*big sigh*
as the new year approaches and i look back on this past year all i can do is sigh. i have loved every moment. but, nevertheless i am contemplating really significant changes for the times to come.
in september i began homeschooling my two older sons...and i have had the baby around us as well. a lot of people have asked me how i do it with all three of them and it isn't an easily answered question...i just do it. it takes some creativity and some self direction from the kids, but it works. and each one gets attention and love and has their needs met. not that it is always peaches and cream...
but, when i took on the endeavor of home schooling these sons of mine, things were a bit different. J was going to teach them to cook on saturday mornings so that i could have one morning a week to myself...he was going to be in charge of science...and yet it is now january and that has never even once happened. work is extremely busy for him, which is a blessing in itself...and it is where his priority lies. he is striving for success in his field. he works 90+ hours a week. i try to be supportive of his desire, but consequently i have not had a moment without children at my hem. literally. not. one. moment.
i am feeling burnt out. and i am feeling lost, my Self and my needs are getting lost in the mix. i hardly ever even have a chance to shower.
and on top of that i am disheartened by the curriculum we purchased to use for our schooling. it is rigid, archaic and its chosen literature is the first i have ever heard my children call "boring." wth all the great literature out there for children it is so sad to see the lame stuff they've picked. in essence, the curriculum sucks...and we follow the motions of it with less than half a heart. i feel like i am doing my children an educational disservice using this boring non-progressive curriculum. i want more for them...which is why i chose to homeschool them in the first place. i have added my own pieces to our education, like herbology and japanese, but it isn't like i know all about child development and what they should be optimally learning when. i don't feel confident enough to create my own curriculum, nor do i think my husband would support that...homeschooling has turned into a lonely experience and i can see it will just get more so as the winter progresses...
and for other personal reasons, too...i feel saddled by certain aspects of this endeavor...saddled in a way that makes me feel like i have no control or freedom and i do not like it. i have three children on me all the time and i sometimes need to be able to just pick up and do something (and i'm not talking about fun things, but necessary thing)...a luxury i don't have right now.
*big sigh*
so i am strongly contemplating sending my boys back to public school...and trying to look at it in a positive light not as a failure...i am not a monk. i am not wholly selfless...and that is part of my sparkle. i, as a person, add to my family's light and beauty by being me..and i must take care of myself to be the best me for them...for us all.
big thoughts...big thoughts...
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I now have a few free moments to give this insightful reflection the attention it merits. I hope the thoughts to follow, however disjointed, will be of some use.
ReplyDeleteWe, of course, have been homeschooling Miles and Porter, though since they just turned five this past year, little “formal” education has taken place yet. But of course education begins at birth, so we have really been at it for a while. Homeschooling is an extremely ambitious undertaking, and is extremely hard. Farrar and I do it under arguably the best of all circumstances: I am free to play a significant role due to my schedule; she is a trained educator with no current outside profession; both of our “students” are the same age; and we live in a city that has scads of free educational and cultural options. And even so, it is hard.
I think rural homeschooling must be one of the most challenging endeavors a part can undertake. Here in D.C., we are a part of a homeschooling group, an early education co-op, and a Destination ImagiNation team. There is significant overlap between them – the two latter groups sprang from the former – but it shows just how much of a network we have. We also have the luxury of being able to hop on the subway and go see the world’s greatest art and artifacts, at no cost to us. Sometimes when we do not have the energy to do “school stuff”, as we call it, at home, we go to the Smithsonian instead. We are blessed, and we are spoiled.
Trying to educate one’s own children without these benefits seems like a herculean task, and I admire anyone who attempts it. And I also see how easy it would be to lose sight of one’s own self and needs. I think you and I face a similar conundrum: Our children and our families are the most important things in our lives, and yet we still really need a life of the self. Since M & P were born, I have almost always been taking some outside class (acting, mostly, but some others as well). People have rightly marveled at this. I do, after all, work full time, and play a big role in their upbringing and schooling. I just reply that if I did not have something edifying outside of family and work, I would lose myself and go crazy.
I’m providing more empathy than answers here, since of course your answers will be your own, and I don’t really have any to offer anyway. I do think you are right to not see the possibility of your children returning to outside schooling as an admission of defeat. There is only so much one human body can do in the confines of time, and it will be better for all of you for you to take care of yourself as well as them.