money.

sucks. i hate money.

but of course, i need money. just like everyone else.

i have begun to suspect that it was kind of ridiculous of me to have invested so much money into an education in art, expecting to get a financial return on it. student loans...investments in expensive computers, printers, a printing press of my own, inks, jewelry supplies, framing...good quality paper and clay and everything in between. it adds up so quickly. and here i am with a family...and debt. and i sense i am also left with a husband that doesn't see the value in that debt...there is part of him that clearly sees me as living in a dreamworld, and thus i am taking it upon myself to pay it off with money i earn using my artistry and all the other skills i've acquired along this journey of life.

the first step in this is to have weekly art auction from my facebook art page...you can click here to check it out. this way i will reduce my overzealously created inventory, reduce my debt a little bit and hopefully give me an excuse to use some of those supplies i've collected to make more things for the auctions!

i am also expecting to be putting together the cookbook i've done a little work on already for kate cheney chappell, and that will be income that i can hopefully dedicate solely to my amassed art education debt...

and now since the boys have returned to school and i am left with just the baby, i have been considering going back to doing a green cleaning job once a week, too...i actually love doing it. for the right person, who is someone that appreciates the holistic, stress-relieving quality in the work. i use essential oils and leave a persons home a sparkling haven that i know brings a sense of well-being to my customers. i had a green cleaning business that i gave up when i was pregnant with the baby...it was hard to stomach the cleaning, and to physically do it after a while, too. but now, well, now i'd take on one project a week in a second...especially if baby could come. my motor is ticking...

and lastly, i have been thinking of going back to work at night for one night a week. Street & Co...i do so miss it. the adult company, the great food, the inspiration of being around such talented cooks and frankly, just great people. plus it's easy and good money for a night of being a grown-up.

i think, if i did all of these things, or most of them, i should be able to have my debt significantly reduced within a year. and without the debt...won't i be able to create art feeling a little less guilt about the money i dump into it, especially if it's money over and above what it is our family needs??

sigh.

some of the best advice i ever got was to not give up my art to be a mother and a wife. anyone can go through the motions it takes to care for a family, to keep a house...but no one is going to influence my children and husband the way i can with my creative spirit allowed to shine...it is a gift only i can give them even if it means i need to work more to pay for it. i have to find a way to keep it in my world.

*exhale*

there we go...a full week back to public school completed, with lighthearted smiles, giggles and pure happiness through the entire transition. i am so proud of my boys. so proud of myself for recognizing what needed to happen in our family! it has been a really joyful thing for each child and me!

baby has had so much of me, that even daddy notices he is more adjusted. he's a happy little peach to begin with, but he's really settled feeling now. this decision has affected his life the most i think...alone time with mommy is a cherished and very coveted thing. this makes me smile that i can provide him with such nurturing.

so now, as i have more time on my hands i have had my home tidier, and am tackling things i have needed to do, but haven't had the energy or time to accomplish with all the kids at home. big things like working on my personal list of positive changes in my life, artwork that has been dying to escape my imagination and creating a budget for our home and setting up our household finances on Quicken.

the biggest of these tasks for me personally is that i am redefining my role in my household. i am to be the happy hub of this home. "happy" being the operative word. everyone comes home expecting nourishment. i need to be able to give that to all of these fellas and i can't do that if i am not nourished as well. i have been having some revelations recently about what would make me really happy in my life...and these are the changes i am manifesting in my life. sometimes change can be a little painful, and i can't deny it...the transitions i am personally going are painful. but because i am committed to myself and my family i am making the best of it.

i can honestly say that a lot of the transitions being spurred into motion by me are a result of me realizing that though i love myself more than i ever have in this lifetime, i have unfulfilled needs and aspirations. this leaves me with a bit of a hole...and leaves me feeling vulnerable. i have had so much anxiety and worry and even jealousy floating in my body in the past few months...such toxic feelings. thus...i am purging them with positive and pursuing something that has yet to be defined specifically, but is being birthed as i make all the good, healthy positive change i can.

<3

mama loves her babytime...

some cherished time with my sweet baby...

so i did it...i went ahead and made the decision of sending my oldest sons, Bones and Boo, back to school. and i am happy to say they are already well adjusted to it...in a matter of less than a week! they are thrilled to be back, actually, with friends and learning.

and i cannot deny i am reveling in the peace and quiet and in the time to enjoy my baby! Ginging is so happy to have me all to himself. and i eat him up...today he crawled around on the floor blowing and chasing a feather...ecstatic in his ability to move the flffy thing with his breath! it was beautiful and i was so happy, felt so lucky to be witness to it. we bathed together and fresh out of the tub he nursed to sleep, his tummy against mine...

