inner struggles

*big sigh*

as the new year approaches and i look back on this past year all i can do is sigh. i have loved every moment. but, nevertheless i am contemplating really significant changes for the times to come.

in september i began homeschooling my two older sons...and i have had the baby around us as well. a lot of people have asked me how i do it with all three of them and it isn't an easily answered question...i just do it. it takes some creativity and some self direction from the kids, but it works. and each one gets attention and love and has their needs met. not that it is always peaches and cream...

but, when i took on the endeavor of home schooling these sons of mine, things were a bit different. J was going to teach them to cook on saturday mornings so that i could have one morning a week to myself...he was going to be in charge of science...and yet it is now january and that has never even once happened. work is extremely busy for him, which is a blessing in itself...and it is where his priority lies. he is striving for success in his field. he works 90+ hours a week. i try to be supportive of his desire, but consequently i have not had a moment without children at my hem. literally. not. one. moment.

i am feeling burnt out. and i am feeling lost, my Self and my needs are getting lost in the mix. i hardly ever even have a chance to shower.

and on top of that i am disheartened by the curriculum we purchased to use for our schooling. it is rigid, archaic and its chosen literature is the first i have ever heard my children call "boring." wth all the great literature out there for children it is so sad to see the lame stuff they've picked. in essence, the curriculum sucks...and we follow the motions of it with less than half a heart. i feel like i am doing my children an educational disservice using this boring non-progressive curriculum. i want more for them...which is why i chose to homeschool them in the first place. i have added my own pieces to our education, like herbology and japanese, but it isn't like i know all about child development and what they should be optimally learning when. i don't feel confident enough to create my own curriculum, nor do i think my husband would support that...homeschooling has turned into a lonely experience and i can see it will just get more so as the winter progresses...

and for other personal reasons, too...i feel saddled by certain aspects of this endeavor...saddled in a way that makes me feel like i have no control or freedom and i do not like it. i have three children on me all the time and i sometimes need to be able to just pick up and do something (and i'm not talking about fun things, but necessary thing)...a luxury i don't have right now.

*big sigh*

so i am strongly contemplating sending my boys back to public school...and trying to look at it in a positive light not as a failure...i am not a monk. i am not wholly selfless...and that is part of my sparkle. i, as a person, add to my family's light and beauty by being me..and i must take care of myself to be the best me for them...for us all.

big thoughts...big thoughts...

i want some of your brown sugar...

it's dreary...cold and sleeting... here in maine today. and i just discovered that brown sugar has made this day totally bearable! in the form of a home facial!

1/2 cup brown sugar
enough extra virgin olive oil to saturate the sugar
a few drop of lemon juice
a drop or two of lavender essential oil

mix all together and put on clean face...rub slowly and gently in circular motion all over face and neck...then rinse off well with warm water for an amazingly invigorating feeling and a fabulous healthy glowing complexion. it is great on hands, too! probably would do wonder for your feeties, but i won't be taking these chunky socks off anytime soon to find out. brrrrrr...

growing up...

my oldest son, Boo, who is 9, woke up this morning before anyone else...well, daddy was off to work before the sun rose and i was up doing yoga. he cuddled up in a furry throw on the couch and watched me on the floor in front of him...the house was dark, just full of a minute bit of fresh sunlight reflecting off the first snow of 2009...

all of a sudden i saw him as a man. it was the oddest sensation. he will grow tall and have muscles and facial hair...he will start to smell soon. right now he still has the tangy but delicious scent of a dirty little boy...but he already has started to flex his need for private space and time alone....soon he'll be gone and this time period of caring for him, raising him will be over as if it were a quick flash.

it is hard to imagine my life without his insights everyday. he is such a transcendentalist... he keeps me from having my feet too stuck in what i think is reality...he'll always pull another layer out to keep things from being stagnant. such a beautiful mind...such an amazing kid.

and this is part of why i homeschooled him this year, because it is all over so quick...and i wanted to raise my own children, to be with them, to truly know them and also to allow them to be themselves. we recently had a big group of friends over for thanksgiving and one of them commented on how amazing our environment is, that our kids are in a place where they are safe to be their true selves. i want to preserve that. to let them grow as individuals.

it is easy to blend in and be one of the masses if you're stuffed into a box enough times, but it is hard to stand on one's own after needing to feel the security of likeness for so long. i have been witnessing this in people lately...and i am hoping to help my kids escape it. i want them to have full and fantastic lives of their own and feel as though they would burst with love for themselves whenever they think of who they are...just like i do for them whenever i look at them.

how do you make time slow down? i want to be in this cocoon of my little family forever. *sigh*

nurser...

i loved this photo...had to share.