Powwow

this monday began quite turmoiled. it felt like the sour taste one has in the mouth after vomiting. seriously it was rough.

J was home sick all weekend. sick to the point where he couldn't hold baby D or be too close with the kids so that he didn't get them sick. and of course they wanted to be near him so badly it hurt them. his being home, in essence, it felt more like having an extra child.

though i love being around my husband, this weekend was exhausting. especially after the long week i had had with new work, sending my jewelry off to a new shop for consigning, homeschool, and my general mommy duty stuff...oh boy...and of course the kids were sure to use poor behavior that was not normal to them, and well, to sum things up, i felt as though i am a very unsuccessful mother for sure.

this morning, monday, was no different...J was home and i began school only to have the boys completely not listen to me and putting up a fight over everything i was asking them to do. J just kept looking at me and trying to tell me how to handle it, but to me it just sounded like, "this is what you are doing wrong, pam...this is your fault because, pam"...and i nearly broke down in a fit of tears that in other times of my life would have put me out of commission for a good day or two.

i felt as though my efforts were in vain, like a horrible tired wreck of a woman with no more strength to muster. i don't get a break from my kids these days, ever. and well...i woke up from a longnight's sleep feeling completely exhausted the moment one of my sons opened his mouth.

but i am a mom. and there is no room for break-downs, melt downs, tantrums, tears, or being tired.

instead i pulled myself together, i forced myself to ignore the feeling of wanting to crumble and sat the kids down with me as their dad left for work. we had a Powwow. we gathered our strength.

we sat down cross-legged and talked to each other about the issues we have with each other, areas we need to improve on, like i need to be more patient and more kind when things go wrong...and Boo needs to be more vocal about things when he is asked questions and more present, more focused, less distracted...Bones needs to be more positive and do his work with less of a negative grudge and not create distractions. we also talked about our many strengths and the things we love about homeschooling and why we want to work on the things getting in the way of it. we want to homeschool, all three of us. we want it work we are willing to work on ourselves to make it work...and well, we left our little powwow feeling empowered.

thankfully.

it is a huge and wonderful task to school my children...but i do need to insert a place for myself to be able to breathe. i need a few moments a week to myself. and the plan had been for J to have the kids for cooking classes on saturday mornings so that i could kickbox and get out my stress and steam, but that isn't working. i need to find another way. sigh. this is a big task in itself.

xo