it's a hard-knock life

yes...i did recently watch Annie. the boys, despite their initial protests, loved it, too. i knew they would.

but my post really isn't about orphans, or hard financial times...it's about dealing with difficult people. like mrs.hannigan in annie. the orphans needed her and had to take her abuse for the most part...but wouldn't it have been nice if they could have set boundaries for themselves in order to keep her at bay??

i am so lucky to be surrounded by amazing boys and a loving man that support me as i deal with relationships that i find toxic. i am lucky. j and i have worked hard to find a place of trusting and understanding one another in hard circumstances...and we have succeeded.

some of my experience with toxic relationships have been with people that can be simply released into the abyss of the universe such as the family i discussed in the previous post about karate...they were toxic, mentally ill and potentially very harmful to my family. it was the right thing to do to set large boundaries to keep them from hurting my kids. i could not help them myself.

but then there are some relationships that are more challenging, relationships with people ingrained in one's life that cannot be simply cut off like fat from a roasting chicken. these relationships are necessary, yet can be toxic all the same. abusive even.

in such a case, i am finding, there needs to be clear boundaries. a verbally abusive family member cannot be enabled to be insensitive and hurtful. what excuse is there to allow oneself to get to the point of lashing out with hatred, volatility, curses and even violence? to get to the point of complete disrespect for people in their life...people who are a big part of their life. a person pushed to that type of extreme needs to seek help for themself. period. and cannot be allowed their cruelty. clear limits have to be stated and adhered to in order for the relationship to work at all.

not to say that that person or people need be denied forgiveness or love, or the chance to better themselves, though what they say may be hurtful, spiteful, cruel. i do believe that this type of person needs to be held accountable for their own hurtful reactions, outbursts and irreverence. however, from experience i can say that the abuser often times does not recognize their own abuse, no matter how hard the abused tries to show them. the abuser may try to run from ownership of it and even throw the blame for it onto the abused.

it is this point in the cycle of abuse when i realize i cannot help the abuser...but simply need to uphold my limits and protect and love my family, whether or not they all ask for it (some family members may take the abuse so as not to cause a stir, thus unwittingly enabling the abuse, but do not want it in their lives....unable to defend themselves for some fear is holding them back).

and thus it is...that i will not stand to see abusive behavior thrown at my family...nor will i stand for disrespect to them either, especially from someone whom we give unconditional support and energy to. i am setting clear boundaries and stating what i will and will not tolerate clearly. and this may feel uncomfortable for me to do...and for the others involved, it may also come as a relief to some who find it hard to defend themselves...it may feel hurtful to the abuser, but it is necessary for all involved. and perhaps that abuser will eventually see that their behavior has been cruel, and malicious, and simply abusive...and then again, perhaps not.