resolutions 2011

vowing...
serenity
fruitful energy
creativity
FAMILY
love
organization
self respect
acceptance

on society

trying hard to stop the squirming that comes from watching my oldest child struggle to find where he "fits in"...it's like watching his unique, amazing light flicker in strong wind...and i just want to scream for him to not let that flame go out! i want him to remain true to himself...to not give in to conforming.

*sigh*
i am at a bit of a loss as to how to best support him, except in simply loving his guts and telling him he is perfect the way he is...even if he can't throw a football half way down the field like so-and-so can. i'd so much rather have my Boo than a tom brady. any day. <3

Sia - Breathe Me (KCRW 2007)

Iron & Wine - Sacred Vision

my lingerie chest gets a facelift

kind of wish i had a before shot...gold with bone drawer pulls. i love it. now to get trim on those walls!

:)

my baby is an imaginary gun slinging, emergency vehicle imitating, mama loving, fat, butter bean...and seriously, i cannot imagine that he will be a man someday. egad.

whoa.

so...Boo typed his spelling homework on my computer tonight. and left it on the screen for me to print tomorrow after i buy new ink.

i read it. a simple assignment using the words he is supposed to know in a sentence. they were all brilliant, but one struck me. punched me really. for the word "stern"... it is:

"My dad is really stern, but I think he knows that I know that he knows I am as sly as a fox and as quiet as a mouse but I know he is like a bull in a china shop."

and i cannot help but be in awe at the wisdom of this child...

yard scrapers (aka landscapers)

i went on a walk with my middle son, the apple-cheeked Bones on sunday and as we walked by our own house i commented that we need to get to work on our winter-hit yard. and he said..."it's no fair mommy...how come we have to do it? the neighbor has a yard scraper and we don't!!"

a yard scraper. i love it. bones is a subconsciously poetic genius. tomorrow is his student led, parent/teacher conference. i can't wait to hear the wonderful stuff he has to say.

i am one lucky mama.

way more fun than dying eggs, for sure. PeePSHi!!!

beautiful delicious forever poppies.

i happily got my poppy tattoo yesterday...over the old one as planned, but with a twist...chris thought it'd be cool to let the old one peek out just a little and i love the idea of it...it's like the old me sparked the growth of the new me...at the base of the poppies is this little tiny seedling that started it all. there is still an hour of color work left to be done to it...so know that when you look at the photos...but even as is, it is beautiful.

chris was a dream to get tattooed by. i was completely comfortable the whole time and he was gentle, if that can be said about a tattooer. it hurt, but was much different than past experiences.

his style is amazing...unique and he is incredibly intuitive about colors.

it was a great experience.

so, my act of self assertion, of being the boss of my life, my body, my spirit...my visual reminder that i am the hub of a family and to stay true to that self and my kids is set in ink. it was a highly symbolic act for me...and i am so happy about finally doing it. thank you, chris dingwell!!!!

my world...

this is in the deep chill of the winter...but a view of our desolate backyard without the old barn or the new dream of one. i am trying to will flourishing beauty and a safe place to play into my world...send barn energy this way. <3

weep

i cradle your giant head
like a milk-fat baby
as your juicy man tears plop
into the plush of my lap

long overdue, you blubber,
sputter and cough out a cry
and despite my resistance to you
it renders you beautiful

i...nk

i went to see a man about a wallaby today!

well, actually i visited chris dingwell about a tattoo. one that i have been destined to get for about 20 years. it is quite symbolic and had to happen right now...right this very minute!!! it is a commitment to myself and my children to be true to myself. it is a symbol of the love and nourishment i give off in this life. it is covering over the first tattoo that i ever got...bought for me by my high school boyfriend and will cover my ankle, the front of my leg and part of my foot. it feels like i am symbolically busting out of the tight skin of a bubble designed to restrain someone and bursting into my own true form. big, beautiful red poppies that symbolize happiness, nourishment, beauty, growth and an uncontainable, intoxicating life force. i can hardly wait. april 1st. it is the day.

chris is amazing. a sweet friend for many years...and one of the most dynamic and distinctive tattooers around. he and i have talked about this for a few years now...and i am finally putting my foot down and getting down to business. with all that has gone on in my life recently, i need to do something to symbolize my strength...my independence and my outlook on life. i really thought that my mama tattoo would come first... (Matt W! don't forget me!!) but i am still working on that one. certain issues are dictating that this happen now.

