece of work.

also, the cookbook design project that i have been patiently waiting to begin is about to take off! i may even get the information i need today. that is the hugest blessing. being able to do design work, from home, being paid by the hour. *sigh* it truly is a gift.

i am looking to put a babysitting exchange together, where moms trade hours of watching each other's kids so that i can get some time in to do a cleaning job or two or what-have-you. but...

it's really exciting to think about how amazing it would be if i could make enough money doing creative work that filled me with joy!!! to think if i didn't have to leave my baby to go clean or wait tables or host in a restaurant?? not that i wouldn't love that work...i just don't love it as much as i do making art and jewelry and designing.

it's funny...well, not really "funny"...i guess it's more "telling" why i am so determined to support my own art and school debts and to have my own money to spend on art supplies. when i told J last night about how well the past couple of weeks have been for me with selling my work, he laughed at me, in front of our children and told me i may as well pay my debt by going to Bingo. bingo. he equated selling my work to playing bingo.

i should have known better than to put myself out there like that, i guess. i certainly do now. all i have to say about that is, "just you wait, buddy. just you wait."

things are coming together. <3

From the Spray Art Auction...

Having another weekly art auction on my Facebook Art page...Click Here to View it!!!!

h a p p y.

i woke up sweet and early this saturday morning...all of my kids piled into my bed and popped in the Curious George DVD we had rented. so i snuck out of bed to write about joy. i am utterly filled with it.

the changes of the past month have been pretty big. kids went from homeschooling to school at the local public schools. i went to having not three children all day, but one. baby went from fighting for attention to getting plenty of it. our family developed a budget system. i decided that i want more financial independence and developed a plan to be put into the works to make that happen.our home is well-managed due to some odd shift in my nature over the past 4 months. i have become kind of anal about it staying tidy and lo and behold it is working! J comes home from work now feeling stress free and looks at me with some serious sexy regard when i yell at him to pick up his socks and dirty shirt, or snap when he puts his keys and cell phone down on the mantle. the freak likes it. things around here are feeling managed. organized. and good. and i dare say that each of us five are getting exactly what we each need.

and it's wild. i think it may be the first time ever that we are all happy and fulfilled at the same time.

hooray for joy, the strength to change and the bravery to make difficult decisions.

curriculums for sale...

thought i'd put it out there that we are selling the two Calvert curriculums we purchased this year...we have both the 4th and 2nd grade 2009/10 curriculums complete without the math course. they are in excellent shape. no writing in the text books, and about 10% of the workbooks with pencil or erasable ink markings that can be erased.

the 4th grade is 295 and the 2nd grade is 285...postage is included in the prices and i do accept paypal.

peace.


UPDATE: sold the fourth grade curriculum, as of 2/5 we still have the second grade. weeee!!!

a touch of independence...

i opened my own checking account. and i've earned a little bit of money to stick in it. and though this is a small fete (i don't even have as much money as my children do in my account yet) i feel quite liberated. i can't explain the disempowerment i feel as the stay-at-home parent, though i love taking care of my brood more than anything...

my man and i have successfully put a budget into the works...successful in that we didn't kill each other in the process. and so far our household has held to the budget. things are tight...and we have a lot of saving hopes and very responsible goals incorporated into it. art, however has been left out of the budget. and the debt that i have accrued in the hopes of staying a "working artist" so that i can go to a good grad school for art therapy eventually (accumulating supplies and gear and equipment with which to create art and get my BA) has been pretty much scowled upon.

so i am determined...DETERMINED...to earn my own money that will pay for art supplies both past and present. i need to creatively find ways to work and earn money while still maintaining my home (we can no longer afford the help i had with the house that i had while the children were homeschooling...though i must say it helped me organize the world here enough so keeping it tidy is far more manageable) and still taking care of my family the way i like to.

the first thing i am going to do, to start, is have a weekly art auction like i have been for the past couple of weeks. this is helping me to alleviate my stockpile of work, use up my supplies and get my creative urges out. it brings in a little money, too...not what i'd get in a gallery, but also i really do love the thrill of the auction thing. so it's all good.

secondly, i have begun more work on the cookbook that i am working from home designing and trying to get publishing (or self publishing it if all else fails) for Kate Cheney Chappell. i've been in touch with an amazing publishing company and am hoping that i can inspire her to get me more stuff to work on and get a handful of hours in designing the book from home every week. that job is so exciting to me, too...i can hardly wait for it to take off more! she's in such demand though!

also, i have begun to think about green cleaning again. i know it may sound weird and even yucky to some people, but i actually like making a person's home feel clean, smell wonderful and taking stress off of people. i used to do it and had planned to start a healthy business for moms. i wanted to be able to provide green work for people during "mother's hours" and my business plan even incorporated getting them health insurance. but when i became pregnant with baby D...it just got to be too much. i really developed a fondness for several of the people i worked for though...and i was thinking that if i went back to cleaning for them that i would do it at a reduced rate if i could bring my baby. there is no way that i will put him into daycare and my family is just not really available for such a regular babysitting schedule. so i would knock 10 bucks an hour off the cost of cleaning if he could come. there are also a few people that i have yet to clean for that i can imagine this scenerio working with. it could be a way for someone who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford a good green cleaning to get one!!! it may or may not work...

and lastly, if i can't make enough to significantly reduce my debt with the above work...i am thinking of going back to Street & Co for one night of work a week. great money. great people. amazing food...i love it there and i often miss it. the reason it is last on the list howwever is because i would be impeding on J's life. he'd need to take care of the children and support my working because it is at night and i am honestly not sure he is capable of that.

so...i have a plan. i have a checking account. i have a little nest egg growing...i am hoping to pay all of my own credit and student loan debts every month...this month already i may be able to do that if i can get on the ball! and then once it is all paid off (i could do it in about 10 months if i bust a move on) i want to save up for several things not in our "budget"...yoga teacher training...a metalsmithing jewelry class at heartwood college of art...a really nice camera, like a canon Rebel...and the tattoo i have been dreaming of getting that represents my family and motherhood...

i am filled with a surprising amount of patience. and i know i can do it all by myself.

peace out.