he is my last child...and i have to remember to slow down and savor the moments that he needs me...before i know it these little boys will be men, with hairy armpits and huge feet and be able to throw me over their shoulders...they won't need me. and i'll miss them through to my bones.

reminder to self: slow down and enjoy this life...

inner struggles

*big sigh*

as the new year approaches and i look back on this past year all i can do is sigh. i have loved every moment. but, nevertheless i am contemplating really significant changes for the times to come.

in september i began homeschooling my two older sons...and i have had the baby around us as well. a lot of people have asked me how i do it with all three of them and it isn't an easily answered question...i just do it. it takes some creativity and some self direction from the kids, but it works. and each one gets attention and love and has their needs met. not that it is always peaches and cream...

but, when i took on the endeavor of home schooling these sons of mine, things were a bit different. J was going to teach them to cook on saturday mornings so that i could have one morning a week to myself...he was going to be in charge of science...and yet it is now january and that has never even once happened. work is extremely busy for him, which is a blessing in itself...and it is where his priority lies. he is striving for success in his field. he works 90+ hours a week. i try to be supportive of his desire, but consequently i have not had a moment without children at my hem. literally. not. one. moment.

i am feeling burnt out. and i am feeling lost, my Self and my needs are getting lost in the mix. i hardly ever even have a chance to shower.

and on top of that i am disheartened by the curriculum we purchased to use for our schooling. it is rigid, archaic and its chosen literature is the first i have ever heard my children call "boring." wth all the great literature out there for children it is so sad to see the lame stuff they've picked. in essence, the curriculum sucks...and we follow the motions of it with less than half a heart. i feel like i am doing my children an educational disservice using this boring non-progressive curriculum. i want more for them...which is why i chose to homeschool them in the first place. i have added my own pieces to our education, like herbology and japanese, but it isn't like i know all about child development and what they should be optimally learning when. i don't feel confident enough to create my own curriculum, nor do i think my husband would support that...homeschooling has turned into a lonely experience and i can see it will just get more so as the winter progresses...

and for other personal reasons, too...i feel saddled by certain aspects of this endeavor...saddled in a way that makes me feel like i have no control or freedom and i do not like it. i have three children on me all the time and i sometimes need to be able to just pick up and do something (and i'm not talking about fun things, but necessary thing)...a luxury i don't have right now.

*big sigh*

so i am strongly contemplating sending my boys back to public school...and trying to look at it in a positive light not as a failure...i am not a monk. i am not wholly selfless...and that is part of my sparkle. i, as a person, add to my family's light and beauty by being me..and i must take care of myself to be the best me for them...for us all.

big thoughts...big thoughts...

i want some of your brown sugar...

it's dreary...cold and sleeting... here in maine today. and i just discovered that brown sugar has made this day totally bearable! in the form of a home facial!

1/2 cup brown sugar
enough extra virgin olive oil to saturate the sugar
a few drop of lemon juice
a drop or two of lavender essential oil

mix all together and put on clean face...rub slowly and gently in circular motion all over face and neck...then rinse off well with warm water for an amazingly invigorating feeling and a fabulous healthy glowing complexion. it is great on hands, too! probably would do wonder for your feeties, but i won't be taking these chunky socks off anytime soon to find out. brrrrrr...

growing up...

my oldest son, Boo, who is 9, woke up this morning before anyone else...well, daddy was off to work before the sun rose and i was up doing yoga. he cuddled up in a furry throw on the couch and watched me on the floor in front of him...the house was dark, just full of a minute bit of fresh sunlight reflecting off the first snow of 2009...

all of a sudden i saw him as a man. it was the oddest sensation. he will grow tall and have muscles and facial hair...he will start to smell soon. right now he still has the tangy but delicious scent of a dirty little boy...but he already has started to flex his need for private space and time alone....soon he'll be gone and this time period of caring for him, raising him will be over as if it were a quick flash.

it is hard to imagine my life without his insights everyday. he is such a transcendentalist... he keeps me from having my feet too stuck in what i think is reality...he'll always pull another layer out to keep things from being stagnant. such a beautiful mind...such an amazing kid.

and this is part of why i homeschooled him this year, because it is all over so quick...and i wanted to raise my own children, to be with them, to truly know them and also to allow them to be themselves. we recently had a big group of friends over for thanksgiving and one of them commented on how amazing our environment is, that our kids are in a place where they are safe to be their true selves. i want to preserve that. to let them grow as individuals.

it is easy to blend in and be one of the masses if you're stuffed into a box enough times, but it is hard to stand on one's own after needing to feel the security of likeness for so long. i have been witnessing this in people lately...and i am hoping to help my kids escape it. i want them to have full and fantastic lives of their own and feel as though they would burst with love for themselves whenever they think of who they are...just like i do for them whenever i look at them.

how do you make time slow down? i want to be in this cocoon of my little family forever. *sigh*