peek at the breathtaking work that he does from sanctuary tattoo in portland, maine. you'll be floored.

peace out.

mantra of the day

"i will not be a participant in my own diminishment."
said the orchid trying to eek out a life in siberia...

staying true to my my raucous lovey self

the sun shining through my kitchen windows illuminates the dust. it is symbolic. despite my crazed efforts to keep my world neat tidy and organized there is a layer of dust that has settled. i think instead of a vacuuming i need to take this world outside and give it a good shake.

the two big boys and i went to see Alice In Wonderland last night...in 3-d at imax. and it was like an amazing vacation. seriously. i left the theatre feeling like i had gone away. perhaps it was that i was without baby for over two hours...it's been ages since i've been away from him...but really i think it was the absolutely engulfing cinematography. it blew me away and sucked me in. <3

the story is what punched me in the face. i think sometimes i doubt myself...and take the path certain people around me expect me to take.

and i suppose that there is nothing really wrong with listening to others sometimes...however, my life, when i live it my way, is always a glorious burst of raucous flaming joyous love. and i love it that way. there are times that my pop gets dampened and i am not as me as i could be if i had just followed my own heart. in the words of the hatter, i lose my "muchness."

so lesson learned at big disney movie = follow my own heart and f@ck the naysayers and overbearing uninvited people trying to "guide" me. <3

and the biz card...

i just wanted to post the business card i whipped up for my friends...

poetry. kind of.

i have poetry in my blood. some unnamed great great uncle of mine was poet laureate of italy way back when...and i have always loved writing it. not that i am any good at it, it is more of a personal and therapeutic act than anything else. i do so love words.

my personal history with poetry is spotted...i wanted to major in it after getting a full scholarship for writing to Southern Connecticut State University, but my dad convinced me to major in something more practical, journalism. i listened to dad, unfortunately, but did finally take a poetry class in my junior or senior year at SCSU. it didn't go well.

i was asked to leave poetry 101 by the well known writer, my professor, Charles Fort. for vulgarity!!! hahaha! rebellious, in your face and overly ineloquent youth that i was...he asked us to write a poem about our most hated household chore and i wrote about cleaning a toilet that had been over exposed to men...yellow crust and short and curlies and whatnot. it was an effective, gag inducing poem. exactly how i feel when subjected to such ick. i also remember writing a poem about being five and helping my dad hang a deer he had shot in a tree...to drain the blood out of it before it was butchered. it was a bloody and graphic poem...but so was the experience. i was proud when an appalled freshman left the class in disgust. charles wasn't so impressed and viewed me as disruptive.

anyway...
i feel a wad of poetry gurgling in my throat...i think it's my way of purging the unspeakable...i plan on posting it here. i guess this is a warning. it's private...but not. and well...i just want anyone that checks this blog out to stand forewarned. i might get graphic...you never know.

<3

pushing the mirk aside

i'm sitting around after a long day...sipping a big glass of french red and waiting for some valerian root to kick in. i strained my back today and can hardly move! it figures baby D is cutting molars and is extra needy and that little J is home sick with a sore throat...i cannot even lift the baby it hurts so much!

but i did get a lot of work accomplished despite the doctor's appointment, the incessant rain and the back-wack. yay for me.

i did a little graphics job for a new furniture company in maine called American Doll Furniture. they make lovely furniture in a neat little wood shop down in north berwick, maine. i finished a little stamp that goes on the bottom of each of their pieces...and i have business cards, a letterhead and a pamphlet displaying their work in the works, too. yay!



i also worked on some of the overall design plan for Kate's cookbook. i got myself so excited about it...i want to pass it by her before i get set on working it the way i have in my mind...but i think she is going to love it. the main theme is that the cookbook, the recipes, drawings, stories are personal and i have a plan that will make them FEEL personal and special and handpicked by Kate. in my humble opinion it is her that makes this book so special...she's amazing, funny, creative and that is what has to shine through.

ahhhhhhh...my back is starting to loosen up a little.

it is a good to dive into work instead of swimming around in one's own mirk. i happily pushed a lot of shit in my head aside today to get stuff accomplished and i am so proud of myself.

peace...

ohhhhhh...shizzle and a purl stitch.

i have been in a real funk lately...feeling some hard times...hard lessons to learn. i suppose it's par for the course...we all have to grow and growth doesn't come without pain.

the good part about this experience is that i have looked inward a lot throughout the whole undermining mess, trying to figure out where the bad feelings, the insecurities, are coming from. and i have realized that i truly love myself...and my life. that i need to stop looking for love and acceptance and kindness from others...no matter who they are. i have come to really understand that to be happy, i need to find and hold dear the goodness i have within...the sweetness that comes from caring for myself and my family, appreciating the beauty in my life, from giving my all to meaningful work. i don't need to look outside of me. it's all right here. and it's protective like an armor. it doesn't matter what hurtful things people do or say with a strong heart. <3

luckily, when i look inward there is a bright light shining. i am happy. i am warm. i have enough love and light within myself to get me through any hard time. plus, i have the best friends anyone could ever wish for. no matter what fate has in store for me, i have the strength to handle it.

i do admit though...a new $210 avocado green, scoop neck, chunkily knit, knee length sweater dress that i found on the clearance rack for a mere 5 bucks at tj maxx didn't hurt either. it's beautiful. the knit is almost backward looking...like it was purled instead. i love it. it's clever and so well made. with leg warmers and knee high socks on, well...i am ruling my little kingdom quite happily. i just may borrow one of the kids' crowns from the dress-up box tonight.

note to self: ~must not forget that i am queen bee.

free art work!

i'm having a little give away on my facebook art page... come and become a fan, enter the drawing and perhaps win a 5x7 digitally toned blind contour drawing "pods"...

foody!

i have been working on Kate Cheney Chappell's cookbook all week and have been swimming in great new recipes to try. i figured that it is the best way to help write acookbook...dive into the recipes and the food.

so i went grocery shopping at my new favorite spot, market basket in portsmouth, NH this week. it's no whole food market, but i recently discovered that most of whol foods own brand of veg comes from China. so what's the difference? market basket has good quality food, a lot of organic and all natural products and i have been saving about $75 a week shopping there.

so this evening, my kitchen is fully stocked and i'm ready to cook! trouble is i'm almost on over load! everything sounds so good i can't decide what to cook first!

to circ or not to circ...

i read a big long debate tonight on circumcision. i realized that a lot of moms-to-be out there do not have good information about circs and that they are COMPLETELY not necessary. i guess i never realized a mother with no strong attachment to the idea of circumcision would want their child to undergo such an unnecessary ordeal.

i do not know a single parent who did not circumcise their son to regret it...however i know many parents who have that do.

for the record... circumcision as a cleanliness issue is a total myth. there is seriously nothing necessary about it. it hurts baby, takes a long time to heal and is basically some weird form of accepted mutilation. anyone having a boy baby and wanting info feel free to contact me and i'll share.

you can go to youtube and watch a live circumcision. that should help you understand what you are doing before hand for sure...don't think it'll be as easy as it is to watch the video as it will be to witness your own baby go through it either. ouch.

i just have to say...

i was always a night owl...even as a kid...i hated to miss a beat of the day and go to sleep! and then, in the morning, i'd hate to pull myself from my amazing, vivid dreams to wake up.

put, these days, i find an asston of pleasure in the wee hours of the morning before anyone has woken up. who knew?? i can do yoga without a baby crawling through my legs...no one is talking at me...there are no needs floating about except my own.

and coffee tastes that much better in the quiet of pre-dawn, before 6 AM.

this morning, it's 5:15, i've already showered, dressed, done the dishes that i abandoned last night to care for sick baby D and i am about to do some yoga and then begin a bit of cookbook work before waking the brood, making their lunches etc...

<3 this type of morning <3

______________________________________

two hours later: and right after i published this entry Baby D woke up and has had me covered in hummus, chewed pretzel, boogers, orange pulp and tears... :( he is feverish and restless and miserable. so i take it back...i love the above kind of morning when everyone is healthy. but, this kind of morning, actually, i do not love.

down with chaos...

with all of the work i have coming in, i am finding myself needing to organize the tiny corner of our house i share with our rat terrier. big time.

this little 6x3 space, packed with bookshelves and drawers of art supplies and my beloved mac and scanner and my epson printer, is the hub of all of my different roles. it is my command center. and i am definitely not known for being organized. i tend to live in and thrive in chaos if left to my own devices.

but over the past four or five months there has seriously been a drastic shift in me. i have begun to appreciate sparsity and having a place for everything. back in september j hired someone to help me clean the house. it was such a blow to my ego at first! then i learned to make having her come every other week work for me...and now, (with our new tightened budget we can't afford her) i can and do keep the house clean all by myself. it is surprising even to me, but i have had family that knows my chaotic nature stop by unexpectedly and exclaim at their surprise at how tidy our world is these days. i kind of love it. i think i've become obsessed. <3

so...i have begun to organize this little nook. it has been clean, just not entirely organized. i created an area designated to files which hold all of our financial stuff and records...an area designated to kids' school stuff...an area designated to the cookbook design job...an area designated to jewelry and art supplies...a space for photographic equipment...sigh...the list goes on and on. i'm not finished, but i feel like i can successfully begin the book now and not feel like i am drowning in disorder.

i really think that being organized, and purposeful is helping me and my family get to a better place...to achieve our individual and collective goals.

<3 cheers to cleanliness & orderliness.

while i'm on a roll...

things have started to move and shift in my life towards the changes i've been wanting to make. it's pretty wild. i suppose i shouldn't be surprised by it, but alas, i am. happily, joyfully surprised.

i have been having so much fun with my little weekly art auctions on facebook. people have responded really well to them and i think they have drawn people into looking at my work. i have had several inquiries into pieces of work through facebook as a result of them. also, i have a new etsy customer that is looking to purchase a significantly large body of work from me, my work was featured in a new treasury on etsy and i have been approached to do a large commissioned piece of work.

also, the cookbook design project that i have been patiently waiting to begin is about to take off! i may even get the information i need today. that is the hugest blessing. being able to do design work, from home, being paid by the hour. *sigh* it truly is a gift.

i am looking to put a babysitting exchange together, where moms trade hours of watching each other's kids so that i can get some time in to do a cleaning job or two or what-have-you. but...

it's really exciting to think about how amazing it would be if i could make enough money doing creative work that filled me with joy!!! to think if i didn't have to leave my baby to go clean or wait tables or host in a restaurant?? not that i wouldn't love that work...i just don't love it as much as i do making art and jewelry and designing.

it's funny...well, not really "funny"...i guess it's more "telling" why i am so determined to support my own art and school debts and to have my own money to spend on art supplies. when i told J last night about how well the past couple of weeks have been for me with selling my work, he laughed at me, in front of our children and told me i may as well pay my debt by going to Bingo. bingo. he equated selling my work to playing bingo.

i should have known better than to put myself out there like that, i guess. i certainly do now. all i have to say about that is, "just you wait, buddy. just you wait."

things are coming together. <3

From the Spray Art Auction...

Having another weekly art auction on my Facebook Art page...Click Here to View it!!!!

h a p p y.

i woke up sweet and early this saturday morning...all of my kids piled into my bed and popped in the Curious George DVD we had rented. so i snuck out of bed to write about joy. i am utterly filled with it.

the changes of the past month have been pretty big. kids went from homeschooling to school at the local public schools. i went to having not three children all day, but one. baby went from fighting for attention to getting plenty of it. our family developed a budget system. i decided that i want more financial independence and developed a plan to be put into the works to make that happen.our home is well-managed due to some odd shift in my nature over the past 4 months. i have become kind of anal about it staying tidy and lo and behold it is working! J comes home from work now feeling stress free and looks at me with some serious sexy regard when i yell at him to pick up his socks and dirty shirt, or snap when he puts his keys and cell phone down on the mantle. the freak likes it. things around here are feeling managed. organized. and good. and i dare say that each of us five are getting exactly what we each need.

and it's wild. i think it may be the first time ever that we are all happy and fulfilled at the same time.

hooray for joy, the strength to change and the bravery to make difficult decisions.

curriculums for sale...

thought i'd put it out there that we are selling the two Calvert curriculums we purchased this year...we have both the 4th and 2nd grade 2009/10 curriculums complete without the math course. they are in excellent shape. no writing in the text books, and about 10% of the workbooks with pencil or erasable ink markings that can be erased.

the 4th grade is 295 and the 2nd grade is 285...postage is included in the prices and i do accept paypal.

peace.


UPDATE: sold the fourth grade curriculum, as of 2/5 we still have the second grade. weeee!!!

a touch of independence...

i opened my own checking account. and i've earned a little bit of money to stick in it. and though this is a small fete (i don't even have as much money as my children do in my account yet) i feel quite liberated. i can't explain the disempowerment i feel as the stay-at-home parent, though i love taking care of my brood more than anything...

my man and i have successfully put a budget into the works...successful in that we didn't kill each other in the process. and so far our household has held to the budget. things are tight...and we have a lot of saving hopes and very responsible goals incorporated into it. art, however has been left out of the budget. and the debt that i have accrued in the hopes of staying a "working artist" so that i can go to a good grad school for art therapy eventually (accumulating supplies and gear and equipment with which to create art and get my BA) has been pretty much scowled upon.

so i am determined...DETERMINED...to earn my own money that will pay for art supplies both past and present. i need to creatively find ways to work and earn money while still maintaining my home (we can no longer afford the help i had with the house that i had while the children were homeschooling...though i must say it helped me organize the world here enough so keeping it tidy is far more manageable) and still taking care of my family the way i like to.

the first thing i am going to do, to start, is have a weekly art auction like i have been for the past couple of weeks. this is helping me to alleviate my stockpile of work, use up my supplies and get my creative urges out. it brings in a little money, too...not what i'd get in a gallery, but also i really do love the thrill of the auction thing. so it's all good.

secondly, i have begun more work on the cookbook that i am working from home designing and trying to get publishing (or self publishing it if all else fails) for Kate Cheney Chappell. i've been in touch with an amazing publishing company and am hoping that i can inspire her to get me more stuff to work on and get a handful of hours in designing the book from home every week. that job is so exciting to me, too...i can hardly wait for it to take off more! she's in such demand though!

also, i have begun to think about green cleaning again. i know it may sound weird and even yucky to some people, but i actually like making a person's home feel clean, smell wonderful and taking stress off of people. i used to do it and had planned to start a healthy business for moms. i wanted to be able to provide green work for people during "mother's hours" and my business plan even incorporated getting them health insurance. but when i became pregnant with baby D...it just got to be too much. i really developed a fondness for several of the people i worked for though...and i was thinking that if i went back to cleaning for them that i would do it at a reduced rate if i could bring my baby. there is no way that i will put him into daycare and my family is just not really available for such a regular babysitting schedule. so i would knock 10 bucks an hour off the cost of cleaning if he could come. there are also a few people that i have yet to clean for that i can imagine this scenerio working with. it could be a way for someone who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford a good green cleaning to get one!!! it may or may not work...

and lastly, if i can't make enough to significantly reduce my debt with the above work...i am thinking of going back to Street & Co for one night of work a week. great money. great people. amazing food...i love it there and i often miss it. the reason it is last on the list howwever is because i would be impeding on J's life. he'd need to take care of the children and support my working because it is at night and i am honestly not sure he is capable of that.

so...i have a plan. i have a checking account. i have a little nest egg growing...i am hoping to pay all of my own credit and student loan debts every month...this month already i may be able to do that if i can get on the ball! and then once it is all paid off (i could do it in about 10 months if i bust a move on) i want to save up for several things not in our "budget"...yoga teacher training...a metalsmithing jewelry class at heartwood college of art...a really nice camera, like a canon Rebel...and the tattoo i have been dreaming of getting that represents my family and motherhood...

i am filled with a surprising amount of patience. and i know i can do it all by myself.

peace out.

money.

sucks. i hate money.

but of course, i need money. just like everyone else.

i have begun to suspect that it was kind of ridiculous of me to have invested so much money into an education in art, expecting to get a financial return on it. student loans...investments in expensive computers, printers, a printing press of my own, inks, jewelry supplies, framing...good quality paper and clay and everything in between. it adds up so quickly. and here i am with a family...and debt. and i sense i am also left with a husband that doesn't see the value in that debt...there is part of him that clearly sees me as living in a dreamworld, and thus i am taking it upon myself to pay it off with money i earn using my artistry and all the other skills i've acquired along this journey of life.

the first step in this is to have weekly art auction from my facebook art page...you can click here to check it out. this way i will reduce my overzealously created inventory, reduce my debt a little bit and hopefully give me an excuse to use some of those supplies i've collected to make more things for the auctions!

i am also expecting to be putting together the cookbook i've done a little work on already for kate cheney chappell, and that will be income that i can hopefully dedicate solely to my amassed art education debt...

and now since the boys have returned to school and i am left with just the baby, i have been considering going back to doing a green cleaning job once a week, too...i actually love doing it. for the right person, who is someone that appreciates the holistic, stress-relieving quality in the work. i use essential oils and leave a persons home a sparkling haven that i know brings a sense of well-being to my customers. i had a green cleaning business that i gave up when i was pregnant with the baby...it was hard to stomach the cleaning, and to physically do it after a while, too. but now, well, now i'd take on one project a week in a second...especially if baby could come. my motor is ticking...

and lastly, i have been thinking of going back to work at night for one night a week. Street & Co...i do so miss it. the adult company, the great food, the inspiration of being around such talented cooks and frankly, just great people. plus it's easy and good money for a night of being a grown-up.

i think, if i did all of these things, or most of them, i should be able to have my debt significantly reduced within a year. and without the debt...won't i be able to create art feeling a little less guilt about the money i dump into it, especially if it's money over and above what it is our family needs??

sigh.

some of the best advice i ever got was to not give up my art to be a mother and a wife. anyone can go through the motions it takes to care for a family, to keep a house...but no one is going to influence my children and husband the way i can with my creative spirit allowed to shine...it is a gift only i can give them even if it means i need to work more to pay for it. i have to find a way to keep it in my world.

*exhale*

there we go...a full week back to public school completed, with lighthearted smiles, giggles and pure happiness through the entire transition. i am so proud of my boys. so proud of myself for recognizing what needed to happen in our family! it has been a really joyful thing for each child and me!

baby has had so much of me, that even daddy notices he is more adjusted. he's a happy little peach to begin with, but he's really settled feeling now. this decision has affected his life the most i think...alone time with mommy is a cherished and very coveted thing. this makes me smile that i can provide him with such nurturing.

so now, as i have more time on my hands i have had my home tidier, and am tackling things i have needed to do, but haven't had the energy or time to accomplish with all the kids at home. big things like working on my personal list of positive changes in my life, artwork that has been dying to escape my imagination and creating a budget for our home and setting up our household finances on Quicken.

the biggest of these tasks for me personally is that i am redefining my role in my household. i am to be the happy hub of this home. "happy" being the operative word. everyone comes home expecting nourishment. i need to be able to give that to all of these fellas and i can't do that if i am not nourished as well. i have been having some revelations recently about what would make me really happy in my life...and these are the changes i am manifesting in my life. sometimes change can be a little painful, and i can't deny it...the transitions i am personally going are painful. but because i am committed to myself and my family i am making the best of it.

i can honestly say that a lot of the transitions being spurred into motion by me are a result of me realizing that though i love myself more than i ever have in this lifetime, i have unfulfilled needs and aspirations. this leaves me with a bit of a hole...and leaves me feeling vulnerable. i have had so much anxiety and worry and even jealousy floating in my body in the past few months...such toxic feelings. thus...i am purging them with positive and pursuing something that has yet to be defined specifically, but is being birthed as i make all the good, healthy positive change i can.

<3

mama loves her babytime...

some cherished time with my sweet baby...

so i did it...i went ahead and made the decision of sending my oldest sons, Bones and Boo, back to school. and i am happy to say they are already well adjusted to it...in a matter of less than a week! they are thrilled to be back, actually, with friends and learning.

and i cannot deny i am reveling in the peace and quiet and in the time to enjoy my baby! Ginging is so happy to have me all to himself. and i eat him up...today he crawled around on the floor blowing and chasing a feather...ecstatic in his ability to move the flffy thing with his breath! it was beautiful and i was so happy, felt so lucky to be witness to it. we bathed together and fresh out of the tub he nursed to sleep, his tummy against mine...

he is my last child...and i have to remember to slow down and savor the moments that he needs me...before i know it these little boys will be men, with hairy armpits and huge feet and be able to throw me over their shoulders...they won't need me. and i'll miss them through to my bones.

reminder to self: slow down and enjoy this life...